Resolutions

I resolve to be more resolute.

I don't really believe in resolutions, I think I've mentioned that. I've never made good ones, and I've never kept them. But last year I decided to make myself a couple of promises: to travel, and to learn. I kept them both, and I've gotten pretty obsessed with finding new things to learn. I want to know so much stuff. 

This year, I want to stick with that idea, but it's getting cheesier. Are you ready? You've been warned. My promise to me this year (my promolution?) is to live. I mean, to really live. 
I want to appreciate every day, even the really shitty ones. Basically, I want to make this chick proud of me:

Spoiler alert: that chick is me. Whaaaa?! 

Of course there's partly a reason for this. I mean I've been trying to live more since the whole thing where my body decided to have a mind of its own, and that mind wanted to mutiny. Psh, screw that. I whipped it right back into shape! You know...after lots of tests, and meds, and surgery...but it learned who was boss! And then it didn't, and then it did, and then it didn't, and then it did...well you know. 

I had my latest appointment on Christmas Eve. Why did I think that was a good idea? Knowing I would have to stand for a long time singing at Mass that night? And that it would take all of my energy? Lord only knows. Ok, it was mostly because that was the first option to get back in to see them. I saw the PA again, which was good and bad...he's not as personable as the rhuematologist, but he knows his stuff too.

Well, the first comment was that the meds obviously aren't working. It's basically been every day waking up and wondering to what degree my knees will swell, and how sick I'll feel. So it really wasn't a surprise that the meds aren't working. We also talked about how the Prednisone (a steroid) only kind of worked. He said there's only about 5% of the population that doesn't respond to it. Go figure. 

The part I wasn't ready for was when he told me what the next treatment option would be: chemo. The biggest concern medically is my age; if I were to get pregnant, there would be birth defects. And if I wanted to get pregnant, there would be a 90 day period I'd have to be off treatment before it would be safe to try. Then it would be at least a year off treatment. Granted, a baby isn't exactly in my plans right now, but it's something I would like. Now I have to wonder if it's a possibility. 

We decided the best mode of treatment at the time was to drain my knee again (fucking OW) and shoot some more Cortisone into it. For some reason those steroids work. It's been doing okay so far. Which is also good and bad. It's nice to have (almost) full use of my legs again, but I've kind of resigned myself to chemo and that part of me just wants to get it started. 

So, there you have it. The changes I made all those months ago have stuck. Thanks for coming along on the journey, give yourself a hug from me.