Beginning

Of the end.

I finally did it. I made a difficult, mature decision to release Tee back into the sea to find his perfect fish. Here's how it all went down...


Tee sent me an email that he was concerned with my answers about the bonfire. I read the email a few times and knew that I had some options on how to respond...I took the bitch option. I figured this was opening the door for things to end and that would make it easier. I said that he obviously didn't trust me as much as he thought; that I'd told him about the bonfire beforehand and that I'd given him the information he asked about. Then I'll admit I got a little harsh...I said that it was starting to kind of sound like an interrogation and I didn't appreciate it. 
He then went into how he wasn't trying to interrogate me...he said so many times that he trusted me and if I say it was nothing, then it was nothing. At one point he mentioned that he understood I'd been a little distant, but it was no big deal and we'd get through it. Well, this was it. 

I told him that I'd been feeling distant for quite a while and that he was just starting to notice because I was starting to take it out on him. It was hard to tell him some of this stuff, but it was true and I needed to say it. I told him that I was looking at an upcoming trip as a last-ditch-effort, but that it didn't seem like such a good idea anymore. 
I felt bad for him after that, it seemed very panicky. He kept telling me how he knew I cared, no matter what I said. It all felt quite "the lady doth protest too much, methinks." He ended it saying that we needed to just enjoy each other and forget about this. So I tried to back up a little bit and explain that I had been feeling distant and that I didn't like how I was treating him and the person I was becoming. After a little more back and forth, I finally said I didn't think things could keep going. 
Tee made one more attempt. He said that he wanted to make sure that this was what I wanted and that he'd give me some time to think about it. Well, I obviously knew that I wasn't going to change my mind and didn't take the time he offered. I let him know that it was what I wanted and needed. 

I felt like a horrible person. I've been in that position and I know how much it sucks. Then he made it worse...he wrote back that he understood and would respect my decision. He reiterated how much he cared about me and just wanted me to be happy. Part of me wanted to tell him that he'd treated me incredibly well, and he would some how see that it was for the best, that he deserves to be with someone who appreciates him and enjoys the same things. I didn't though, I know it would be pointless and just drag it out. 

My parents saw him today. My mom told me that they really liked him, and they'd known him before we started dating, so they were going to keep seeing him. I'm okay with that. He really is a nice guy, he's just not the nice guy for me. She also told me that he's doing alright...much better than I ever did with breakups, but that doesn't take much. As for me, I'm pretty relieved. My unhappiness was weighing on me and making me feel awful, and I really did hate the person I was becoming towards him. But it's all open water now, little fish, so just keep swimming. 

Gossip Girl

You know you love me...Xoxo

I didn't watch Gossip Girl when it was on the air, but I've started binge watching it lately. I think my life has taken a page out of that book. But not one of the good pages that includes a bottomless bank account, buying couture as if it were candy, and jet-setting off on a whim. Unfortunately. 

Hang onto your hats, kids, this one's a doozy.

Last week I got a bonfire invite on the Facebook from Soldier. There has been some back and forth (some, I shamefully admit, inappropriate) and there was kind of an abrupt end. So I asked if it was a mistake to invite me, and he told me that he guessed it wasn't (guessed? ouch.); that he had gone with FB's suggestions. Which maybe means he's stalking my page a lot? Eh, dunno. Anyway I said I'd go if our friend Ginny went, then I asked her to let me know. 
Well, yesterday was the day, and I was doing fine. Out of nowhere, my legs started acting up, and I started to get feverish and ick. So I was just going to ignore it when Ginny texted me; I figured nobody would really care if I just didn't go. But a bit later Soldier texted and told me that there were a bunch of girls to socialize with and he kind of tried to talk me into it so, eventually, I went. I only expected to be there for a bit. 

It was really good to see everyone though! And at one point, I don't even remember how it happened, Soldier and I wandered off and sat on the couch talking. So much stuff came out...things we'd never really talked about before. I told him things I wasn't really proud of, about not so much getting over him, and he told me how much he knew that he messed up and wish he could change it all. It was strange, because he doesn't ever say he's wrong. I cried a couple of times, and he actually opened up a bit, which is also strange. He does feelings even less than I do. It was so nice to just talk, and to get all this stuff out, and I didn't want to leave. But, I promise, I was a good girl. Well, other than completely spilling my heart out. I did end up leaving at 5...I don't even know if that's late or early. I think the sun was actually starting to come up. 
There was a crazy mix of emotions that hasn't really stopped. 

I had plans to meet Tee for lunch, and I followed through, sleep-deprived and hungover as I was. I told him that I went to the bonfire, but kept out some of those intimate details. He seemed surprised and displeased, even though I'd told him I was invited to this party. He asked some questions that sounded suspicious, and my answers were a bit vague so that probably didn't help. 
I think he can tell I've been cooling; he seems to be trying extra hard. I can see my past relationships in it, but with reversed roles. I used to be the one thinking I could do something to make the other person happy, knowing deep down I really couldn't. But I hope you don't think this is all because of Soldier. I guess if you follow the blog you know it isn't; I've been trying for probably 6 months to make myself feel something. 

I was sitting at home after hanging out with Tee, when Soldier invited me over for some drinks. I first declined, not entirely sure I could stay honest. But I really wanted to see him and talk more, so I relented. Please don't think too badly of me and my weak constitution. 
There were some other people over and we all just hung out. I kept looking at Soldier's eyes...they mesmerize me. But, again, I promise nothing happened. When I went to leave, he asked if I wanted to stay and just talk. I really wanted to, but I didn't. 

It feels a bit epic. I asked a lot of questions, and he said things just felt different. When I asked how, he said he feels more in his heart for me. He's never said anything even remotely close to that sweet or open before. He's also stressing caution and thorough thought...he's likely getting a government job but has no idea where he'll be sent. I told him that the sad thing was if he asked, I would go. He again stressed prudence and, when I asked for elaboration, he said it was because he could see himself asking. That's some fucking romantic shit. Damn it. 

This also feels slightly like Pocahontas. Why can't my life be like a good movie, like The Prince and Me or something? It worked for Kate Middleton.