And I said heyyy, what's going on?
Disclaimer: I've started drinking and Soldier is gone for the weekend.
So. Where to start? Not that there's that much. I think we close on our house this week! YAY!!! I can't wait to have our own space, not have to smell the neighbors'...smells, and having all of my kitchen stuff back! And to renovate things and get a puppy.
And that means I'll have to get serious about getting a job, which I'm a tiny bit conflicted about.
First, the negative. To be completely honest, I LIKE BEING LAZY. I'm certain most people would do this given the option. BUT it would feel good to be contributing again, and having more money because WHAT THE FUCK GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN. Oooh, lots of yelly caps lock in this post! I mean, Soldier almost had me believing in Libertarianism (because both Republicans and Democrats suck all around), until people started cutting down trees in Joshua Tree park and just ruining the national parks. Just about a year ago, when we were in Hawaii, they shut down Volcano National Park because of the shutdown...probably the best bet. Because people can't be trusted to just do good things.
Soldier likes to play devil's advocate and told me that Obama's shutdown was very similar; he wasn't backing down and said he'd keep the government shut until his healthcare plan went through. But at least (in my opinion), Obama was fighting for something helpful and good. Trump is...*sigh*...fuck...he's just awful. He's either too self absorbed or too fucking stupid to think about the big picture. Will a wall actually do anything? I'm gonna be honest, I haven't actually looked into it, but people on my FB say that the research says walls don't fucking work and most of the drugs are coming in by plane.
Okay, sorry, I don't want to get super political. It's just a tiny bit terrifying that we're on one income, about to close on our house, and OH WAIT ACTUALLY HAVE NO INCOME. What's even worse overall is, out of the hundreds of thousands of people not getting paid, Soldier and I are doing great in the grand scheme. We have plenty of money in savings and very supportive parents if we need help. I can't imagine how awful it is for people who are living paycheck to paycheck or don't have savings to tide them over. It's all fucking bullshit. Alright. Bottom line of all this is I should get a job.
Other bad part? It's still scary. I have faith that things will work out the way they're supposed to, I think the area is big enough that I'll be able to find something I'll really find fulfillment in. But...AHHHHHH. For some reason I can't shake the feeling that I'm begging when I'm looking for a job. And I lose ALL confidence. I know deep down that I have good skills and experience. So what the fuck?! Stop it, Laura!
Alright alright, that's enough of that. What else? Have I told you all that I'm in physical therapy? I'm still not sold on my new rheumatologist (which google still says isn't a word), but she did thankfully start me on this. I honestly thought I would just have to deal with my legs being swollen every day, or have to be on chemo drugs, but this is actually working! Turns out my sluggish life in Juneau took a toll and my knees just need some muscle around them. Once I get all that back...maybe I can run regularly again, and maybe, eventually, I'll be able to stop stabbing myself with drugs.
Becaaauuuse, now I have eczema. Is it permanent? Is it a consequence of this abominable apartment? Is it a side effect of medication that wipes out my immune system? WHO FUCKING KNOWS. I've searched everything I could think of, and all I've come up with is "oh it's this skin thing that sometime happens...and it might continue or it might not byeee." Father in law said he could call in a prescription for me and I haven't taken him up on it...because I feel bad bothering him? What is wrong with me?!
But this issue has gotten me back on thinking: when you have a chronic illness you don't really own your body anymore. Which almost means you don't own your self. Because you have to give your body up to tests, and medications, and side effects, and whatever the illness makes of all that or feels like doing that day. And all of that shit takes a toll on your mind. And when your body and mind are consumed by the illness, what else do you have? OH. AND. Today I got a bill for over $400 for blood work and X-rays ordered by the rheumatologist. THANK YOU, HEALTHCARE. Especially when we're furloughed. I've gotten used to cooperating with whatever test is needed for my care, but my insurance is still like "OH, OH GOSH. WHAT'S HAPPENING?! DO WE NEED THIS? IS THIS NECESSARY? Either way, can we make someone else pay for it?"
BUT LET'S NOT CHANGE ANYTHING. THIS IS GREAT.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. There are many things I've been keeping in. Clearly I need to find a job so I have a purpose and I stop just getting angry at...stuff. For those of you who are more into the book stuff, I'm working on it. I've been feeling self-induced pressure to step up my game. So I will. Maaaybe.
Time to wrap it up! It's still a bit of a struggle here; it's not small enough for the closeness of Juneau or near enough to be with our actual family and friends. There are definitely more good points than bad, I'm just feeling a little down. But I know it will all work out.
I'm hoping to have my next book "review" out soonish, and I've ordered the new ones. You know I'll keep you updated on what else is happening.
Umm...I can't really think of a good way to end this one. Soo...okay byeeee!
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