Beginning

Of the end.

I finally did it. I made a difficult, mature decision to release Tee back into the sea to find his perfect fish. Here's how it all went down...


Tee sent me an email that he was concerned with my answers about the bonfire. I read the email a few times and knew that I had some options on how to respond...I took the bitch option. I figured this was opening the door for things to end and that would make it easier. I said that he obviously didn't trust me as much as he thought; that I'd told him about the bonfire beforehand and that I'd given him the information he asked about. Then I'll admit I got a little harsh...I said that it was starting to kind of sound like an interrogation and I didn't appreciate it. 
He then went into how he wasn't trying to interrogate me...he said so many times that he trusted me and if I say it was nothing, then it was nothing. At one point he mentioned that he understood I'd been a little distant, but it was no big deal and we'd get through it. Well, this was it. 

I told him that I'd been feeling distant for quite a while and that he was just starting to notice because I was starting to take it out on him. It was hard to tell him some of this stuff, but it was true and I needed to say it. I told him that I was looking at an upcoming trip as a last-ditch-effort, but that it didn't seem like such a good idea anymore. 
I felt bad for him after that, it seemed very panicky. He kept telling me how he knew I cared, no matter what I said. It all felt quite "the lady doth protest too much, methinks." He ended it saying that we needed to just enjoy each other and forget about this. So I tried to back up a little bit and explain that I had been feeling distant and that I didn't like how I was treating him and the person I was becoming. After a little more back and forth, I finally said I didn't think things could keep going. 
Tee made one more attempt. He said that he wanted to make sure that this was what I wanted and that he'd give me some time to think about it. Well, I obviously knew that I wasn't going to change my mind and didn't take the time he offered. I let him know that it was what I wanted and needed. 

I felt like a horrible person. I've been in that position and I know how much it sucks. Then he made it worse...he wrote back that he understood and would respect my decision. He reiterated how much he cared about me and just wanted me to be happy. Part of me wanted to tell him that he'd treated me incredibly well, and he would some how see that it was for the best, that he deserves to be with someone who appreciates him and enjoys the same things. I didn't though, I know it would be pointless and just drag it out. 

My parents saw him today. My mom told me that they really liked him, and they'd known him before we started dating, so they were going to keep seeing him. I'm okay with that. He really is a nice guy, he's just not the nice guy for me. She also told me that he's doing alright...much better than I ever did with breakups, but that doesn't take much. As for me, I'm pretty relieved. My unhappiness was weighing on me and making me feel awful, and I really did hate the person I was becoming towards him. But it's all open water now, little fish, so just keep swimming. 

Gossip Girl

You know you love me...Xoxo

I didn't watch Gossip Girl when it was on the air, but I've started binge watching it lately. I think my life has taken a page out of that book. But not one of the good pages that includes a bottomless bank account, buying couture as if it were candy, and jet-setting off on a whim. Unfortunately. 

Hang onto your hats, kids, this one's a doozy.

Last week I got a bonfire invite on the Facebook from Soldier. There has been some back and forth (some, I shamefully admit, inappropriate) and there was kind of an abrupt end. So I asked if it was a mistake to invite me, and he told me that he guessed it wasn't (guessed? ouch.); that he had gone with FB's suggestions. Which maybe means he's stalking my page a lot? Eh, dunno. Anyway I said I'd go if our friend Ginny went, then I asked her to let me know. 
Well, yesterday was the day, and I was doing fine. Out of nowhere, my legs started acting up, and I started to get feverish and ick. So I was just going to ignore it when Ginny texted me; I figured nobody would really care if I just didn't go. But a bit later Soldier texted and told me that there were a bunch of girls to socialize with and he kind of tried to talk me into it so, eventually, I went. I only expected to be there for a bit. 

It was really good to see everyone though! And at one point, I don't even remember how it happened, Soldier and I wandered off and sat on the couch talking. So much stuff came out...things we'd never really talked about before. I told him things I wasn't really proud of, about not so much getting over him, and he told me how much he knew that he messed up and wish he could change it all. It was strange, because he doesn't ever say he's wrong. I cried a couple of times, and he actually opened up a bit, which is also strange. He does feelings even less than I do. It was so nice to just talk, and to get all this stuff out, and I didn't want to leave. But, I promise, I was a good girl. Well, other than completely spilling my heart out. I did end up leaving at 5...I don't even know if that's late or early. I think the sun was actually starting to come up. 
There was a crazy mix of emotions that hasn't really stopped. 

I had plans to meet Tee for lunch, and I followed through, sleep-deprived and hungover as I was. I told him that I went to the bonfire, but kept out some of those intimate details. He seemed surprised and displeased, even though I'd told him I was invited to this party. He asked some questions that sounded suspicious, and my answers were a bit vague so that probably didn't help. 
I think he can tell I've been cooling; he seems to be trying extra hard. I can see my past relationships in it, but with reversed roles. I used to be the one thinking I could do something to make the other person happy, knowing deep down I really couldn't. But I hope you don't think this is all because of Soldier. I guess if you follow the blog you know it isn't; I've been trying for probably 6 months to make myself feel something. 

I was sitting at home after hanging out with Tee, when Soldier invited me over for some drinks. I first declined, not entirely sure I could stay honest. But I really wanted to see him and talk more, so I relented. Please don't think too badly of me and my weak constitution. 
There were some other people over and we all just hung out. I kept looking at Soldier's eyes...they mesmerize me. But, again, I promise nothing happened. When I went to leave, he asked if I wanted to stay and just talk. I really wanted to, but I didn't. 

It feels a bit epic. I asked a lot of questions, and he said things just felt different. When I asked how, he said he feels more in his heart for me. He's never said anything even remotely close to that sweet or open before. He's also stressing caution and thorough thought...he's likely getting a government job but has no idea where he'll be sent. I told him that the sad thing was if he asked, I would go. He again stressed prudence and, when I asked for elaboration, he said it was because he could see himself asking. That's some fucking romantic shit. Damn it. 

This also feels slightly like Pocahontas. Why can't my life be like a good movie, like The Prince and Me or something? It worked for Kate Middleton. 

The Phantom of the Wedding is there

inside your mind

Meredith and Darryl's wedding finally happened this weekend. I put in a whooole lotta work for it, but it was completely worth it. I made some new friends and got to see Dwight, which I was a little worried about. I hadn't seen him since we tried being friends and he developed feelings. Twice. Anyway, let me escort you back in time for the wedding weekend. 

The weekend started on Friday with breakfast for the girls. Nope, actually, it started at her parent's house before breakfast. I wanted to go over my duties one last time to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. While I was there, she got a call from the salon where we were all going to get manicures. Someone was sick and they tried to get her to reschedule. Many brides would freak out about this, and Meredith is extra emotional in general...but she handled it like a pro. She explained that she could not reschedule, that there was a group coming, and that it had been set up far in advance. Whoever she talked to didn't seem to understand it, which seemed odd, as I can't imagine it's an uncommon thing. Somehow they figured it out and got their shit together. So cheers to that.
Breakfast included myself, Meredith, her mom, the maid of honor, the flower girl, the junior bridesmaid, and the mom of the last two. The flower girl was an absolute doll, so she'll forthwith be known as Doll. 
From breakfast we went to the salon where they figured out how to get us all in. We had to wait a bit so I played some games with Doll on my Nook. When it was my turn, I asked Doll if I could use the same color as her, and that was it. We became best friends. 

Official duties started at the rehearsal that night. I was nervous to get everything right, and because there were a bunch of people I wasn't entirely familiar with. Dwight didn't even look at me for the majority of the time, and I was even more uncomfortable...more so when I was standing all alone like a loser. Although, as we were all getting ready to leave the church, I did notice him kind of laughing at Doll and I. So I thought it might be okay to try and talk to him at the rehearsal dinner, and I asked if he remembered Maximus. 

Maximus was a tiny turtle we'd found when we were out walking years ago. I told him I'd gone through all my Facebook pictures to find him the other day, and he promptly pulled up the same picture on his phone. He sat next to me through dinner and the whole group was a riot. 
Some of us went to the groom's parent's house afterwards to have a drink. I remembered why I'd liked hanging out with Dwight; I found myself not really wanting to leave. Don't worry, I was good. 

Of course it was an early start on Saturday; I had to get ready before everyone else even came close. First up was doing Meredith's makeup. She doesn't normally wear any, and I have a flair for the dramatic; it was a bit of a challenge. But she ended up looking beautiful, and the makeup held up to the end of the night. 
Off I went to set up the reception hall. The flowers were waiting and the rest of the centerpieces arrived the same time as me. Everything got set up beautifully and the men came to set up the stage just as we were finishing up. Perfect timing. 

With everything running so smoothly, I made it early to help Meredith get dressed. Luckily, that gave us plenty of time for a toast. Of course I brought mini bottles of liquor, because I have my priorities straight. (And Dwight got first dibs on the guy's choices as reward for getting Darryl to the right place at the right time. I'm not heartless. Just close.) 
We got her all ready and then it was my turn. And, man. I looked gooood. I'd found inspiration on Pinterest, and had a 20s theme. I had a blush colored silk-ish chemise and my wonderful Mama made a beautiful fitted silver skirt. An updo, dark lipstick, and a triple set of long strand pearls with a brooch accent completed the look. I do love dressing up. Okay, that's enough.

The ceremony was short and sweet, and they were wonderfully happy! Then off I rushed to check the hall again, check in with the sound guy, and meet the entertainment. It was a college male acapella group; they were really good. Fast forward to the end of the reception; I was talking to the president of the group and Meredith's dad asked if he was hitting on me. The guy said a little bit and her dad said I was single. It may have only been a split second, but I thought about not staying silent. I ended up saying that my boyfriend was just a few feet away. But I keep wondering about that split second. 

I got to chat with Dwight a bit more and see Doll again a few times before she and her family had to head home. 
I'm starting to feel that I'm coming up to a crossroads. That's scary to me. So what do you think it'll be? Do I dare turn off the straight and narrow? We shall see. 

Family Ties

Everyone loves the bunch of nuts on their family tree.

This past weekend Tee and I went to St. Louis for a hockey game. We stayed with his cousin and I was a little nervous, not knowing what to expect.  I'm really not sure what I was so worried about, it was a lot of fun. Tee and I did some stuff just the two of us, and we also spent a good amount of time hanging out with the others. It's only been more and more family since then.



A while back, (a couple years, I think) Tee's dad had a nasty type of kidney cancer. It doesn't respond to chemo or radiation, and basically the only option was to take the kidney out. He was doing really well, but at his last check they found a couple spots on his lung. Last week he went in for a biopsy and it's cancer again. So I've become kind of protective of Tee and his family. It drives me nuts that there's nothing I can do to help. There's a drug that they're going to try, but it's going to be a rough road. I know I said I wanted something to make me more sensitive and sympathetic to him, but this isn't what I meant. And now I'm stuck. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy being all concerned and hovery. Seriously. Google or Chrome or the internet or whatever it is that controls the words and spells on here REALLY needs to expand their horizons.

I was afraid to see him as I didn't know how he'd respond to this whole situation and everything. I tried to keep us kind of busy this weekend. On Friday we went out to eat with my sister and were out for a few hours. When we were in DC, we got a puzzle to put up on his wall, like an old world map, and we started that after dinner. Here are my mad puzzle skillz:

You may not think it looks like much, but you're wrong. And rude. Just sit there in your wrongness and rudeness. 

We (well, mostly me) worked on the puzzle for quite a while on Saturday too. We came back and he went to see his family, and I went home. I wasn't sure if I should offer or insist on going to support him; I tried to just make it clear that I would be happy to do whatever he needed.  Saturday night, we went out to a brewery with his brother. It turned out nicely because a friend of mine was playing that night, so there were a few people I knew. 

Sunday, I helped make some wedding favors while he stayed and hung out with my parents. I think he watched sports the whole time. Not sad I missed that. 

I was talking to a friend about relationships today and I had a revelation: Tee is like a dog and I'm like a cat. So, you know, it's not impossible, but it's a struggle. So sometimes it's like this:

   And other times it's this: 

Sad, but true. I even told a coworker about this and she gasped and said, "Oh you are like a cat, Laura!" I'm sure there's a way to get past this. Or not. As a cat trapped in a human body, I'm indifferent. I'll care when there are treats involved. 

DC

The Capital

Tee and I got back yesterday from our long weekend road trip. It started early Thursday morning; we started driving at 6 am. Well, I started driving, and I'm happy to report that I drove until about 1:30 in the afternoon. Three cheers for uppers! It also helped that I downloaded a couple of audiobooks and we started listening to In Cold Blood. Very interesting. 

We got to the hotel around 5:30 and checked in without a problem.Initially, we'd booked the hotel for 4 nights (through AAA) then decided to only do 3 nights and visit some friends (Rachel and Jacob) the last night. I tried to cancel the last night and AAA told me they couldn't do it, which we all know is complete bullshit. Boo on AAA. But when I checked in, it was all good (and ended up being a lot cheaper than I'd expected). Props to Marriott! 

There are two main things I'll say about DC, one good and one bad. First: the metro there really freaking sucks. The trains are really slow, the ticket thing is weird and confusing (albeit more environmentally conscious, I'll give them that), they were doing construction at the start of tourist season, and it was somehow dirty despite food and drink being banned. Second: Ah-maz-ing food! We had Italian, Mexican, Vietnamese, and seafood. And there was SO MUCH YUM. I love going places that have authentic, non-American-chain restaurants. 

We went to the Air and Space, Natural History, and Crime Museums. I enjoyed Air and Space to a point, Natural History would have been a lot of fun if it wasn't for all of the stupid school groups who didn't want to be there, and the Crime Museum was awesome. Also, I don't mean to brag or anything, but after this weekend I'm now an Ace Fighter Pilot AND a Top Detective. If any of you should happen to need those services I'll give you the friends and family discount. You're welcome. 

Visiting Rachel and Jacob was SO nice. I just adore those two, and they're such a good couple. They complement each other so well, and it made me a little jealous. I found myself subconsciously leaving Tee out; a lot of the time there's a feeling of him just playing follow the leader. 
Part of me keeps hoping that something will happen to jar my affection and adoration to the level that his are at. I really, truly thing I'm hopeless. 

The drive home wasn't as nice. We (I) again got up far too early. I started the drive again, but didn't make it as long. I was exhausted and irritable and I was really ready to get away by the time we made it back to Tee's house. 
I suppose it partly goes back to an email thread we had not too long ago. I think, when he can tell I'm pushing him away a little, he feels the need to tell me how amazing I am and how much he loves me. Well, at this particular time he told me he spends all day thinking about me and us...in true cold-hearted fashion, I said I hoped he was exaggerating because I didn't think that was healthy. I'm sticking with it, even if it is rude. Believe it or not, I don't want to be the center of someone's universe. 

Shake it Out

"And I am done with my graceless heart so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart"

I couldn't really think of a topic for this post, so a big thanks goes to Florence and the Machine and their amazing, cryptic lyrics. And her voice...just...ugh. If you're not familiar with them, catch up. You're seriously missing out. 

I had lunch with Sandy the other day and she asked me if Tee reads my blog. I quickly said, "God, I hope not." I know some of the stuff I say in here is pretty harsh; this is my place to put my thoughts, concerns, gripes, whatever. It's kind of like my diary. Except that...it's out there for...uh...the whole world. I guess it doesn't bother me because I have no idea who most of you are. And if Tee does read it, I guess he doesn't put too much stock into it. And I'll say it again: I do care about him, in my own semi-heartless way. 

We're taking my parents to an NHL game this weekend, and then we're getting squared away for DC. I recently read that taking a road trip with someone will tell you if you can really stand them or not. I suppose we'll find out! 


We went to the game yesterday, SO much fun! Hockey is an incredible game. One minute they're gliding along beautifully and gracefully, and the next they're beating the crap out of each other. Then when they get hurt they don't whine about it; they just want to get patched up as quickly as possible and get back in. 
So Tee is also a big hockey fan, and we root for different teams. Well, that was the game we went to, at my team's stadium. So, obviously, Tee was in the minority with his attire. My team won, cause they're awesome. Apparently that gave people license to be giant twats. Lord help me, I will never understand why people get so worked up about sports. 

As we were leaving, a couple people yelled at him about how the team sucked. I mean, really? Your team already won, let it go. But when I heard these people yell, I was the first one to say something back; I felt the need to protect him or something. 
But then I was getting really annoyed when he was complaining about the refs screwing his team. My thought was still that the game was done, get over it. What a conundrum.

So this trip could be make or break for us. Either way, you'll be some of the first to know. 

Wanderlust

Oh, the places you'll go

I'm feeling the itch again, guys. I know, we've got this DC trip planned (umm...have I mentioned that? If not, Tee and I are going to DC in a couple weeks. I think I did mention it). Anyway we have this trip planned but it feels stronger. I want to get away and do exciting things. 

I think, partly, with the adventures; I'm hoping that something will happen to pull me out of this town. It's one of the reasons I didn't want to come back after I graduated college: people move home and they get comfortable and complacent. 
Don't get me wrong, this is a great place. There's a lot of nature and beauty here...but the people are...different. I appreciate nice, expensive things. I want to look nice when I leave the house. I enjoy different cultures, art, history. Because of all that, I'm considered very high maintenance. The opening day of hunting season might as well be a holiday here. Camouflage is considered a normal staple for most people's wardrobes, and is completely acceptable as a home decor pattern.  

I know I sound like a completely judgy bitch right now. That's not my intention. You'd be surprised how much I get crap for "trying" so hard. But I don't do it for others; I do it because it makes me feel good. I also know that I was just lucky enough to be born with a nice physique. (Disclaimer: I'm not at all implying that someone must be thin or look a certain way. None of that matters; there can be beauty in anyone or anything. Warm fuzzies.) But it's really refreshing to go places where most people take pride in their appearance. 

Alright, it's getting a little preachy. Bring it back in. 
There's also the difference between visiting somewhere and actually living there. So would I get the same feeling no matter where I went? I dunno. Maybe. 
One of my friends went to Spain to teach English for a year, and I've considered doing that (but in France). 
I mentioned that to Tee the other day and he just kind of looked at me. I don't blame him. It's essentially saying "I want to move across the world and I don't really care how you feel about it." 

There's a line in Wedding Crashers where Bradley Cooper's character is talking about Rachel McAdam's character and says that she's trying to find herself or whatever. That's how I feel a lot of the time. 
So, I guess that's where I am: over here trying to find myself, or whatever.