Can You Love Your Cat TOO Much?

 Asking for a friend.

Well, here we are, friends. In the continued hellscape that is 2020, I've found my cat to be one of the few things that bring me joy. The fact that I love my cat so much is great...the fact that everything else is garbage is not. Honestly, though, how could you not love this beautiful derp?

Okay. Now that we've had a positive starter, let's get into it. Because there is A LOT to get into. 

POLITICS

Yes, politics, the endless source of anxiety and anger for every American nowadays. And, rest of the world, are you laughing at us, pitying us, or just cringing at the shitshow? Seriously, what in the actual fuck is going on? I knew that Trump wouldn't concede if he lost, but I didn't imagine it would be this bad. I mean, you guys all know that I am absolutely not a fan of him and I'm even more baffled now as to how anyone could support him. I stopped reading the news months ago because it was just more and more depressing. Scrolling through Facebook isn't much better (especially because I always make the STUPID mistake of reading the comments). And I'm worried, because what happens on January 20 if he's still refusing? What if he finds a Secretary of Defense who's willing to put the force of the military behind him? Maybe it's needless concern, but at this point I don't think you can put anything past him. And all the hullabaloo about the election being rigged or fraudulent? Come on. Voting from my home was the best thing I could do, because it gave me the chance to actually look up each candidate as I was looking at the ballot. But somehow the fact that we're in the middle of a devastating pandemic shouldn't have changed anything. Which brings me to...

COVID

I'm not even sure I can accurately express my feelings on this one. But mostly, those feelings are terror and frustration. I worked in a hospital at the beginning of this, and during the first set of lockdowns. I listened to the doctors and nurses talk about what was happening to the COVID patients. I saw them get rundown by all the PPE, by the amount of time trying to get everything possible done in one room (and other patients needing them while being stuck in that room), by the fear of catching the virus and taking it home to their families, by the frustration of staffing shortages and constantly changing policies. And I saw the strain on resources: shortages of PPE and cleaning products, reducing some rooms from two patients to one, attempting to consolidate COVID patients to specific units or areas, and low morale. 

I realize when you talk about lockdowns, it becomes political. What I don't understand is the aversion (really, toddler-like tantrums) to mask wearing and social distancing. It's so hard that the lockdown option (hopefully) saves lives and the hospitals, but it trashes the economy and the businesses that get shut down. I try to be understanding to the people making these decisions because I don't think there is a good option right now. 

MY MISERY

On top of the COVID frustrations that everyone is feeling, I have an extra layer with my autoimmune disease. Any time I leave the house (which for months has only to go grocery shopping or get takeout), have severe anxiety. I don't want to be near anyone. I miss my family but I'm afraid to visit. The only jobs I'm looking at (which is a whole other thing) are work from home. And I just wish there was something that would help ease it all. I want to work out till I feel better. Eat until I feel better. Shop until I feel better. Draw until I feel better. Bake until I feel better. Sleep until I feel better. Just SOMETHING, until I feel better. I even considered stopping my infusions that suppress my immune system; I'm not even sure if it would make a difference, and my body just gets too bad to stop. Then you see all these people basically saying your life is expendable to save the economy and a more convenient way of life, and it's pretty disheartening. It's a hard position to be in. 

The extra (extra extra?) layer of concern to this year was moving. Each time we've moved (and I may have written about this already), I lose all self confidence. That's not ideal for job-searching. The first issue is I blank on what I want to do. What kind of job would I like? What's going to give me a sense of purpose? Have I ever enjoyed doing anything? Then, when I come up with something that might be good, I look at job descriptions and feel like I'm completely useless, that I have no skills, and that nobody should ever hire me to do anything. Which, of course, I logically know isn't true. Unfortunately logic doesn't help much in this case. 

Harumph. I'm now trying to come up with a somewhat positive way to end this. I guess the positive side is that Soldier is very supportive (in his weird way). He gets the brunt of my frustrations and anger and patiently accepts my apologies for the mood swings. He doesn't put pressure on me to start working again. He goes along with every meal, bake, or hobby I want to try. 

With all that, it seems that maybe thigs aren't so awful after all. 

196 Books: The Gambia

 Reading the Ceiling by Dayo Forster

The Gambia is this little sliver inside Senegal (what's with Africa putting countries inside other countries?)

Here's the summary:

Ayodele has just turned eighteen and has decided, having now reached womanhood, that the time is right to lose her virginity. She's drawn up a shortlist: Reuben, the failsafe; Yuan, a long-admired schoolfriend; Frederick Adams, the 42-year-old, soon-to-be-pot-bellied father of her best friend. What she doesn't know is that her choice of suitor will have a drastic effect on the rest of her life. Three men. Three paths. One will send Ayodele to Europe, to university and to a very different life - but it will be a voyage strewn with heartache. Another will send her around the globe on an epic journey, transforming her beyond recognition but at the cost of an almost unbearable loss. And another will see her remain in Africa, a wife and mother caught in a polygamous marriage. Each will change her irrevocably - but which will she choose?

Oh my word. I was really excited at the prospect of this story, and it absolutely did not disappoint! Firstly I loved the idea that this girl has come at sex in such a pragmatic way. She's taking control of her body and life, despite what she's told is proper (it's set in the 80s, so of course women's most important attribute is their virginity...severe eye roll.) 

The other part I was excited about was that each choice gives her a different life. And the book was set up that way--each option had its own section that described how her life went. And isn't that such an interesting thought--if I'd done this or that differently, would it have changed how my life is now?

Lastly, the book made me feel SO MANY THINGS. In one of the sections, (SPOILER) she dates the person she had sex with and he ends up dying. She is so consumed in her grief that it broke my heart, and I had to put the book away. I know that if something happened to Soldier, I would be absolutely d.e.v.a.s.t.a.t.e.d. That was hard to type. But yeah, she takes a long time to get back to "okay" and has a quandary: she can't stay where she is because that's where they lived together, and she can't go home because there are too many memories. I've thought of what I would do in that situation, and it's true, you would almost have to go somewhere completely different to start a completely new life. 

I want to go over a couple of passages that really resonated with me. 

"I must have chosen this path in little steps, I have been so afraid of the harm I could do to a single other person. Harm was done to me too. Is that how it goes? The hurt yo-yoing from person to person until it loses its bounces and then stays in that last person-still and immovable." You hear it over and over: "hurt people hurt people." But this is such a thoughtful way of describing it. In this case she kind of shuts herself off from other people getting close, but in many other cases harm is intentionally (or unknowingly; the person thinking it's normal) done to others. 

"This constant following of the perfect life leads to wants that cannot be satisfied, like a mamiwata (mermaid) longing for life with legs on land, when all of the ocean is open to her, free to swim in, free to claim." I've felt this more or less over the years, but it's so strong now. I flounder each time we move, not knowing what to do with myself and my life. Especially now with covid running rampant and being afraid to leave the house. And, I dunno, most of the time it feels like if I could just get a specific thing, go to a specific place, or achieve something specific, then I'd be good. It's the perpetual striving for more. Anyway, once you get that thing, guess what? Nothing's different. Well now it got depressing again. 

Anyway (do I always start my closing with "anyway"?) this was a really great book. It was almost like 3 stories in one, with the same cast of characters and tone. I'm glad it was so good, because DiploSister's last residence was in The Gambia so it held a bit of a special place. Ok. Onward and upward!

196 Books: Gabon

 Between Man and Beast by Monte Reel

Gabon is in Africa:

And here's the summary:

In 1856, Paul Du Chaillu ventured into the African jungle in search of a mythic beast, the gorilla. After wild encounters with vicious cannibals, deadly snakes, and tribal kings, Du Chaillu emerged with 20 preserved gorilla skins—two of which were stuffed and brought on tour—and walked smack dab into the biggest scientific debate of the time: Darwin's theory of evolution. Quickly, Du Chaillu's trophies went from objects of wonder to key pieces in an all-out intellectual war. With a wide range of characters, including Abraham Lincoln, Arthur Conan Doyle, P.T Barnum, Thackeray, and of course, Charles Darwin, this is a one of a kind book about a singular moment in history.

The most important part (for my purposes) about this book, and a bit of a bummer, was that most of it was not set in Gabon. I imagined there would be large descriptions of his time in the jungle. Of course, that was in there, but it was more about the man and the scientific debate. 

However, that didn't make it less interesting. The one thing that stands the test of time? People suck. Just overall. You had Du Chaillu, who was killing and stuffing animals right and left for the sake of science, other adventurers and explorers who wanted to undermine Du Chaillu to prop themselves up, and of course the HUGE amount of people who believed that people of color were "less than." This actually came into play as Du Chaillu's heritage was questioned (it turns out he was half African, half French, but he never 'fessed up to it). There was also classism and just a whole bunch of egotistical jerks. Not to mention the religious zealots. Apparently they decided that the day of creation "occurred on October 22 in 4004 B.C." So...is that the creation of man, or just creation in general? Because if it's general, I'm curious what was going on for the 4000 years before that. 

But it's sad, really. This guy decided he was going to explore in the interior of Africa and discovered all this new stuff. So many people didn't want to believe he'd really done it, or that he was exaggerating, and didn't want to accept his incredible findings. Then when he decided to go back and prove it, the natives turned on him (understandably really, he accidentally brought smallpox). I wonder what it would be like to explore an area completely untouched by modern civilization. Terrifying and amazing. Can you tell I'm sorely missing travel and adventure? 

Du Chaillu wrote a book about his exploration, and I almost wish I'd read that one instead. Maybe someday. Until I can go places again, maybe I'll do some of those virtual museum tours.