Can You Love Your Cat TOO Much?

 Asking for a friend.

Well, here we are, friends. In the continued hellscape that is 2020, I've found my cat to be one of the few things that bring me joy. The fact that I love my cat so much is great...the fact that everything else is garbage is not. Honestly, though, how could you not love this beautiful derp?

Okay. Now that we've had a positive starter, let's get into it. Because there is A LOT to get into. 

POLITICS

Yes, politics, the endless source of anxiety and anger for every American nowadays. And, rest of the world, are you laughing at us, pitying us, or just cringing at the shitshow? Seriously, what in the actual fuck is going on? I knew that Trump wouldn't concede if he lost, but I didn't imagine it would be this bad. I mean, you guys all know that I am absolutely not a fan of him and I'm even more baffled now as to how anyone could support him. I stopped reading the news months ago because it was just more and more depressing. Scrolling through Facebook isn't much better (especially because I always make the STUPID mistake of reading the comments). And I'm worried, because what happens on January 20 if he's still refusing? What if he finds a Secretary of Defense who's willing to put the force of the military behind him? Maybe it's needless concern, but at this point I don't think you can put anything past him. And all the hullabaloo about the election being rigged or fraudulent? Come on. Voting from my home was the best thing I could do, because it gave me the chance to actually look up each candidate as I was looking at the ballot. But somehow the fact that we're in the middle of a devastating pandemic shouldn't have changed anything. Which brings me to...

COVID

I'm not even sure I can accurately express my feelings on this one. But mostly, those feelings are terror and frustration. I worked in a hospital at the beginning of this, and during the first set of lockdowns. I listened to the doctors and nurses talk about what was happening to the COVID patients. I saw them get rundown by all the PPE, by the amount of time trying to get everything possible done in one room (and other patients needing them while being stuck in that room), by the fear of catching the virus and taking it home to their families, by the frustration of staffing shortages and constantly changing policies. And I saw the strain on resources: shortages of PPE and cleaning products, reducing some rooms from two patients to one, attempting to consolidate COVID patients to specific units or areas, and low morale. 

I realize when you talk about lockdowns, it becomes political. What I don't understand is the aversion (really, toddler-like tantrums) to mask wearing and social distancing. It's so hard that the lockdown option (hopefully) saves lives and the hospitals, but it trashes the economy and the businesses that get shut down. I try to be understanding to the people making these decisions because I don't think there is a good option right now. 

MY MISERY

On top of the COVID frustrations that everyone is feeling, I have an extra layer with my autoimmune disease. Any time I leave the house (which for months has only to go grocery shopping or get takeout), have severe anxiety. I don't want to be near anyone. I miss my family but I'm afraid to visit. The only jobs I'm looking at (which is a whole other thing) are work from home. And I just wish there was something that would help ease it all. I want to work out till I feel better. Eat until I feel better. Shop until I feel better. Draw until I feel better. Bake until I feel better. Sleep until I feel better. Just SOMETHING, until I feel better. I even considered stopping my infusions that suppress my immune system; I'm not even sure if it would make a difference, and my body just gets too bad to stop. Then you see all these people basically saying your life is expendable to save the economy and a more convenient way of life, and it's pretty disheartening. It's a hard position to be in. 

The extra (extra extra?) layer of concern to this year was moving. Each time we've moved (and I may have written about this already), I lose all self confidence. That's not ideal for job-searching. The first issue is I blank on what I want to do. What kind of job would I like? What's going to give me a sense of purpose? Have I ever enjoyed doing anything? Then, when I come up with something that might be good, I look at job descriptions and feel like I'm completely useless, that I have no skills, and that nobody should ever hire me to do anything. Which, of course, I logically know isn't true. Unfortunately logic doesn't help much in this case. 

Harumph. I'm now trying to come up with a somewhat positive way to end this. I guess the positive side is that Soldier is very supportive (in his weird way). He gets the brunt of my frustrations and anger and patiently accepts my apologies for the mood swings. He doesn't put pressure on me to start working again. He goes along with every meal, bake, or hobby I want to try. 

With all that, it seems that maybe thigs aren't so awful after all.