How to be Thankful

Are people inherently good or inherently evil? A little bit of both.

I had a notmare last night. I'm not sure it can really be categorized as a nightmare, so it's a notmare. I fell asleep with Lindbergh (with narcolepsy, that's kind of a thing I do) and I was violently woken out of a lovely slumber. In my notmare, Soldier was breaking up with me. Again. And I was sobbing and just saying no over and over. I woke up kind of feeling like I was crying in real life. I had fallen asleep in my contacts so I'm not sure if I was crying or not...my eyes don't like me a whole lot when I sleep in contacts. But wow. Why would I dream about that? Apparently my subconscious is a giant bitch-face. I'm mad at her. 

So I've met the whole Lindbergh family now. I met Papa Lindbergh and Younger Brother Lindbergh on Thanksgiving. 
And last night when I sat up to leave, he wrapped himself around me and told me I couldn't leave because he'd miss me. I'm not sure how I feel about all this stuff. 

Alright, so I'm a couple days late, but I'm thankful for all my sexy, awesome, fun readers! (THAT'S YOU!!!) I hear that they don't celebrate Thanksgiving in other countries, but you all should get on that shit. The whole point is to stuff your faces with turkey and cranberries and mashed potatoes&gravy and sweet potatoes and pumpkin everything and spend time with your family and it's GLORIOUS. Eating and enjoying the ones you love. 
And then (because 'Murica) we ruin it all with Black Friday. Who came up with this shit? I refuse to go shopping, and don't even leave the house if I can help it. PEOPLE DIE. They have the internet for shopping now! But pretty much now until Christmas is hell at all retail establishments. Lindbergh wants to go shopping this weekend. I'm only agreeing because he'll let me pick out clothes for him. But he's kind of cheap so I'm not sure how that's going to work out. 

So in honor of Thanksgiving and the people who don't really understand what it means, I read an awesome Live Tweet a little bit ago. Read it. Read it right now! You're welcome for bringing this amusement into your life. #TeamElan 
Live Tweeting the Fight with 7A

Missed Connections

Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong people. 

I think I'll keep going with the fun facts, I enjoyed them. So, we'll begin with one! 11. I love makeup. I call it "face art."

I finally asked Jonathan what went wrong this time. I guess I knew it was coming, and decided to just ask for posterity's sake. He quickly replied that he was thinking the same thing (riiight). He said he decided he doesn't like the distance. It was cowardly, really. I tried to be very mature and say that it was unfortunate, and that I thought we were both missing out. He agree and said that he wished he could be a better man. (Alright, I maybe made that last bit up. But he might as well have said it! The whole thing reeked of piteousness.) He said that he's right to keep his distance from everyone because he doesn't want to hurt anyone, especially me (buuuullshiiit). I told him it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that it goes along quite well with my own: that nobody ever cares enough to fight for me. He didn't answer. Coward-douche-sissy-jerk-face.

Things are getting dangerously close to girlfriend territory with Lindbergh. Yesterday we went to a 2 year old's birthday party. They're some good friends of his and I was surrounded by people I didn't know. (12. I get very nervous in crowds and around new people. So you put me in a large group of new people and I'm pretty much a wreck.) It seemed to start off okay at first, but not too far in one of the girls introduced me as his girlfriend. I think I had a panicked look on my face and he turned to me and goes "that was weird." It most certainly was! But how would I explain that? "Yeah, no, I like him...and he really likes me, but we're not really dating. The idea of actually dating kind of makes me want to run away and scream. That's common, right? ...Who wants cake?!" The longer we were there the more I felt like I was suffocating. I want to punch Soldier right in his stupid face because he's messed me up like this. There are really some days when I'd just prefer to be completely single and alone. (13. Being around people for very long makes me really tired. I'm quite the introvert.) I dunno. Most times I just wish I could have Soldier back. (14. I hate winter and cold more than I hate anything else. And I hate a lot of things.)

Luna will be in town this week for Thanksgiving. She really wants to hang out and get together another girls night. Oy. If we remember back, I decided I can't really do that anymore. Plus, since she's here, there's a higher chance of me seeing Soldier. What would I do? I feel like I'd have to leave, I don't think I'd be able to handle it. We'll see, I suppose. (15. Being a pushover means I have a hard time saying no to things like that. Dumb.)

And now it's bedtime, even though I'll probably just lay here for a while. Oh wellsies...doux rêves!

Time to Give Thanks

To everything, there is a season


It's tiiiiime for an update! As can be expected, I've been spending a lot of my time with Lindbergh. 

Oh! I just had an idea. On my facebook lately a lot of people have been doing this thing where they get a number and name that many random things about themselves. I'm having an introspective night, so welcome to the world that is Laura!
1. I like to do yoga while watching Jeopardy. I call it Yogardy. (I'm doing it now!)
    1.a. I feel that education and intellect is suffering in my country, so I consciously try to learn all     kinds of new things
2. I hate going to any type of doctor, and I always put it off as long as possible. 
3. I try to put up a tough front, but I'm a huge pushover.
4. I don't take compliments well (I make it awkward), but I really love getting recognition for my         hard work
5. I believe reality TV shows are crap. 
6. I thought I was an open book, but I'm starting to consider that I have some real commitment, trust, and separation issues.

Bam! Segue way back to the story! 
So I've been spending a lot of time with Lindbergh...we've hung out with Mama Lindbergh and Brother Lindbergh and it's been fun. This past weekend I woke up early and asked him if he wanted to go for a hike. He told me he had the perfect spot and just said to meet at his place. He took us to a beachy area, and I wasn't thrilled. Windier, colder, and sandier than a regular hike...uh, no thanks. (7. I'm always worrying about something. Even if it's something I've made up in my silly little mind.)  He kept asking me to trust him, and I just kept walking and trying to stop being bitchy. (I'm ashamed to say it was kind of difficult.) I don't want to get to descriptive, but it was definitely worth it when we reached our destination. Absolutely beautiful and amazing, and way more than I deserve. I'm not entirely sure why he wants so badly to keep me around. 

I had a girls night with Ginny, Luna, and another girl last weekend. Ginny is the wife of one of Soldier's best friends, and Luna is Soldier's cousin. I wrestled with it for a while; I really wasn't sure it was a good idea. Turns out it wasn't. I have a hard enough time on my own...I can't handle it when I have to hear about Soldier and his family and friends and act like it doesn't tear me apart. As much as it sucks, I don't think I can do girls nights anymore. He's seriously messed up my mind and life. (Yeah, I know that sounds pathetic. Can't help it.) (8. I put on the high maintenance, princess air, and I put on the cold, independent front. More than anything, I just want love...to simultaneously take care of someone and have them take care of me.) 

Einstein sent me a text a week or two ago. Back story: Einstein was the Valedictorian of my high school. He went to a top school, has been recruited by top companies, and now works for a Fortune 500. Ridiculously smart, very nice, and has always had a bit of a thing for me. We skyped the other day and have decided we should get together when he's in town for Thanksgiving. (9. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's all about food and family, without the distraction of material items.) Overactive mind thinks it's pointless and stupid, but oh well. 

Now, it's very, veryvery much bedtime. (10.  I have narcolepsy, but I don't sleep well. That means I can't stay awake when I should be able to, but I'm really tired when I am awake. It's pretty much the WORST.) Hmm. Maybe the fun facts will be an ongoing thing. We'll see. Anyway, goooood night!

Forbidden Fruit

When the thing you want most in the world is the one thing you can't have

In the last post, I forgot to give an update on Soldier. We went back and forth on our Facebook messaging a little bit. At one point he asked if I just wanted to get back together. The problem is, I'm not sure if he was asking if I want to get back together, or if he was asking if that's the only thing I want. Well, yes on both accounts! Although, I guess that's not really a problem, because I'm not going to push it and I'm sure he's not going to say anything. I'm supposed to have a Girls Night with Ginny and some of the other girls next weekend and I'm already dreading it a little bit.

I think I mentioned coming to visit my brother and his this weekend. I wasn't sure about it, but I'm really glad I came out. My brother and I got some bonding time, which was great, and we got in some good hiking. It was awesome...we hiked up this not-mountain that I kept calling Hogsmeade and we just looked over everything up at the top. Very naturey and beautiful.

Hanging out with my mom and dad and brother and pregnant sister-in-law is definitely making my biological clock tick more loudly. I mean, it's always ticking in the back of my mind. But I will say that I'm uber excited for my brother and sisinlaw. (Yup, I just made it one word. Whatcha gonna do bout that?! Nothin. That's what I thought. Unh!) They'll be ridiculously amazing parents so that's great.

I've found myself talking (and thinking) an equal amount about Lindbergh and Soldier this weekend. I miss them both. And I seriously wish I could get past Soldier...but that doesn't seem to be happening. Stupid feels.

I can tell that I'm holding back a bit with Lindbergh. It started more as friends and he's really grown on me, and I really like him. But there's always the thought in the back of my mind about him having been married. He's been through it all. And it seems like, even if things did get to that point with us, he would be overly cautious and leery of moving things forward. But we also agreed to not talk about that stuff haha. I'm so ridiculous sometimes! But I also don't know how I could move on with him when I'm still thinking quite a bit about Soldier.

What drives me nuts is I'm ready. I'm ready for something more. I love when people tell you it'll happen when you least expect it. Well, fuck, I've stopped expecting anything! I didn't expect anything with Soldier, and look where that got me. I didn't expect to talk to Jonathan again, and look where that got me. I didn't expect to meet Scotch, and look where that got me. Nothing works, no matter what I do or don't do.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for myself...at least not right this second. It's more along the lines of pondering. More like...that's just how it is. But, it still sucks. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. The end.

The Presence and/or Absence of Tact

Deciding how much of an asshole to be.

Sorry about the short hiatus. It wasn't really intentional...I've been spending so much time with Lindbergh and my sleep schedule has been all crazy like. So I would basically like to spend all my time sleeping, but I have that pesky job to go to. But because I really like my job, I get all excited and work hard and tax my brain. Then I'm super tired by the end of the day and I just want to sleep, but I hang out with Lindbergh again and stay up too late and it's worse the next day. Blergy blerg blerg. 

Alright, enough whining, on to the story. 
A couple of weeks ago Lindbergh and I had plans to go to a local restaurant that does open mic nights on Thursdays. He sent me a text that day and told me he still wanted to hang out, but that there was a catch. It was his mom's birthday and she wanted to go to open mic. Trying to be nice, I told him that he should hang out with them and humor his mum for her birthday. He let me know that I'd missed the point--he wanted me to come with. Then he pointed out that I should be flattered; he doesn't ever invite women to meet his mom. 
Instead of feeling flattered, it kind of freaked me out. Okay, a lot of stuff freaks me out, it really doesn't take much...but meeting parents isn't generally one of those things. That might be because it's more of a rarity for people not to meet my parents. I think it spooked me because he made it sound like a big deal, and that made things seem very serious. But I agreed. 

We went to the restaurant a little early to get some food, and because I was unnaturally nervous. What bothered me so much? I still don't know. The friends showed up a little after we did. I've met them all before, and one is a pretty awesome girl that I went to high school with. Well, Mama Lindbergh showed up and it was all fine, but I spent the whole time feeling anxious. 
I've seen Mama Lindbergh a few times since then, and I met Brother Lindbergh this past weekend. Mama even had us over for breakfast on Sunday. I'm also now friends with both of them on the Facebook. Lindbergh also made a point of telling me that his best friend seems to like me, which is evidently an uncommon occurrence. 

I've stayed over at Lindbergh's apartment a few times, and things are pretty comfortable. There was only one situation that bothered me. We were at another open mic night, and the best friend was trying to get me to sing with him. I was looking through the book of songs and Lindbergh turned to his mom and said "she's a singer, what a surprise." He then explained to me that he's only ever dated singers. I'm not sure if it annoyed me because he just made a snide, smartass remark about me, or because he'd just grouped me with every other girl. Whatever the reason, it kind of pissed me off...I tried to brush it off, but it's still obviously in my head a little. 
The next day he apologized and we agreed that there was no point in dwelling on a silly remark. How adult of us! Last weekend we almost had The Talk. I can't remember how it came up, but we both hate it, so we didn't have it. Hooray! But I'm comfortable with where things are.

Jonathan is out of the picture. Once again, he just kind of disappeared. I should have expected it, but I'm a pushover. So, I say Good Riddance! I'm sure he'll try to come back around again and I hope I have the willpower to tell him to buzz off. (OMG when did people stop saying that?! I'm gonna bring it back. YOU'RE WELCOME.) 

Here you are though: the best part of the blog! An update on Foxx. I've gotten so annoyed with him hitting on me all the time that I can't listen to the sound of his voice. Well, that's part of the reason. The other part is that he never freaking stops making noise! It's like he can't handle it if he thinks he might not be getting attention. Gaaawd it's so annoying. 
Last week we had a Halloween pot luck that my little committee (of which Foxx is also a member) put together. Costumes were encouraged, I went as The Raven. (Except people kept asking if I was Black Swan and it was obnoxious). Foxx's costume? He came as Captain Mile High. To work. To the office. To his place of employment. Just....what...why....just wtf? So much douchery. Oh. Even better though: he didn't contribute to the pot luck, but he was happy to eat the food and hang out with everyone. And after that he went out to lunch with one of our other coworkers. A few weeks ago he wanted me to entertain him, that he was bored and he just did his work as a byproduct. 

I think his intention is to be coy and suave, but it just makes him more and more sleazy in my eyes. Funsies, since I have to work with him every day. He also, for some reason, seems to keep thinking I'm the bee's knees. (BOOM. Bringing that back too!) 

Alright, my lovelies, that's the update for now. My parents and I are headed up to see my brother and his wife this weekend. She's pregnant, so I get to rub her cute little belly. Yup, I'm that girl, rubbin all the fetus bellies. Only people I know, though. I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy!