Forbidden Fruit

When the thing you want most in the world is the one thing you can't have

In the last post, I forgot to give an update on Soldier. We went back and forth on our Facebook messaging a little bit. At one point he asked if I just wanted to get back together. The problem is, I'm not sure if he was asking if I want to get back together, or if he was asking if that's the only thing I want. Well, yes on both accounts! Although, I guess that's not really a problem, because I'm not going to push it and I'm sure he's not going to say anything. I'm supposed to have a Girls Night with Ginny and some of the other girls next weekend and I'm already dreading it a little bit.

I think I mentioned coming to visit my brother and his this weekend. I wasn't sure about it, but I'm really glad I came out. My brother and I got some bonding time, which was great, and we got in some good hiking. It was awesome...we hiked up this not-mountain that I kept calling Hogsmeade and we just looked over everything up at the top. Very naturey and beautiful.

Hanging out with my mom and dad and brother and pregnant sister-in-law is definitely making my biological clock tick more loudly. I mean, it's always ticking in the back of my mind. But I will say that I'm uber excited for my brother and sisinlaw. (Yup, I just made it one word. Whatcha gonna do bout that?! Nothin. That's what I thought. Unh!) They'll be ridiculously amazing parents so that's great.

I've found myself talking (and thinking) an equal amount about Lindbergh and Soldier this weekend. I miss them both. And I seriously wish I could get past Soldier...but that doesn't seem to be happening. Stupid feels.

I can tell that I'm holding back a bit with Lindbergh. It started more as friends and he's really grown on me, and I really like him. But there's always the thought in the back of my mind about him having been married. He's been through it all. And it seems like, even if things did get to that point with us, he would be overly cautious and leery of moving things forward. But we also agreed to not talk about that stuff haha. I'm so ridiculous sometimes! But I also don't know how I could move on with him when I'm still thinking quite a bit about Soldier.

What drives me nuts is I'm ready. I'm ready for something more. I love when people tell you it'll happen when you least expect it. Well, fuck, I've stopped expecting anything! I didn't expect anything with Soldier, and look where that got me. I didn't expect to talk to Jonathan again, and look where that got me. I didn't expect to meet Scotch, and look where that got me. Nothing works, no matter what I do or don't do.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for myself...at least not right this second. It's more along the lines of pondering. More like...that's just how it is. But, it still sucks. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. The end.