My So Called Life

Or, more accurately, My So Called Friends.

One of my greatest strengths is to be there. I try very, very hard to always be readily available when my friends or family need someone. In most cases, the same would be true for me. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I get one of three things: "Oh, something's wrong? Here, let me give you an instant fix it," "Figure it out and get over it," or "That sucks, but let me tell you about how my problems are so much worse." It's really, really freaking exhausting. 

Ugh. I used to be able to at least make funny stuff out of all this, but now it's just sad. I know it sounds pathetic and melodramatic, but I kind of feel like there's less sunshine and color now...and nobody seems to care. Or, maybe it's not so much not caring, and more that it's just more of the same for me and I should be used to rejection by now. I suppose I should, but that never really gets easier, especially when you've had the idea that you'd have a life with that person. I think it would be easier if there was some sort of physical wound to go with a broken heart. Then people would at least see that you're not okay. 

Of course, these are all generalizations. I know that a lot of people have waaay bigger problems than I do. I also do have some friends that will just listen to me. There just seems to be a small group that seem to have a never-ending list of problems. And they're the ones that have these replies, and that I hear from every day. Allen told me that he wouldn't put up with it, and I shouldn't either; I was annoyed that he was dangerously close to telling me what to do. 

Okay, I know that I can talk to a million people and it won't fix my problem or make me feel better, no matter what they say or don't say. I know that it won't bring Soldier back. But it would at least be nice for someone to seem to care that I'm hurting too, and that I need to be heard to. Even if it's just for a few minutes. 
There's one friend that I actually stopped talking to because of this. I have my issues, don't want to be told to get over it, and don't have the energy to listen to whatever she's going to cry about today. Yesterday, her boyfriend even asked me what was going on. I understand where he's coming from, and the sentiment is nice, but that's overstepping boundaries. If I felt I could talk to her about it, I would. Problem is, I know it would just turn back to her and how she's a bad friend and all the reasons her life is doing that and she'd end up crying with me consoling her. 

Anyway, that's my rant on friends. Again, I know talking to them won't bring him back. But, it's a good lesson to remember...even the person that you always go to needs someone to listen as well. 
And that's my after school special

General Musings

Deep thoughts and a glass of wine

Alright, a vodka tonic, but that doesn't sound as classy. Anyway, I was thinking (I know, I know "did it hurt?!" Hahahah, you're so funny and clever.)...actually, I've been thinking a lot lately. I mean I have a lot of free time...which can be bad, because it leads to some existentialism. Generally I think existentialism is silly and frustrating, because there's no answer. 

So here it is: attraction is a funny thing. What makes one person attracted to another? 

Welp, the vodka has taken a turn to tequila town. Bfffffff was in town (he lives a ways away) so we went for drinks and, of course, tequila shots. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gents, we're about to take a ride.

I just sent Allen a text, I don't know why I did that. Apparently I'm that lonely and starved for attention and/or affection. I'm not sure which. Damn I'm lonely. 

So, attraction. The part that I don't get is how one person can feel it, and completely fall, and the other doesn't. Why is that? I can think of multiple guys off the top of my head that this has happened with, and for both sides. (As in, them falling and not me, and me falling and not them). So what is it? I obviously don't have the answer. 

I suppose I need to backtrack a bit. It amuses me how guys come out of the woodwork once I'm single again, but it's such a diverse group. Here's a rundown:

• Dr. Stephen: Mmmmmm...Dr. Stephen. He's basically a real life version of a romance character. Med student. personal trainer, surfer, personal trainer, multi-multi-lingual, respectful, sexy, GORGEOUS. He actually treated me like a princess; spending time with him was absolute bliss.
• Crap. I have to come up with names for the rest.
• John Keats: the original romantic. Someone I'd known of in high school, but never really talked to...a writer and a dreamer. It freaked me out with this amazing idea he'd had of me. Recently I posted a FB status and he said he'd "follow me into the dark."  Super sweet but, again, I don't trust a romantic.
• Lindberg: hobby pilot and wine/liquor salesman. A really great guy, I just didn't see it going super far...and I couldn't even explain why. I really liked him though.
• Einstein: the valedictorian from my graduating class, went to a Big Ten school, works/has worked (not looking that up) for Fortune 500 companies. I think he always had a little thing for me. 
• Tex: the crazy Texan! Met him when we both worked at a performing arts camp...he's a wonderful mix of performer, shocker, and charmer. 
• The last one I'm not even giving a name to, because he's not worth it. Last time I talked to him, he told me I should consider suicide. Works at a car dealership or something, possibly has a degree from a mediocre university (I can say that because I went there for a year) and has an out of wedlock child. So, not really worth mentioning, but I suppose he fits in the list.

What puzzles me is how all of these come to me. So much diversity, so many different personalities and backgrounds. So why me? I guess if I had that answer, I wouldn't be here writing to all of you when I should be sleeping. But, mostly, why all of them, and not Soldier? 

Again, I wouldn't be doing this if I had that answer. I hope, pray, scream, beg, cry, yearn, wish, and demand every day that Soldier will come back. And yet, here I am. Pathetic, broken, and trying to seem normal. Thank goodness I'm a decent actress. 

So, this was your first sad/pitiful/self loathing entry...seems a bit quick. Thoughts, prayers, and witchcraft to bring back that part of my heart are welcome. All others will be towed! 

 

Jumping the Gun

Or, one of the reasons I'm bad at dating.

I think I might try to start every post with a tagline or subtitle. I like that. Until it gets hard to write one...then...no me gusta. (And that's the extent of my Spanish! Well, that and a few curse words. They come in handy.)

Alright. I had date number two with Allen. Which is odd to say, because this one was secured before the first one. Anyway, it was a concert at a local festival. The day before, he'd asked me if I wanted to meet up before the concert. I'll take part responsibility for the misunderstanding that ensued, as I hadn't been given any information and assumed the concert started at 9 (which, it turned out, the main band did). So, I agreed and told him that I just had a lunch date and should be finished by 2.

Well, the morning of the date I got bombarded with people wanting things, and since I didn't think the concert started till later, I didn't worry about texting right away. I also didn't really want to be tied to the whole day...I'm kind of (HA, kind of...more like ridiculously) introverted, so I really need time by myself. Like, to the point where I could spend all weekend without leaving the house and be completely fine with it. Slight sidetrack...get used to that.

Just before 2, I got a text asking me about not having texted. I replied that some things had come up and that, since we didn't have any specific plans, I didn't know it was a huge deal. He said it was fine if something came up, but he was sitting around waiting to hear from me. I partly felt guilty, and partly was annoyed that he was just sitting around waiting. The last line of the text was "I thought you wanted to meet before the concert?" To which I replied "Well what are you thinking?" He then said that I was obviously too busy and that they were all meeting at 6:30 so he'd just see me there. I have a slight temper, so I was instantly pissed. I brought up the fact that we didn't have set plans, thought the concert started at 9, and wasn't told about anything otherwise. It kept coming back to me having said I was supposed to text and didn't. I was also annoyed because, since I apparently didn't text at the right time, it was off the table. Half of me wanted to roll my eyes and get over it, but my mom had been giving me crap lately...she tells me that the instant a guy is nice and actually likes me, I start running. Might not be incredibly untrue. So, I decided to try and calm down and take the high road; I asked what he would like to do. We met up at the concert, and it was pretty awkward for a while. ...A long while. Eventually, things seemed to be okay, and I ended up giving him a ride back to his parent's place (he lives a few hours away; that part's important).

I stopped the car and told him I had a good time, and he had this weird look on his face. I asked if he was okay...and then it began again. He apologized for the misunderstanding, and kept bringing up the fact that I didn't text at the right time. I got increasingly frustrated and had to restrain myself; I kept going back to "I'm very sorry, but I can't go back and change it now." But it kept going. Apparently this was an issue he'd had with his last girlfriend. (Whoa there, slow your roll.) It seems she would make plans and then not show up; she'd even missed an anniversary. He kept apologizing though...he wasn't trying to control me or anything. He's just overly sensitive to this. Let me take a step back and say that I'm the first to admit I've got issues, a lot of them, and I acknowledge it. But it was like beating a dead horse. However, I'm also a smart person, so I took a deep breath and calmed. I told him that I did understand where he was coming from, that I was sorry for the misunderstanding, and that all I could do was keep that in mind. This bettered the situation...in a way. Allen had kept saying that he didn't owe me anything; that we weren't dating or anything. Sorry, that's backtracking a bit. Whatevsies. Well, after I changed my tactic, so did he. He asked how I feel about him, because he really likes me a lot. After two dates. I told him that we hadn't spend enough time together for me to really know. That was only partly true; I already know my feelings. I know that, as stupid as I am, I still feel like a part of me is gallivanting around the country right now. And I guess it is. I think that when you go through a heartbreak, there should be a physical showing of it, so everyone knows you're not okay. Sorry, sidetrack again. Well, that part resolved itself for the time being and I got home.

The next day, really trying to be open-minded, I went to his parent's to see him. They were wonderful, and I had a really nice time. After a while, though, I was ready to go home and be by myself. There's something wrong with me.

Alright, now let's look at all the red flags, umm, obviously flagged in red.

1. Bringing up the ex. Never, ever, EVER a good thing to do at the start. You know they exist, but they don't need to be a part of the "getting to know you" process. Also, not being able to carry your own baggage. Again, not a good beginning.
2. I feel like, if you have to say something like that, it's just the opposite. Kind of when someone says "I'm not trying to be offensive" you just know they're about to be a douche.
3. I can't pinpoint what it is about this phrase. "You don't owe me anything" just has a cringe-worthy factor to it for me. If anyone can explain that to me, please do.
4. This last one is just something that shouldn't be spoken. At this point in the...what, courting process?...you don't ask things like that. You're getting to know each other and feeling things out and, whatthefuck that is just too soon. In his defense, too soon only because I'm an idiot and wrapped up in my own ridiculous misery. 

Maybe my mum's right, I really do just have an issue with someone who actually cares and likes me. At any rate (drink!) I'm still trying to talk to him and get through my own thick skull. You'll be the first to know if that works. 

Scotch

Because romance can be just as intoxicating

Now that I've gotten my cheesy tagline out of the way, let me start by saying that I'm ridiculously stupid. Wait, no, maybe not. They do say that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Nope, just kidding, that's absolutely not it...I really am just stupid. But you can't help who you love, right? Right?

Okay, rewind a few weeks. I went out for a friend's birthday, and I didn't know half of the group. That's how I met Allen, a quite attractive transplant from Europe. He lives a few hours away, so we exchanged numbers and text almost every day. He'd invited me to a concert, which happens to be this weekend. He came into town a little early, so we hung out yesterday, even though I had to force myself.

We went to the beach, to a semi-secluded place he knew about. It was great--quiet, peaceful, and absolutely gorgeous. We talked and laughed, and it was a pretty good time. I also noticed that he kept sliding closer to me. It wasn't super surprising when he kissed me, but I'm a sucker for a kiss where they cradle the back of your neck. Also, the scene...it was kind of like a movie. So there was some kissing, kept PG-13, and then more chatting. It was a little different though...cozier, closer, and more cuddly.

After a little bit, Allen got up to use the bathroom. I didn't mind; I closed my eyes and tilted my head back for a few minutes and just enjoyed the locale. Next thing I knew, Allen was back and had snuck up behind me. He lightly slid his hands on my upper arms and kissed my neck. WOW. Well, expectantly wow. I won't say that it wasn't nice. Unfortunately (and this is where I'm stupid), I kept thinking about my Soldier. Except he's not my soldier and that's why we're back to this point. Anyway that foreplay went on for a couple of minutes and then we went back to chatting, with him holding me very close. Anybody can relate to the satisfaction and peace it comes with feeling that you're valued and needed. We left not too far after...I'm not a superfan of PDA and Allen tried to make it a little too romantic for me. Also, having a guy with a non-American accent lavish you with compliments about your beauty definitely doesn't suck. Again, I'm an idiot.

So we left, and it seemed to be reluctant on his part. I'm much less social than I come across so I was just ready to go home and sleep. All I could think about was the Soldier, and I was compelled to have a road soda on the way home (if you don't know what that is, don't ask). I'm seeing him again tomorrow, and I'm not nearly as excited as I probably should be.

Ah well...it doesn't seem as if Soldier will be out of my head anytime soon. His friends and family all think he's stupid. He's "letting himself go" (a nice way of saying he's getting fat), and acting like a child. But to me he's still incredible...attractive, confident, strong, intelligent, and brave. To me he was a wonderful balance to my personality.

C'est la vie. But mostly, such is MY life. I know, I know, boo-hoo to me. But it feels sad and lonely, and missing the guy that fit.
As was the norm, I'll keep you updated on how that goes for me.

Return of the Ex(es)

The last time we heard about Elliot, he was lighting a match to burn that bridge. Here’s a recap:

Elliot lives on the West Coast, and I’m in the Midwest. We dated for a few months, but it really didn’t work out. We stayed amicable, and I had no ill feelings toward him. We’d been broken up for at least two years, when I got a Facebook message from his girlfriend. She didn’t appreciate that I commented on one of his statuses, and felt the need to let me know. I found this odd (and more than a little irritating) because they’d been dating for a year and a half and had just gotten back from a tropical vacation, and I was across the freaking country.  I hadn’t even entertained any thoughts of getting back together with him and was absolutely livid. But, trying to be the bigger person, I simply didn’t reply. I then got a message from him apologizing for it, but letting me know that he needed “to abide by her wishes” and for the “friendly banter” to slow. Not knowing Elliot, that probably seems valid. But one of the things that had drawn me to him in the first place was his sense of justice and fairness, and his refusal to let people push him around. So here I was looking like some crazed ex-girlfriend pining for him, and he was gently inserting his manhood into a jar by her bed, and it pissed me off. I did give them what they wanted and unfriended him, and haven’t talked to him since.

Which brings us to now: last week I randomly got a message from him.  It had an article from my town that made national news, and of course it made him think of me. He then commented on my new short hair (I chopped off about a foot)…then started telling me about this nice new lady he’s dating and how wonderful his life is. Umm…hmm. First off, I care more about what fresh ridiculousness the Kardashians are getting into than what’s going on with his life. (Which is really saying a lot, because I think they’re a waste. I’m a little concerned I’m starting to have an unhealthy hatred obsession, like what happens in Mean Girls.) So, anyway, I don’t care. (And cue the Fall Out Boy song!) Secondly…just…wtf? We haven’t spoken in over a year, you’re probably trying to clear the air, and that’s how you go about doing it? And it was irrationally irritating because of the recent breakup. Douche-face.

So, last weekend, I went grocery shopping. Not a big deal for normal people, but I don’t like crowds so I kind of have to prep myself. I had my list and was all good to go, and I almost immediately saw my very first boyfriend and his mom and sister. He’s been married for a few years, and I’m not sure his mom and sister liked me all that much, so I steered down a different aisle and tried to hide a bit. I ended up running into them about 10 more times…I just hoped they didn’t recognize me.

These kind of things always seem to happen to me in groups…I’m not relishing whatever ex will pop out of the woodwork next.

Back to the Drawing Board

So the blog is back up. For those of you coming back, I've missed you. Also, I SERIOUSLY regret getting rid of it the first time...there were some great stories and I'm not sure I can recreate them very well. 

Anyway here's the rundown for my returners--the reason I got rid of the blog in the first place was because I thought I'd found THE ONE. The stupid part is you know how I feel about the One. Anyway he seemed amazing (big surprise) but decided at some point that he wasn't in love with me, and apparently should have been by that time. In keeping with my usual routine, I'm not at all doing well with the break up. But, also keeping to normal, the stories have started back up. 

For those of you just joining us, I'll try and sum up the blog. 
First off, this blog is meant to be purely humor. Although you'll also find it can get depressing, angry, irritating, grateful...it pretty much runs the gamut of emotions. It began a while back when I started having crazy weird things happen to me with the whole dating game. I finally mentioned to my parents (who are AWESOME) that I should just start a blog, to which my dad replied "You could call it 'Richard Cranium!'" (And if you happen to not get it, let me break it down for you slowly...what's a nickname for Richard? And what's the more common word for cranium? Got it? Good. I'm proud of you!) So I actually did start the blog, and it kind of took on a life of its own. We had some special features--Richard Cranium of the Day, Richard Cranium words, ways to spot a Richard Cranium...pretty much whatever I came up with. Oh I also like to use guest stories (I call them Celebrity Shots, like in beer pong), but I of course can't help but add commentary. Plus the important part--the disclaimer--I don't use people's real names, and I try not to use any identifying information. Hmm...that's all the important information I can think of right now. 

I have my first post in mind (would it technically be the second post? is this the first one? or does this count as the introduction? Yeah...I'm gonna call it the introduction). Right, so I have the first post in mind but I'm not sure I'll get it up today (that's what she said does not work in this instance...that's just awkward)...my bestie is in town and I get to go see her pretty face! 

Hopefully this one does as well as the previous blog...well, I guess it's just an extension since it has the same name. Thanks to those of you reading, I hope you find some humor in it. :)