Sunday, April 20, 2014

I'm Just Not That Into You

It's not you, it's me. But also you. 

I think we've quite established by now that I'm a strange creature. 
That becomes blaringly (wait, that's not a word? Wtf? LIES.) apparent when I'm expected to have actual interactions with people. Shit, that's not even something anyone should feel the need to say. I went to a birthday party last night that I was just miserable at. I had even gone earlier to help my friend get ready, and I was fine. But once people started arriving, I was the only one who didn't know the rest of the group. Then (because I'm me) I had a hard time joining in the conversations where they were all chatting and catching up and I was the outsider who didn't know any of their stories. It made me sad that I'm so stupidly socially awkward. 

My mom has told me multiple times that I stop being interested in a guy when he likes me and treats me well. I dunno, maybe she's right. 
I recently brought her attention to that quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: "We accept the love we think we deserve." She then asked me where the hell I got my idea of thinking I deserve crappy love. And, really, I haven't the foggiest clue. 

This part isn't so odd, I think, but once a small thing annoys me, I hate basically everything about that person...we'll call it The No Point. Usually I know pretty quickly whether or not I'm going to really like someone, too. Well, I've hit The No Point with Hermes already. It's not that there's anything he's done wrong or badly, it just isn't what I want. 

Now here's the big question: when I'm fairly certain that there isn't a future with a guy, why do I keep trying? It may have something to do with knowing that guys are nice and feeling like I owe it a real attempt before giving up. Like maybe I can will myself into liking them. But then there are times, when I'm just annoyed with them (through no real fault of their own), and I feel like I'm being unnecessarily sarcastic and mean. 
I don't think it's about just wanting to be with someone; I'm fine on my own. So that other thing is the best idea I've got. Still stupid. 

Maybe the social awkwardness and the weird feeling of obligation are somehow related. Don't ask me how, but maybe they are. Either way, they both leave me feeling like I'd like to curl up into myself and be alone and safe. Uh, sorry, that's really depressing sounding. Yeah, I'm a strange person. 

Hermes and I went to check out a new local brewery on Friday. To be honest, I had a really good time with him. (I think that also has something to do with the obligation; every once in a while I'll really enjoy the time I spend with them). Lindbergh was there. Thankfully, it took me a while to notice him, and his back was to me. I don't know if he saw us when we walked in or not. Fucker.

After Mass this morning (Happy Easter!), I was asked to sing at a wedding in July. I readily accepted; I love doing that stuff. Buuut....of course...it's a family that's really close to Soldier's family. I just can't get away from that fucker. Oops. Say a prayer for me that I just talked about church and said "fucker" in almost the same sentence. Well, this is awkward.

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