Humbled

When life decides you need a good kick in the ass.

Well this year has been full of adventures so far. Some good, some bad, all unquestionably different. I've definitely grown as a person and tested the limits of what I can handle, albeit involuntarily. I'm also pretty sure I've aged about 1000 years. And, I'm not sure if you've ever experienced aging 1000 years, but it takes its toll on a girl. Then people ask what it feels like or tell you they understand and you want to fall into a fit of either laughter or crying. 

As referenced, I always get very anxious when I have to visit the doctor again. This time was no different, especially since it's the first time I actually met the rheumatologist. He was a very pleasant, helpful, kind man, so that helped. What didn't help was that my appointment was at 10:00, they told me I needed to be there 10 minutes early, and I didn't see the doctor until 11:00. (Is that an American thing? Why do they do that? Rude.) 
Instead of saying things were going as expected, and maybe we should switch treatment, he added more pills. I now take 6 pills a day. SIX.PILLS. I know that it could be much worse, but that's a bit ridiculous. And one of them is for anxiety, because stress makes autoimmune way worse. So now I stress over normal stuff, but I've added stressing about being stressed, and stressing over trying not to stress. 
Plus, the pills made my stomach feel terrible for a while. I think I've figured that out, but I have to be careful to pay attention to different times to take some of them. It's all actually a bit laughable. Oh, bother. 

Earlier this week, I went to the eye doctor and had to get my eyes dilated for the first time. While waiting for the drops to kick in, I had to sit out in the lobby. I felt so embarrassed, kind of muntant-y, as my pupils got bigger; then it started to hurt. Of course it was sunny so everything was just so bright and harsh. I had a feeling of being pitiable, small, and worthless. The good news is that the autoimmune medication I'm on isn't messing my eyes up so far. 
I still had to try and act like an adult when I got home, which meant taking care of the dog. She has a bit of a ritual where she'll go out and sniff some, relieve herself, and do sprints (I call it running laps) on some of our 5 acres. I think she took advantage of my sight limitation and disappeared. I called for a few minutes and tried to stumble in the direction she started off, then I sat on the back of my car and whimpered. The feeling from earlier returned, just an utter downtrodden-ness She came back a little later all pleased that she got to run. Jerk.

This is a transition.

I've written about Meredith and Darryl before, but I'm not sure how long ago it was. I've known Meredith since high school (roughly 12 years). Meredith met Darryl one St. Patrick's day when I begged her to go bar-hopping, and somehow got her to agree. At one bar, I'd said something stupid (I'm good at that), Darryl's brother heard and made fun of me, the invited us to join their group for some more bar-hopping, and the two of them exchanged numbers at the end of the night. When they had their first date, I did her makeup and helped her pick out an outfit. I've listened to their relationship ups and downs, and gotten crying phone calls countless times over the last 3-ish years. 
A few weeks ago he asked her to marry him. It was exciting, but we all really knew it was coming. I also knew the need for help would be coming. I got emails, texts, more exasperated phone calls; asking about colors and venues and themes. I was waiting for one phone call in particular. 

I got that phone call the same night I went to the eye doctor. I had spent much of that evening trying to keep myself from crying since my eyes were already jacked up. Meredith called, and I could immediately tell something was wrong. We went through initial pleasantries, then she started to tell me that she called to ask me something. I told her that was fine, but we first needed to talk about why she'd been crying. Cause I'm a good friend. She told me what had been going on, we went back and forth, I calmed her down. Then she got to the point. What I'd been waiting for and expecting for a while. 
Except...she asked me to be her wedding stage manager. Her...what? Is that even a thing? I think she made that shit up! I'm glad she didn't ask me in person; I don't think I would have been able to hide my shock and dismay. I told her that, of course, I'd do whatever she needed me to. After I hung up the phone, I immediately regretted it. And the more I thought about it, the more I regretted it. 

Today was my first day as her servant/slave/bitch. I went to her parents house and we looked at different colors and such. I started to write down the names of her bridesmaids and ask what their tasks would be. She didn't know what I meant, so I started to say that I wasn't really sure what a wedding stage manager was, but that I assumed there would be other's tasks I would need to coordinate. So she read me this thing with the duties and everything, so I (not entirely pleasantly) said, "so it's the maid of honor and mistress of ceremonies in one." She was silent. I think she may have gotten the point by my slight attitude, which continued on the impromptu hour drive to look at colors for bridesmaid dresses. Where I was forced to actually try one on. Apparently I'm good enough to do all the work and be everything to everyone, but not good enough to stand up with her. Bullshit. But, I'll remain a complete pussy and won't actually say anything about it. I'll just keep stewing and fuming on the inside, all while I'm trying to be stress-free. Ha. 

I'm mostly trying to chalk all this up to the universe breaking me down. At least, it feels like I'm being broken down. But I'm trying to be optimistic--usually (at least religiously) you have to be broken down to renew. So maybe I have to get to the bottom to rise way up to the top. Which better include Henry Cavill, damn it. 

Good Manners and Unsolicited Sweetness

The good, the bad, and the odd

The Odd
After not hearing from Air since about a week after our first encounter, I got a message from him a few days ago. I'll never understand some people. There was no "hey, how's it going?" or "It's been a while, what's up?" or "How are you?"...not even a greeting and unsuccessfully flirty wink-face. Without ceremony, he asked if I'd be in town over Labor Day weekend. I affirmed, as far as I knew, and he said he was considering coming in. He added that he wouldn't bother if I wasn't going to be available. That would be fine if I was a silly girl, grabbing at any little scrap of attention. Tee-hee! 
I called him out on wanting to see me after not even speaking to me for weeks. He acted like it was no big deal, and told me he's been really busy and hasn't had time to really talk to anyone. Bull.shit. I've made this argument before, but you're really gonna try and tell me you didn't have 30 seconds to message someone you're interested in? And you expect that person to get all giddy when you show up out of nowhere? And want to see you, no questions asked? Aww. That probably works for some girls. Not me. 

I played along for a couple minutes after he asked how I'm doing. But come on. I wasn't even that excited about him in the first place. I'm not taking that crap. And do I really seem like the type of girl to sit around and wait? MAN, am I glad I have a shred of self-esteem. 

Oh geez. This is totally off-topic, but I'm watching Jeopardy and they're using a lot of French words. I'm so excited to go back to Paris! I'm really working on the language, but that's probably not going to make a difference. I'm so glad I'll get to take in more of the gorgeous French sights. Feel free to share your thoughts and/or ideas on what I should see and do. Ooooh...tell you what: if you give me good suggestions or challenges, I'll reward you with pictures. (Don't you ever wonder about the girl behind all this crap? I know I would.)

Apparently we're working backwards. 

The Bad
My legs have gotten bad again. Swelling, pain, extreme tiredness. I had to get blood work done again last week (I was excited at only having to get 6 tubes taken, but then was told that's not normal either). This time, my ANA came back positive. That means my blood is agreeing and confirming that I have an autoimmune disorder, but the rest appears regular. Unfortunately, I'm just looking at the results online and don't really know how to read them. (Did you guys see how someone hacked into a bunch of medical records? It's getting scarier and scarier. The world is a bad place nowadays.)
It's bothered me more than I expected to get those blood results. I mean it really doesn't make a difference, since I have the symptoms either way. Maybe it makes it more real or something. I have the honor of going back to the rheumatologist on Thursday...lucky me. Buuuut, that leads me to...

The Good
I cannot even begin to express how incredible Tee is. Once I let the idea of Soldier go, things changed. Nope, me and my brain did. Here are his wonderful feats:
He sends me a "Good morning beautiful" text every morning. If I stay the night at his house, he whispers it in my ear. He was excited to cook for me. He's great about suggesting to make the hour drive to see me so I'm not the only one traveling. He worries on my drive back until I let him know I made it home safe. He keeps his arms wrapped around me all night. If I wake up, so does he; if it's obvious my legs are hurting or uncomfortable, he asks what I need to make it better. He counts down until we get to see each other again. He puts a towel in the dryer for me while I'm in the shower. He repeatedly reminds me that he's here for the tough stuff. 
Wait. Rewind. HE PUTS A TOWEL IN THE DRYER FOR ME WHILE I'M IN THE SHOWER. Do you even realize how amazing that is?! To have a nice warm, refreshing towel to dry off with?! Ugh. It might be heaven. 

In all seriousness, the most important part might be that he says he's here for me, and I believe it. When I'm having a rough day he does what he can to make it better, or he sends me some sort of encouragement. It just blows my mind. He came into town yesterday and somehow my health crap came up (it's basically on my mind every waking moment, I can't help it)...eventually I ended up telling him that I'm actually really scared for my appointment. First he acknowledged my feelings, because I guess I'm not that good at hiding some of them. Then he told me that he was planning on getting up early and taking his workout class before work on Thursday (it's usually post-workday) so he could come in and be with me, because he knew it would be a hard day for me. 
What the fuck? What.the.actual.fuck?! How does this guy even exist?! I still kind of can't believe it. It's funny how life works out sometimes. I've "known" him for a long time...just kind of met, said a few words, probably wouldn't even recognize him if I saw him on the street. But timing really is everything. Whether things work out and go long-term or not, this was the right time for our paths to cross. 

Free

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

So true. I was angry and pouty for a bit about Soldier, and still slightly lukewarm (but trying) on Tee. But I was really trying. We kept spending time together, I've been to some of his family functions (not a huge thing since our families are already friends). Even with being kind of unsure, I've enjoyed spending time with him, and missed him when I didn't get to see him for a while. 

Before going out to see him one day, my mom was talking to me and I was rolling my eyes, getting tired of hearing the same thing about how I should forget about Soldier. I started to say as much, but she stopped me and told me to just listen. She told me that she understood. When she met my dad, she'd just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and wasn't interested in getting to know or care about anyone else. She kept going out with my dad, and it ended up being the best decision of her life. (And, you know, I'm pretty fond of that decision too) 
It kind of made me feel better that she said that. Maybe I'm not so weird after all. Alright fine I know I am. Anyway it was kind of nice to know that other people have struggled with this sort of situation, and maybe that was kind of the catalyst for what happened on Friday. 

I was singing at a Catholic wedding. It's interesting to watch the couple while the readings and such are going on...a lot of them sit like nervous stones. These two held hands the entire time, and the groom stroked the bride's hand. I was watching it thinking it was very sweet, and then a sudden thought popped up into my head: that's what Tee would do. And then it kind of seemed like I just calmed down. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all about "oh I'm so in love" and all that crap. 
But I definitely feel better and more comfortable. I'm genuinely enjoying our time together, worrying less, and not really even thinking about Soldier. A couple of his extended family members have also called me his girlfriend a few times and it really hasn't bothered me. I think I'm good with the idea of it now. 

Today he sent me flowers, because he knows I haven't been feeling very well and he thought I could use a nice surprise. But more important than that was what he said after I thanked him profusely...he told me not to let the rough days get me down...that he knows it's tough but here's there for me. That means a whole lot more than the stuff, especially with the health issues starting again.
I'm so glad I've gotten over my stupidity. How could I possibly let this guy go? Well, for the time being I can't. And I'm really glad about it; I think it's about damn time for me to open up and really be with someone again. Apparently my coworkers think so too! Why does everyone know what's best for me before I figure it out?!

Good Decisions

Because sometimes you have to act like an adult

My guilt finally got to me. Maybe it wasn't really guilt, though. The other night, Soldier invited me over for a bonfire. I didn't expect how many people were going to be there, because he always says "we" when he invites me for stuff like that. 
When I saw all the cars, I thought for a split second about just continuing to drive. In particular, I saw Hermes car and wasn't sure I wanted to deal with that. I stopped anyway. 

Harry and Ginny were there, Hermes, Soldier's brother and sister-in-law, two other friends, and Soldier's parents. It was great to see them all. I'm usually okay when I'm just hanging out with Soldier, but I have a hard time when it's in the group. I get this overwhelming feeling that this is how it's supposed to be, that this is right and it's where I'm supposed to be. 
I stayed for a few hours; longer than I'd meant to. I didn't even talk to Soldier a whole lot that night. 

The next night Tee and I went out with a couple of my friends. 
Side bar! We first went hunting for a picnic basket for a housewarming party this weekend. The party was set up about a month ago, so we had ample time...ended up going to 4 or 5 different stores: nothing. So I ordered one offline and paid extra for faster shipping. Bitch cancelled the party today because the husband gave her the choice of having the party or going on a mini-vacation. What the shit? 
All I could think of (well, it's been my go to response for a lot of things lately) is the classy little boy from School of Rock saying "You're tacky and I hate you" (Bad quality, but it gets the point across). My friends are obviously better.
We started at a brewery and moved on to a dueling piano bar (if you've never been to one, you should...they're a blast). We had a good time, and I stayed at Tee's house that night. He's very sweet. 

With that, and with the feels that I felt at Soldier's bonfire, I finally figured it was time to come clean. I let him know that I have been seeing someone, but that I sometimes miss what (I thought) we'd had. I told him I needed to know that we'd never be back to that place. He said he didn't think we would, and that he'd rather we don't see each other anymore if I'm seeing someone. I agreed that this was the other reason I brought it up. I also (would you expect any less?) made a slightly snide comment along the lines of "at least someone thinks I'm worth something." I then got a half-novel about how great I am, but he can't make himself love me, but I'm one hell of a woman. I suppose I should have expected it from him. I told him I didn't want to hear that crap.

Maybe it's ungrateful, but I hate that. Don't tell me how great I am, up to a point. Don't tell me how you care about me but you just don't care quite enough. But...I did ask. I suppose I have to appreciate the honesty; he could have lied so I would have kept getting together with him. 

So that's it with Soldier, at least for now. I'm determined to focus on the good things about Tee, and how much he cares and how well he treats me. I guess that's a start at least.