"I remain...your obedient servant."
Meredith's wedding shower and bachelorette party are this coming weekend. I'm already bracing myself. Actually, I think I've been bracing myself since the invitations came. Even more so because our relationship has changed in the last few months. I haven't seen her since Tee and I went wine tasting with her and Dwight, and even when we talk, it's because I initiate the conversation. The conversations seem to go fine, and she even mentioned during the last one getting together to craft some things for the wedding, but I haven't heard from her since.
I'm not dumb though; it's entirely possible that I said or did something that upset her. My "role" in the wedding still stings. I keep trying to remind myself that it's her wedding and I have no right to expect or be upset about my involvement, but hurt and jealousy are hard feelings to rein in. Although, that's still no excuse for being a big jerk.
I've decided that weddings are terrible things. Too many times they ruin relationships, leave people in debt, and turn nice, rational girls into obsessive bridezillas. And with all that, half of them still end in divorce. And what do they end up with? Beautiful pictures, full of people in expensive dresses, painted and coiffed to the bride's liking, who've been manipulated the whole time.
Of course that's a gross generalization, and it definitely doesn't happen every time; I'm not at all trying to call Meredith a bridezilla. But it happens a lot. And it's sad to me.
I'm irritated that I'm irritated about it. And I don't know whether I should go and put on a brave face or just say screw it to the whole thing, she obviously doesn't give a shit. She's got her new best friends who are clearly much better than me.
Ugh. I know, I sound bitter. I guess I am a little bit. I'm afraid I'm going to end up the bitter old hag who hates everyone and everything, and can't keep any friends around. Okay, wallowing in self-pity now.
I always second-guess myself, and I always wonder if I'm making too much of things, if I'm being ridiculous or bitchy...but I really, really don't know what to make of this situation. I'm also a bit terrified to go to this thing where I won't know anyone, and I know I'll just kind of feel like a pariah. Meredith knows everyone, and even when we used to hang out just the two of us, I always felt like an idiot with her random friends and acquaintances that always showed up. So the thought of an entire day of that makes me want to huddle up in a corner and sob.
But it's not about me, right? I'll just go back to being the Phantom of the Wedding.
I was the MoH with a Bridezilla from hell and it ruined our relationship permanently. Sometimes, I wonder if I should have stepped down from the role and taken a back seat when I saw things were going south for our relationship. Would that have been a wound we could have recovered from? Was it really a friendship that was worth saving, if at any point in our time together we felt so much the inability to talk about things and the ability to put ourselves 100% first. I don't miss her. But I wish things had gone differently and that I had not felt afraid to tell her that I wasn't going to be a part of her shit show. I felt like I would let her down and ruin what we had if I stepped down. But in reality, everything ended up being way worse and I have to questions my own actions as much as hers.
ReplyDeleteWell, I read the emails between you two and your situation was much worse. I keep trying because I don't want to look back and feel like i ruined the friendship, but it feels like it's getting kind of pointless.
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