Resolutions

I resolve to be more resolute.

I don't really believe in resolutions, I think I've mentioned that. I've never made good ones, and I've never kept them. But last year I decided to make myself a couple of promises: to travel, and to learn. I kept them both, and I've gotten pretty obsessed with finding new things to learn. I want to know so much stuff. 

This year, I want to stick with that idea, but it's getting cheesier. Are you ready? You've been warned. My promise to me this year (my promolution?) is to live. I mean, to really live. 
I want to appreciate every day, even the really shitty ones. Basically, I want to make this chick proud of me:

Spoiler alert: that chick is me. Whaaaa?! 

Of course there's partly a reason for this. I mean I've been trying to live more since the whole thing where my body decided to have a mind of its own, and that mind wanted to mutiny. Psh, screw that. I whipped it right back into shape! You know...after lots of tests, and meds, and surgery...but it learned who was boss! And then it didn't, and then it did, and then it didn't, and then it did...well you know. 

I had my latest appointment on Christmas Eve. Why did I think that was a good idea? Knowing I would have to stand for a long time singing at Mass that night? And that it would take all of my energy? Lord only knows. Ok, it was mostly because that was the first option to get back in to see them. I saw the PA again, which was good and bad...he's not as personable as the rhuematologist, but he knows his stuff too.

Well, the first comment was that the meds obviously aren't working. It's basically been every day waking up and wondering to what degree my knees will swell, and how sick I'll feel. So it really wasn't a surprise that the meds aren't working. We also talked about how the Prednisone (a steroid) only kind of worked. He said there's only about 5% of the population that doesn't respond to it. Go figure. 

The part I wasn't ready for was when he told me what the next treatment option would be: chemo. The biggest concern medically is my age; if I were to get pregnant, there would be birth defects. And if I wanted to get pregnant, there would be a 90 day period I'd have to be off treatment before it would be safe to try. Then it would be at least a year off treatment. Granted, a baby isn't exactly in my plans right now, but it's something I would like. Now I have to wonder if it's a possibility. 

We decided the best mode of treatment at the time was to drain my knee again (fucking OW) and shoot some more Cortisone into it. For some reason those steroids work. It's been doing okay so far. Which is also good and bad. It's nice to have (almost) full use of my legs again, but I've kind of resigned myself to chemo and that part of me just wants to get it started. 

So, there you have it. The changes I made all those months ago have stuck. Thanks for coming along on the journey, give yourself a hug from me. 

The Phantom of the Wedding Part Deux

"I remain...your obedient servant."

Meredith's wedding shower and bachelorette party are this coming weekend. I'm already bracing myself. Actually, I think I've been bracing myself since the invitations came. Even more so because our relationship has changed in the last few months. I haven't seen her since Tee and I went wine tasting with her and Dwight, and even when we talk, it's because I initiate the conversation. The conversations seem to go fine, and she even mentioned during the last one getting together to craft some things for the wedding, but I haven't heard from her since. 

I'm not dumb though; it's entirely possible that I said or did something that upset her. My "role" in the wedding still stings. I keep trying to remind myself that it's her wedding and I have no right to expect or be upset about my involvement, but hurt and jealousy are hard feelings to rein in. Although, that's still no excuse for being a big jerk.

I've decided that weddings are terrible things. Too many times they ruin relationships, leave people in debt, and turn nice, rational girls into obsessive bridezillas. And with all that, half of them still end in divorce. And what do they end up with? Beautiful pictures, full of people in expensive dresses, painted and coiffed to the bride's liking, who've been manipulated the whole time. 
Of course that's a gross generalization, and it definitely doesn't happen every time; I'm not at all trying to call Meredith a bridezilla. But it happens a lot. And it's sad to me.

I'm irritated that I'm irritated about it. And I don't know whether I should go and put on a brave face or just say screw it to the whole thing, she obviously doesn't give a shit. She's got her new best friends who are clearly much better than me. 
Ugh. I know, I sound bitter. I guess I am a little bit. I'm afraid I'm going to end up the bitter old hag who hates everyone and everything, and can't keep any friends around. Okay, wallowing in self-pity now. 

I always second-guess myself, and I always wonder if I'm making too much of things, if I'm being ridiculous or bitchy...but I really, really don't know what to make of this situation. I'm also a bit terrified to go to this thing where I won't know anyone, and I know I'll just kind of feel like a pariah. Meredith knows everyone, and even when we used to hang out just the two of us, I always felt like an idiot with her random friends and acquaintances that always showed up. So the thought of an entire day of that makes me want to huddle up in a corner and sob. 
But it's not about me, right? I'll just go back to being the Phantom of the Wedding. 

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas

Until you have to call your bank.

The weekend of the 12th was the birthday trip to Vegas. I have to say, it was one of the better birthdays. But if you read the highlights I put up last year, they weren't hard to top. 

We stayed at the Venetian, which was gorgeous, and it wasn't weird to have a room with his brother. We actually had a lot of fun. Normal, clean fun. No freaky stuff going on there.
Birthday dinner was at Mon Ami Gabi in Paris. I'd told Tee I wanted a French dinner, and asked him to make the arrangements and surprise me. It was really good, and I got a surprise birthday cream puff with a candle in it. On a bad note, I could feel blisters forming before we even got to the restaurant. But hey, we got a few catcalls about how good I looked, so I guess it was worth it. And the food was great. We had paté for an appetizer, and for entrees I had trout and he had steak. We were discussing dessert when Tee mentioned it was my birthday, so the waiter said he had a surprise. We ended up with (ordered) chocolate mousse, and a surprise cream puff with a candle. We couldn't finish either one, but they were both fantastic. 

Our adventure next took us to the Chandelier inside the Cosmopolitan. Guys. Guys. It was soooo coooool. I was inside the sparkles! I imagine a really awesome dressing room like that. Plus, they have this drink called the Verbena. It's trippy. The drink is kind of like a margarita, but tastes a bit like lemonade. It also comes with a Sichuan flower, which you eat after trying the drink. That's when it gets weird. Your mouth gets numb and tingly, and the drink tastes completely different. I wasn't even able to describe what it tasted like afterwards, but it was definitely an experience. We had 2, and then the fun kind of wore off. That was about enough, as I couldn't even walk back to the hotel, and took my shoes off as soon as we were inside. Gross, sure, but so were the horrific blisters. Especially the one that created the blister on the blister. Blister-ception! Gross.

Let's see. Oh. Saturday we had to go shopping, because I obviously couldn't wear heels again. And shop I did. So much so, that my card got declined. I've never had an issue in the US, and I was able to just switch it to debit, but I decided I better call the bank. I always have good experiences with the customer service people from the bank, and this time was no different. 
He asked if the last purchase I made was at Victoria's Secret, I affirmed, and he kept saying he wasn't judging, then said "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!" To which I replied "yeah, until you have to call your bank!" Tee-hee, I'm so clever!
We went back out for more shopping; Tee is such a trooper! Even when I got tired cranky and couldn't find shoes that I wanted, he was patient and sweet.

We got all our shopping done and went to see Zarkana that night. It was amazing, just like the other Cirque shows I've seen. We were also 3 rows from the stage, so that was definitely a plus. The things those people can do are ridiculous!

The next day I did some outlet shopping with the girls, and then we had one last drunken evening, but ended pretty early. I just can't party like I used to, but I guess that's okay. 

It was a great birthday, and a great trip. Course I needed a vacation post-vacation. Viva Las Vegas! 

Open the Wound

"Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."

Soldier sent me a message on the facebook last night. It was quite innocent--he wanted to order a Christmas gift for his mom and thought I might have a better idea of what size he should get. It was surprisingly difficult to find a size chart, so we chatted while I looked. (On that subject...what the heck? Why do some places make it so difficult for you to give them your money?! Jerks.) 
Eventually we both gave up and picked the best option, but we kept chatting. I let him know that I had gotten a book for his new nephew and would like him to pass it along, and take credit for it. He said he objected to that idea on the moral grounds that he didn't want to lie and say the book was from him when it was from me. 

En garde. 

At this point it kind of turned into a verbal fencing match. Not that I've ever seen a really fencing match. Do they even call them matches? Also, it wasn't verbal, it was written. Typed. Man, this is a really terrible analogy. I actually only want to be able to use some fencing terms, so just go with it. On a semi-unrelated note, I think I'd like to learn how to fence. How much fun would that be?! And I did indeed look up fencing terms for this sole purpose. There are a lot of them! Forgive me if I use them incorrectly. I'm just trying to be a cool kid. I think I'm doing it wrong.

So my first attaque was telling him that I had no tie anymore to the nephew or parents, that I didn't want to be the weird ex that won't go away. His dérobement was that I was a nice person and they'd appreciate it. He went on to say I could come to the family Christmas party and give it to them myself and, for the contre-attaque he told me that Tee could come to. Shit, there are way too many fencing terms and stuff I don't understand. 
Soldier then pulled a changement de rythme and started asking about Tee, and our relationship, while giving an excuse about making small talk. I told him Tee is still wonderful. He attempted a remise by asking if Tee wants kids. This should have resulted in a carton rouge for him. My esquive was simply to say that I didn't know, hoping he'd drop it. He continued his attaque, saying that I should find out, because I want kids. Then he wanted to know why I haven't asked. I finally made my contre-attaque by saying the last time I focused too much on the future it went quite badly. 

It kind of fell apart after that. He once again apologized for the way things went, and I reminded him that we both made mistakes. He denied that, and said I was perfect; a vast change from what he'd said before. Somewhere in this he also admitted that he was enjoying some wine. Knowing he was drunk and lonely, I tried to keep the conversation civil and platonic. 
He paid me some more compliments, peppered with admissions that he was drunk and probably should go to bed. Eventually I took the initiative and cut the conversation. 

So what's this new attitude? Maybe he's just looking for a fuck buddy. (Sorry, Mom, I know you're probably cringing right now. But to be fair I did tell you that you probably shouldn't read the bloggy-blog). But what if it's more than that, and the guy I haven't been able to get out of my heart has finally seen the error of his ways? 
Don't worry, I'm not about to break things off with Tee to find out. Thankfully I'm not that stupid. But it is cruel the way the world works. I do feel for him though, and I'm having a tough time with it. Besides, I know that this is a shitty time to be alone. It is interesting though...no matter what they say, they always come back. 

The Giving of the Thanks

Counting your blessings one at a time

Wow, it has certainly been a CRAZY year. Hopefully I can't cram too much excitement in one more month. 

I've probably already mentioned this, but Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's all about family and spending time together and appreciating what you have...and massive amounts of delicious food. 
Let's reminisce. There were a lot of really good things that happened this year. But there were also a lot of really bad things that happened too. I try to focus on the positive and be upbeat, but it's hard to leave behind all that shittiness. There are lots of times when it really consumes my thoughts. I'm sure it gets annoying to hear about, but it also gets annoying to live. I think the good overall outweighs it, even when things are tough. So, let's go through it, in no particular order.

1. My health, within reason, is okay. 
I still have frequent flare-ups, but I'm able to handle them. I also have decent healthcare (for the US) and great doctors who really care about how I'm doing. I'm also kind of getting used to my portable pharmacy. 

2. I have some really great friends, even if I don't get to see them as much as I'd like. 
Last weekend we went to Sandy and Danny's house to celebrate her birthday. It was just a small-ish party at their house, but it was really nice. I love that this group of people, many of whom have known each other for years and years, welcomed us with open arms. That can be hard to come by in this area. And with all the events we've been able to attend with them, I've really come to care for the whole group. I'll also get to see one of my very good friends pretty soon, which is always great. We've known each other for a very long time and we always just pick up where we left off.

3. My job. 
We've very recently had some layoffs, which isn't totally surprising in the public service sector. Our higher-ups are very good about being open with what's going on, so we knew it was a possibility. My way of dealing with that sort of thing is just to do my job to the best of my ability, to try and pretend it's not happening, and to take things as they come. I'll admit that I did get scared for a while at the prospect of figuring out health insurance, and what I would do to find a new job. I have, however, escaped the layoffs (at least for now). It's a bittersweet feeling--you're so glad to still be employed in a place you love, but it's honestly sad and heartbreaking to see some great people go. For now, I'm very happy that I get to stick with something I truly enjoy...you know, until trophy wifedom comes along.

4. I might have a crazy family, but I kinda like them. 
My 12 year old niece came to visit for Thanksgiving, and we had a really great week with her. No matter how old she gets, she will always be my Little Princess. We've also been getting to see my 3 and 4 year old nephew and niece (respectively). That's been nice, even if things are still a little weird with my brother and his wife. The world-travelling branch of our family will also be home soon, which I couldn't be happier about! And my parents are just as supportive as they've always been. (Hiiiiii Mum!)

5. Introspection, and the truth.
I don't think it's any surprise that I don't see myself as others do, and I've always prided myself on recognizing and trying to work on my flaws. In looking back at previous posts, I don't see where I noted a semi-recent conversation with Soldier. He's the kind of guy that will ignore problems and pretend everything is great, but he was apparently doing some introspection of his own. He remarked that Tee seems to be a much better boyfriend than he'd been. He took full responsibility for our failed relationship, even when I tried to say I'd made mistakes. Everyone has their self-fulfilling prophecy, and he fell victim to his. I don't even remember what it was. But when I tried to rebut and say that I'd done things wrong and hadn't been the best girlfriend either, he refused to agree and just told me I'm too hard on myself. 
Instead of feeling vindicated, it made me sad. Soldier has his faults, but he is a good guy, he means well, and I still care for him very much. While I do still thing it's good to recognize your flaws, and I'm glad I've gotten to know myself so well this year, I suppose I need to even take myself with a grain of salt. 

6. My guy is incredible.
We all know I can get easily irritated, I'm a slightly demanding perfectionist, and I don't always play well with others. But Tee continues to amaze me. He's so caring, patient, and thoughtful. Sometimes I don't know how or why he continues to put up with me, but he just persists in being fantastic. His mom doesn't seem to share his lovey view of me, so I'll just appreciate him all the more. 

7. The travelling and wonderful experiences I've had this year.
All of the discovering has given me a new thirst for more discovering--to see different places, experience new cultures, and try new things. And I'm so glad for all of it! I'm so glad that I've finally branched out and am enjoying what the world has to offer.

8. Freedom.
Okay, I know I've been getting on 'Murica lately. But I appreciate where I live and all the freedoms I have. For one thing, I can have this blog and not worry about getting in a whole lot of trouble or be careful about what I say. I live in a good area, I don't wonder when or what my next meal will be, and I don't have a huge concern about being caught in the middle of unwarranted violence. It could all happen, I know, anyone's world could come crumbling down around them any day. (Pleasant thought, huh?). So I enjoy and appreciate what I have. At least I try to. Again, until trophy-wifedom. 

And thanks to all of you, my little chickadees, for reading about my silly life. I absolutely love checking in and seeing what parts of the world I'm reaching. It fascinates me. Here comes the mushiness! Even though I don't know most of you, I'm thankful for you. I'm glad you care (or at least get some amusement) about what happens to me, and I (dare I say it!?) love you for that. It's okay...get all warm and fuzzy inside. 

The purpose of this post was gratefulness, but don't worry...the bitch will be back soon ;)

Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll

And the right to bear arms

Warning! This post will be highly opinionated and may piss some people off. But, I suppose that could be said for all of them. Score one for freedom of speech!

This week I walked into the middle of a conversation where a coworker was trying to find a loophole on how they could bring their gun to work (obviously with the legal conceal and carry permit). I was a taken aback and asked why that would be such a concern. It was because, you know, if you leave work and it's dark and you're alone in the parking lot, if someone tries something....

I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of shocked. Why is this your first instinct? Maybe pepper spray? A little pocket knife? Adrenaline and brute strength? I found it...interesting...that it would jump straight to the instrument that could instantly take a life. 

Now now, all you gun advocates, don't get all up in arms (hehe). I'm all for hunting (when the animal actually gets used, not like lions and elephants and stuff. And especially not giraffes. Do people actually do that? I love giraffes.) It just seems like, protection-wise, there are some other options. And maybe I'm a little torn on this. It seems, not necessarily okay, but maybe more justifiable, to use a gun if someone breaks into your house or something. 

Okay. Maybe I can collect my thoughts and give halfway a sane-sounding description here. I'm sure I've said it before, but the world today scares me. There's so much violence and evil. And I get the freedom and all that, but it doesn't seem like the best conclusion, in my opinion, to make them more available. It seems like in the US there's another school shooting every other week. So, sure, I can see the argument that giving the "right" people guns is a solution. But even the "right" people misjudge, get paranoid, shoot first and ask questions later. Then it's just more death. 

You get the people who say that making guns illegal won't stop people from getting them. Alright, fair, that's a semi-valid argument. Heroine is illegal, but there are people who still find it and do it. It's safe to assume that some determined people would find and use guns as well. In cases of angered shooting, however, I have to guess that a person would have time to cool off if they had to try and find a gun. There are some states where people can instantly get a gun...no background check, no mental health assessment, no wait period, no questions at all. That seems irresponsible.

Then you have "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, technically true. But if I'm an angry person with a knife, I can kill a lot fewer people than if I'm an angry person with a gun. And it's a lot easier for someone to intervene than if I'm shooting off an assault rifle into a crowd.

Oh, there's another issue. Wtf reason does the average person have to own an assault weapon? Nooone. Most of us don't live somewhere that has a valid threat of an attacking bear. 

Clearly, the good ole U.S. of A is disappointing me lately. But we did just have an election, which is always a little depressing. I voted, and I felt it was my responsibility and right, but it really doesn't mean anything anymore. So many people don't seem to want to think of the greater good, or the long-term consequences or solutions. 

Why can't we all just get along?

The Feels

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better."

Sometimes I worry about what I write; if I'm going to offend anyone. I suppose in today's world it could come back to bite me. But this quote is right: they're my stories and I have the right to share them. 



Anyway, the day I've been dreading is here: I have the feels. It sounds like a disease, doesn't it? Ick, that's what it seems like. They snuck up on me, and they're gross. I'm not equipped to deal with these things anymore. 

Tee and I had a couple of Halloween parties to go to this year. A couple weekends ago, we made the hour-ish trip to visit Sandy and the rest of that group. We dressed up as a ventriloquist and his...ahem...doll. He was such a good sport; he even let me put eyeliner on him. And we had fun. We all went out to a bar, then back to somebody's house for a while. And we all had a good time; no drama, no issues. And we looked fantastic. Of course. After a nice drunken night, we slept for a while at Sandy and Danny's house (unfortunately, Danny was out of town for work) and went back to Tee's house the next day, quite hungover. But, thankfully for me, he drove, so I just had to kind of keep me company.

I've started to miss Tee more and more. Which is distressing, for me. We live about an hour away from each other, so we don't get to hang out as much as either of us would like. But I've begun to get so sad during the evenings when I don't get to see him, especially when I'm extra tired. If you remember, I have narcolepsy, so I'm extra tired kind of regularly. All of these feels are a little overwhelming and distressing. 

Crap, I waited too long to write, and now I can't even really remember what's been going on in my silly life. 

This past weekend, we had another Halloween party. I was super excited to have 3 costumes this year, which meant I got to do 3 different makeup looks. For work I went as a super-cute (work-appropriate, which is more than I can say for some others) peacock, and then for on Saturday, Tee and I went as Mary Poppins and Bert. The poor guy had to put up with me pouting the entire drive to the party because I didn't look as cute as I'd wanted to. The skirt I got was a little big so it sat more on my hips rather than my waist, and it just wasn't what I envisioned. #HighMaintenanceProblems. 
I suppose I should point out at this time that I hate hashtags and only use them ironically or to poke fun at myself. Cuz I'm cool like that. 
But the party turned out to be a lot of fun. My dad got super trashed, and he was a silly, obnoxious old drunk guy. It was great, because he's usually so well mannered and responsible. 

So, I'm not sure if I ever explained that Tee is the nephew of my parent's best friends. My parents have been going to this party for the past few years, and this is my first. So I'd heard of most of these people, but hadn't necessarily met them. 
One such family was a couple that adopted two children from Russia. My mom kept telling me how gorgeous they were, and she didn't oversell it. A ways into the party, for some reason, the younger girl (I'll just say between 5 and 10) decided that she really liked me. She sat on my lap and we read together and she made me a little finger-knit scarf. It was so touching, especially once everyone started saying that she doesn't normally attach to people that way. The parents joked about me staying with the kids so they could go to Vegas for a weekend, and I told them that I absolutely would do that. 

It reminded me of the good stuff; I've been so disappointed in the way the world is going, and people in general lately. I think I'll end this one there. Sometimes kids have more to teach adults than the other way around; they're so innocent. 

Oh for goodness sake...I think I just got inspirational or something. SEE?! THE FEELS! They're taking over and I don't like it one bit. What is Tee turning me into?