It's the End of the World as We Know It

And I feel...


Well, there's been a lot of shit happening. Let's go in sections. 


The Virus

As someone with a useless immune system who also works at a hospital (didn't really think that one through, now did I?), this thing terrifies me. Each time I tried to write a post about it, I got to this point of despair and just closed my laptop. Soldier told me I could quit my job. My siblings tried earnestly to convince me not to go to work. But I kept going and walked into the security theater (as Soldier calls it) of taking temperatures at the point of entry. One day my temp came up at 90 degrees. That's lower than the point of hypothermia...but I didn't have a fever so it was fine. And apparently nobody cared that the thermometers were obviously wildly inaccurate. We stopped allowing visitors which was weird at first but we quickly started to enjoy. My unit was closed for maybe 2 months? The time has all run together in my head. In that time I went to other units and got more comfortable and made lots of new friends. Actually, our area wasn't hit too hard. We've been lucky. 
But with things opening back up, I'm now more scared than I was in the beginning. People have gotten stir crazy and they think that wearing a mask or simply giving people space is an inconvenience and somehow stepping on their civil liberties. Is this happening in other countries? I'm so disappointed in this country. Yesterday we went out for the first time since things started opening up. We thought a winery would be safe--outside options and gorgeous weather. But it turned out the place was huge, and completely packed. Almost nobody wore masks (admittedly I didn't either, though I usually do). I tried to keep my distance from others in line but people would cut through or butt up behind me. My chest felt tight and I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack. Thankfully we gave up after about 10 minutes. 
I'm torn between wanting to have the latest information and wanting to bury my head in the sand. And I'm terrified that this will never go away. I'm worried that the "new normal" (I hate that phrase) will be fear to go out in public, no more shopping, only getting takeout, doing what I can to spend all my time holed up at home. There are lots of people here who think the old and immuno-compromised should just stay home if they're scared and let the rest of the world get back to the way they want it. They don't care that this is what it means. Oof. Time to move on. 


Black Lives Matter

How are we still having to do this? It seems like the revolution has finally come, and it's about damn time. I know I've spent too long being silent. I'm making an effort to educate myself, to speak up, and to be a better ally. 
We live in a pretty conservative area, and some of the people I work with are pretty racist, though of course they don't think so. I'm trying to speak up and show them how their words matter. So far it hasn't gotten through to them. 
We also have a lot of people who are doubling down on support for the police, the whole "what about black on black crime" argument, and "well if they would just follow the law this wouldn't happen." You didn't ask for it, but here's my opinion: the police should be held to a higher standard than the average citizen. This is a job they chose: to protect people. They can choose to walk away from the job if they can't do that. Oh, but police officers are people and they make mistakes too. Bullshit. Putting your knee on someone's neck is not a mistake. Shooting someone who's walking away or sitting in their car is not a mistake. Pushing down elderly people with your plastic shields is not a mistake. Spraying pepper spray at a person who's on the ground in the fetal position is not a mistake. And there are countless other examples. And if you don't think 8 minutes and 46 seconds is an eternity, set an alarm for that amount of time and just sit. And then imagine someone kneeling on your neck for that long. 

Sorry, I have a lot of rage on this point. It's heartbreaking that we keep treating people of color as less than, and I don't understand how anyone can not be outraged at it. People of color have been fighting their entire lives. It's time for the rest of us to put in the work. 

The Rest

Soldier found out a few months ago he was being transferred. So on top of the Covid stuff, we've been trying to sell the house and get ready for the move to a new state. Luckily Soldier has been on furlough so he had lots of time to do work on the house. He was a rock star! He fully redid 2 bathrooms, put new flooring in 2 bedrooms, reroofed both of our garages, touched up paint on the outside of the house, recemented the walkout stairs, built a railing for the deck stairway, and redid a bunch of wiring, on top of a hundred small things. I'm so lucky to have him! 
Trying to sell the house went much better than I expected--we had SO much interest in it! Which is great, but then you've got 50 strangers rummaging through your house, leaving all their germs. I was a nervous wreck. Also we have automatic locks-you just put in a code instead of using a key-and for some reason these realtors could. not. figure out how to use them. It was baffling. 
People at work keep asking me if I'm excited and, honestly, I'm not. It's just tiring. It feels like we just got here and made this place our own. In the short time we've been here, we've made so many memories. And now we have to pack up, downsize back into an apartment, and figure out what our next move is. 

So, that's life here for the time being. Just trying to navigate each day in this hellscape that is our world. Nah, it's not all bad. I keep trying to focus on the positives, and I'm really trying to make a commitment to be a better ally and a better person in general.