2200 Miles to LA (Part 1)

3 days, 4 people, 10 states

Shit. I don't think I've ever reached this level of exhaustion. I know I exaggerate a lot, but this is not one of those times. 

Alright, I'll rewind a couple of weeks. On the 12th, I was all set to go when Soldier came to pick me up. He came late in the evening and we stopped to get gas; he picked up some beverages for me. I only made it a couple of hours before I fell asleep, but it was great; we did some not-entirely-responsible things (read that however you want, I'm not elaborating). Of course, being me, I woke up in the middle of the night. I felt so sick, and told him that he needed to pull over because I was going to throw up. Soldier was really sweet about it; he stopped somewhere and rubbed my back while I just tried to breathe. It passed and I didn't get sick, and eventually I got back to sleep. 

Our first real stop was Kansas City; I woke up just before we got there in the morning. We stopped to pick up C, the first friend. We were there for a few hours to rest and I had joked with Soldier about cuddling while he tried to sleep, which he said he was fine with. That threw me off a bit and I didn't try it. 

Driving through the plains and desert got really boring, really quickly. We took turns stretching out in the backseat to sleep, and somehow entertained ourselves otherwise. C was fun, and we kept seeing and talking about things that threw us into laughing fits. We were coming up on the Rockies at sunset, which made for some cool pictures.
I remember waking up at like 2 in the morning while Soldier was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We were driving through the mountains and the moon was just under full (it was full the night before)...we sat and talked for a few minutes about how pretty the mountains were with the glow. 

Next stop was Vegas; it was another early morning arrival. We went to gamble a little bit before we had to pick up K from the airport. I lost a little bit playing the slots and called it good...it's only fun if you're winning! C went off to play Blackjack and Soldier and I went to the car for him to take a little nap. Just as we got there, C called that we needed to go get K. Another nice guy. We went back to the casino afterwards. They all played craps and I watched, then C and K went off to play blackjack. I stayed with Soldier and after a while he made me roll a round. He tried to explain it to me, but I still had absolutely no idea what was going on, and my round didn't last too long. 
When we'd lost enough, Soldier wanted to go back to the car and sleep. Since I didn't know the other guys well, and didn't want to just sit there watching them, I said I'd join him. Then he suggested we could grab a drink instead (like I was gonna turn that down). We went to another casino, he asked what I wanted to drink, and ordered the same. He paid, we sat and chatted for a while, he grabbed me a matchbook as a memento. I really enjoyed it. We took a quick selfie on the Strip, then went to get a bottle of Fireball for the rest of the trip. 

We went back to check on the other guys and walked back to the car just ahead of them. As we were walking along, a few couples passed us looking cozy. Soldier made an interesting comment about the heat--that it was so hot you couldn't even hold hands. I didn't know what to say, so I said something about how I like the heat. I kind of wish I'd been clever and said that it sounded like a challenge. 

Roughly four more hours in the desert brought us to LA. We still had fun, but we were all ready to be done in the car by then. C and K had some groomsman duties to take care of, so they wanted to be dropped off first. Soldier said he'd bring me to my sister's after; as we got farther away from my part of LA, I got more and more nervous about the situation. We were an hour away from where I needed to be. My sister offered to come pick me up, but Soldier kept insisting he'd bring me. I know I was rude when we got to the groom's parents house, I pretty much just stayed in the car...I really didn't know how to handle the situation or what to say. So just trying to stay hidden seemed like the best idea. It probably wasn't. Meh. 

Soldier drove and I navigated the hour drive to my sister's. My slightly biased opinion is that we made a pretty damn good team. We made it there unscathed and my sister invited him to stay for a beer and dinner, which he accepted (much to my pleasure). She also offered him a bed since they didn't really know where they'd be sleeping, but he declined that one (damn). 

I kept checking the clock since I only had about an hour before we had to leave for my sister and brother-in-law's gig, but I also didn't care. It was great to just be hanging out with Soldier again. He decided it was time to leave and I walked him to the door; he gave me kind of an awkward half-hug. I told him to let me know if they decided they wanted to come swim or hang out, and he said, "You too!" Luckily I did have a witty reply this time: "You want me to tell you if you guys want to come hang out?" He clarified to let him know if I was bored and needed something to do. I was a little surprised, and I didn't really plan on doing it, but I was quite happy he offered. Still, I was sad to see him go. 

The past 2 weeks have been insane and I'm still trying to put my life back to normal, so you get the story in installments. Stay tuned for the next one!

Fantasy Land

Right next door to Crazy Town.

My brief and plain response to the guy from church wasn't good enough for him. He felt the need to elaborate, and told me that the purpose of meeting was because he wanted to reconcile and make peace with me. It got yet another eye roll because, let's be honest, I don't give a flying fuck about his life or what he wants. (Not very Christian, I know, but the dude's off his rocker.) As I read farther, my mood took a curious change from annoyed to...kind of hopeless. The next few lines: "Nothing happens in a vacuum: mea culpa - culpa tuam (the situation is my fault but your fault too)."

I almost started crying out of a kind of despair. What's so messed up in his head that this seems to be okay? And I had no idea what I could possibly do to stop the derangement. This was honestly getting a bit frightening, so I tried to think about it logically, in the case that I may need to bring it to a legal point eventually. If it should come to that, though, I was missing the important piece of explicitly telling him to stay away. Adding to that, my passiveness had worn out. I hate being mean to people (believe it or not) and I'd rather just hide from the situation, but everyone has a breaking point. 
My reply left absolutely no room for interpretation: "There is nothing to reconcile or move on from, and I have in no way encouraged your behavior. Do not contact me again." There it was. I triumphantly slammed that door, locked it from the outside, and threw a bomb at it. But the bomb fizzled out, and the next day I got another email. Let's play that fun game where I give you the message verbatim, interspersed with my hilarious and witty remarks!

I will honor your wishes for no contact (after this e-mail). Gee. How very generous.

Since we will not meet, allow me to talk via e-mail instead.  

Please accept my apology for initiating contact (circa late February) uh, thanks for the reminder, but I fucking know when it was and for all the problems that may have caused.  I do not think I said bad things in my e-mail.  Because hitting on a random girl despite having a wife and kid is no big thing. If anything I was too honest. WHY do men keeping saying that shit to me?! There's a difference between honesty and crazy. However, I crossed a line that should not have been crossed, and it has caused pain.  Forgive me. So much nope!  I apologize.

Since that time I have worked to set things right.  Specifically:  I have not contacted you over the last 3 months. Wise choice.  I took a couple of 3 week periods away and attended mass elsewhere.  I confessed (don't worry - not to Father [at our church]). I really wish he had, so my priest would know about this creeper.  I used the opportunity to focus on self-improvement.  At one point, I decided that I would not look at you (at all), until I felt I could do so with a proper frame of mind. Um, gross. Keep that shit to yourself. Good news: I think I am there.  

So why would I contact you now after all this time?  Well, when you left the choir abruptly Sunday, it made me think I was not finished cleaning up my mess. For goodness sake what a ludicrous crazy person! The reason I had left church early was to go kayaking. Why does this asshole think he has any bearing on my thoughts or feelings? I know I have hurt you.  I realize that "reconcile" was not the best word choice, but I thought it would be best to meet in a public location, talk, and apologize in person. Even more nope. My hope was to establish enough good will and rapport to at least be able to say "Hi" in public instead of a silent stare. There are few things that I want less than to talk to this guy. I also don't evoke a "silent stare"...I opt for more of "avoid at all costs."

My point about the "culpa" stuff: You hurt me too WHAT?! (but don't worry, I already forgave you.  I decided that would be easier than trying to get agreement with you on what happened:). Oh, go fuck yourself. You forgave me for what? For existing? For not appreciating your weirdo pervyness? 

So there you go.  No meeting required.  No need to be mad or upset.  No more contact. It's about damn time!

You're a good person Laura.  God must have big plans for you - to have you experience problems like me :) That...that does not make...a single ounce of sense. Why would this outrageous situation mean that God has big plans for me? Oh, oh that's right, it's because you are a nutjob. 

I kind of wanted to reply and tell him what an idiot I think he is, but I restrained myself. So, *hopefully* this is the end of the saga with the crazy man from church. I think we're all okay with closing this chapter. 

Out of Sight...

...lurking odiously in the shadows.

Aaaah you guys are so lucky! You get this awesome bonus post! Be excited be excited be excited! 
And then be sad about all the stupid. 

Remember that fucker from church that kept emailing me? I hadn't heard anything in a few months, so I figured I was safe. There have been a couple of times, when church was over, that he seemed to be wandering up toward the choir area. There's a (probably good) chance that I was paranoid, but each time I opted to just make a beeline out...I'll admit that there are some problems I bring on myself, but that is not my brand of crazy. 

I got a surprise email from that asshole last night. He's been thinking, and he thinks it would be good for us to talk. Because he's batshit crazy. He asked to meet at a restaurant for lunch. He went so far as to let me know he'd clear his schedule as necessary, but oh-so-generously offered some prospective times. 

As you can probably guess, I was absolutely seething. What in the fucking hell is wrong with his brain that he thought that was okay?! What makes it even more ludicrous is that I can *honestly* say I have not given the tiniest iota of encouragement. (I would like you to not that those are not quotation marks, they are asterisks. Because, unlike half of America, I know that you look like a nitwit when you imagine you're showing emphasis with apostrophes.) Seriously though, I didn't return any emails and avoided all contact. 

This finally deserved a response. I made it as brief and plain as possible: "I find that neither necessary nor appropriate and I'm not interested." 
BOOM.

In other news, I spoke too soon...I got a text from Van Gogh today. There was a salutation, then he asked if it was okay for him to text me. Eh, it's just easier to report the conversation.

VG: "Is it okay that I test you?"
Okay, at this point, one of my coworkers warned me not to answer. I should have listened, but you know me.
Me: "I suppose it depends on what you're texting me for."
VG: "What did I do to deserve such a cold reception? I've done nothing wrong to you. Maybe I thought about you on too many occasions, sorry if you feel that is wrong. You were dear to me. It seems I have soured to you."
Cue eye roll. It's like he's actively trying to be the tortured writer; like he wants to be treated poorly.
Me: "You asked a question, I was simply giving an honest answer."
VG: "Well, why does it depend on what I want? Are we not friends? Do you not care about me? I want an honest answer. Do you care a single ounce about me?"
Oh God. Where do I begin?! You ask a loaded question, you have to be prepared for the answer. You don't get to be upset by it. You wanna pick a fight...get ready to spar, bitch. 
Me: "I am very, very tired of the angsty, emotional drama."
Trust me, that was the nice version.
VG: "Wow. I finally see your true colors. YOU ARE A BITCH!! No wonder you don't have a man or married. You're even more broken than I am. Damn. Very glad you acted this way today. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you."
Even trying to be all angry and hostile, it's overly dramatized. That's actually impressive. But, um, should I be concerned that it really didn't offend me at all? I think I actually chuckled, then walked through the grocery strutted like it was my personal runway. Like the fierce, badass bitch that I am. I'll just keep telling myself that. 
But, I will say that I was super excited about my rebuttal: 
Me: "In my defense, I kept trying to tell you that."

When you think about it, he proved the point I'd been trying to make to him all along: that he couldn't possible be "so in love" with me without seeing every side. He didn't like this side and he blew up. What's slightly disappointing is that it feels like a missed chance. If I'd known he was going to overreact and go all crazy like that, I would have genuinely acted like a bitch. That was really a watered down version. 

To let you in on a little secret though, I am getting a bit bothered by my general indifference. It's probably some sort of defense mechanism, but it makes me feel bad. I don't want or intend to be a cold-hearted bitch. Maybe my life is like the movie Frozen. Where's the act of love to thaw my cold heart?! I think this vacation on the horizon will do me good. Just a little longer. Send calming, tranquilizing, sensitive thoughts my way.

History Repeats Itself

Here’s to all  the idiots who can’t seem to let the past stay in the past.

As expected, Child wasn’t thrilled about the upcoming trip. I don’t at all blame him; I wouldn’t like it either. I’m taking a hard line on this one though…the return tickets are purchased and the time is taken off from work. It’s happening. Sorry you’re sad about my life.

We’ve seen each other a few more times and he keeps talking about moving in together, having a baby, etc. I can’t entirely decide if he’s joking or not, but both of those sound like terrible ideas. I suppose most girls would be all excited about that. Apparently I am a suspicious, shriveled up old maid. GET OFF MY LAWN!

Saturday night, we were chatting a bit over text and he sent one saying he was drunk. A few minutes later, he asked if I’d be his girlfriend. I was not excited about that one either. I told him that my two issues with the question were that he was drunk, and that it was over text. The next day, he said he was sober and wanted to repeat the question.

Except, I didn’t get the text for like 3 or 4 hours after he sent it, because I was kayaking. We’ll come back to this.

I told him that I still didn’t like the question being over text. I really think he’s concerned about my trip and wants to have something official so that he has a “claim” on me or whatever. I know that I’m a man-hating spinster, but I completely understand it. The problem (for him, I guess) is that I’m not going to rush into anything just because of that.

There are logistics, too. Good Lord, I really am callous and mean! Anyway, he lives an hour away, and is a waiter. Basically that means our schedules are the complete opposite. My thought is that we need to take a little time and see how that will work. On the subject of opposites, our personalities are completely opposite. He always has to be moving or doing something, and I’m much more of a relaxer. He also likes to tease and push peoples’ buttons just to get a reaction, but then he acts surprised when I get annoyed or angry. How is that a unexpected?!

And, damn it, let me enjoy my vacation in peace! Let me worry about that when I get back, rather than having to think about some pining boyfriend back home the whole time. Moving right along…

So. Kayaking. Saturday I was chatting with Soldier a little bit and he asked if I wanted to go kayaking the next day for Harry’s birthday. Of course I agreed. I was a little apprehensive, but figured I should probably just get over it. Hermes was there too, but I mostly just ignored him. I did do quite a bit of observing and just feeling everything out again. I mean, I haven’t been with this whole group in about a year. Soldier’s dad was there too, which was really nice. He kept hanging back to chat with me. I may be wrong, but I’d say he still thinks it was a mistake for Soldier to let me go. WELL HE’S RIGHT! Anyway…I did have a good time. I really like kayaking, and they’re good people to spend time with. Of course, it's still a toss up on how it'll go being stuck in a car with him for an extended amount of time. For now I can say that I'll do my best to relax, not worry about the little things, and just have fun. 

Sigh. Okay guys...I have some very, very sad news that you should probably brace yourselves for. It appears that Van Gogh has moved on. He has a new "luv" that he's vowed to "break free" from an existing relationship. How sad that my knight in shining armor has found another princess in a taller tower. That boy does love the torture. 

It appears that Dylan loves the torture as well. How many times do I have to blow him off before he realizes I don't want to hang out with him? It's getting super annoying and I'm running out of half-assed excuses. Clearly he hasn't read my notes on life, and how you can tell when someone's not interested. He probably still wouldn't give up. Some people just never learn.