Separation

Anxiety.

Soldier left for Alaska on the 1st. It feels like SO much longer.

I knew it would be difficult, so I tried to plan it out and prep myself. I took the day off work and, to not sit around and be sad, made an appointment to try on wedding dresses (squee!).
I showed up at his house and chatted with him a bit while he got ready, and I was doing very well. I kept doing very well right up until his dad got choked up. I can't stay stoic against a strong, confident, successful man breaking down. But, it was just a little tearing up, and then I was okay again. And then he was gone; he drove off and I went home. I was alright.

I got ready and headed out to try on dresses with ma mère. It was fantastic. There was nobody else there to try on dresses, and it was three stories of tulle, satin, sequins, pearls, lace, and mirrors. Glorious. I think I tried on 7 or 8 dresses. I went back to the first one I tried on; that was it. I actually found my wedding dress. Because I'm getting married, guys! Soldier called while I was trying dresses to give me an update on where he was and that everything was going well. It was really sweet. 

We stopped for lunch, then went on for some outlet shopping. By the end of the day, I was too worn out to be sad and have a pity party. Since then he's gotten to our destination and started setting the apartment up, and I've fallen into my usual habit of doing very little socially and have found the energy to miss him. A lot. 

It's been a bit crazy though: trying to purge my possessions and get some stuff packed, visiting all the doctors (my favesies), making sure I have all the necessary medical stuff to head up there. I'm doing a few paintings for a coworker's daughter, which is helping to pass the time. 
And it turns out that wedding planning really is that stressful. I don't really know how it's supposed to work, so I'm pretty much doing everything willy-nilly and probably not in the order of priority I'm supposed to. It doesn't really help that he's up there and I don't want to make a lot of decisions on our wedding without him.

And on top of all that, I had to send my ring in to get resized. I know it seems silly, but it did not take long to get used to wearing it. Now I just want that stupid little diamond back, and I really want my big dumb Soldier. 

A Proposal

Yes.

I lived with a boyfriend when I was in college. We moved in kind of quickly, and it ended up being a not-genius move. It turned out that we had very different personalities, wants, and needs, and neither one of us were willing to concede a whole lot. While we were still living together, he decided he wanted to break up. The catch was that we’d already made plans to move to a different city where we would live in one of his parent’s houses for free and I would complete my internship. So we stayed together with the understanding that we would be breaking up in the near future.

That was really hard. Even though we weren’t great together, I didn’t want to break up. And he was so good at pretending it was a normal relationship. It really messed with my head. Eventually we learned to live together as friends and I started a long distance relationship. But I promised myself that I wouldn’t do something like that again—if I was going to be living with a guy, there would be real commitment.

I don’t remember how that conversation came up with Soldier. It must have happened when we were discussing his job opportunities and how we knew there was a possibility that he’d have to move. There was never a question for me that if he asked, I’d go.

When he brought up Alaska, I tried to stay calm and not mention my involvement. After a few minutes he asked if I wanted to move to Alaska. That was it. I knew I was getting a ring, and that part wasn’t very romantic, but he still did his best to make it special.

We were going up to his family’s “cabin” a few weekends ago and I had a feeling that was going to be it. I got dolled up and put on one of my favorite summer dresses, but when I got to his house, he looked like he might be going to work on a car or something. I was immediately annoyed. He also wasn’t ready to go, and asked if I needed to eat dinner. We were already planning on stopping at a brewery, so I said I’d grab something there, but he didn’t like that idea. So I grumpily ate a salad and we headed off. We got to the brewery and it was swamped. There was a single seat open at the bar but I told him we should just go; it would be weird and uncomfortable. I was still hopeful and thought that sunset on the little lake would be perfect. But then his car wouldn’t start. We’d driven separately, which was super lucky, and when he did get it going I followed him a little ways. It was acting really funny so we stopped again twice. We tried charging the battery and jumping it and eventually just left it in a parking lot. (It was a little funny…I don’t drive a stick and at one point he got it running with me in the driver’s seat and I had this moment of sheer panic not knowing what to do and kind of weakly yelling back at him “now what!?”)

We got to the house and started to put groceries away just as the sun was setting. I told him to leave it, took his hand, and led him out to the patio; I sat with my head on his shoulder waiting for it. His phone went off and he told me that I wasn’t allowed to look at his phone or any emails he got for the next couple of days. Why? Because something might be shipping. I crumbled. I told him I thought this was going to be it and he sympathetically told me that he wouldn’t want it to be that day since I started out annoyed with him. Good thinking, I guess.

Last Wednesday, he suggested we go out for dinner, as the next few weekends would be busy and there might not be much time for it. The places he suggested are in a neighboring town that he’s not very fond of (it’s a bit snooty) so I kind of wondered if something was up. When I saw him all dressed up, I knew it was. He said he just wanted to try on his new work clothes. 

During the drive, he turned down toward a little park. I asked what he was doing and he said we had some time to kill. Then he opened up the trunk and got out. I turned around and saw him put a little black box in his pocket. When I stepped out of the car he gave me a dozen red roses, then we started walking down a pathway toward the water. 

We got to the end of the pathway and stood there for a few minutes looking out at the water. Then he dropped to one knee and pulled out the ring. I think I probably just stood there grinning like an idiot. He said "Well Laura, I love you and I want to be with you forever." And because I'm weird and get uncomfortable in situations like that, I said "Forever ever?" He told me at least until Thursday. Somewhere in there he did actually ask me to marry him, but I think I was too caught up in feeling awkward for it to really register. 

While we were walking back to the car, he pointed out that I didn't actually say yes. Silly boy. As if there was ever any doubt. 

Reactions

The claws come out

It's been interesting, to say the least, to tell people that I'm moving to Alaska. I've been especially nervous to tell my siblings and some close friends, I kind of assumed most people would tell me I was insane. 

I finally sent my siblings an email last week. Yes, an email...remember how I have that embarrassing personality trait of being kind of a pussy. Plus, there are a lot of them and it was the easiest way to get them all at once. Two of my sisters replied right away with at least a little congratulations and excitement. 

I didn't hear anything from the other two for a day, then two, then more. I started to feel a little bad about it; even if they didn't agree, moving to Alaska is kind of a big deal. 
Then my mom told me they'd been contacting her. Telling her that they're worried, they can't believe I'm considering it, couldn't we get engaged and plan a wedding before I go out there?
I know that it's a pretty big risk and they haven't been privy to all of the details, but as one sister pointed out...it may be crazy but it's my decision! I really appreciated that. (Thanks, sister. <3)

It almost bothered me more that they contacted my mom instead of me. I'm not sure any of us have followed the conventional, traditional route, so it seems a little hypocritical and unfair to judge me. Granted, I know they're concerned and just want me to be happy and healthy. 

It's a bit worse with the contrast of some people I've worked with for the last five-ish years. Work relationships are interesting; you spend the majority of your time with these people and, without necessarily meaning to, you can grow pretty close to them. 
Many of them remember when Soldier and I dated previously. Some don't, and are just excited and/or jealous of the adventure I'm embarking on. Those were the responses that made me start to feel like it was okay; that taking chance wasn't the worst thing I could do. 

Now, I could tell them that he's been unbelievably amazing, and I have. But come on, how well would you believe your sibling about that? The logical part of me completely sees the concern and question. The emotional part of me just wants them to be happy for me. He's it, he's always been it, since I first saw those hypnotizing eyes. Kind of like my life was there. 
Ugh. Sorry. I'm getting all mushy. Gross.

So, ultimately, I love my family with everything I have. But I also love Soldier with everything I have. (Ick.) It's hard to have those conflicting. The disapproval isn't stopping me from going. The only times I second-guess it is when I get those bits...I hate feeling like I've disappointed my siblings. 

Okay, okay, I think you get it. There are a lot of feels going around with all the stuff that's happening. Not funzies. Add in allergy season. Kill me in the face. 

On the plus side, moving is supposed to be one of the most difficult life decisions for a couple. So after this, we'll be invincible. 

The Great White North

For real this time

There's been a lot of craziness since we last spoke. Buckle your seat belts. 

Soldier has been amazing. Seriously, incredibly, perfectly amazing. It's been a complete 180 and we're so in love it's gross. For me, it's always been him...and he just took a little longer to get there. And now we're basically diving in head first. 

He's been going through the process to become an air traffic controller, and a couple of weeks ago they sent the list of openings. There were about 15 on the list; he ranked them and sent his choices back the next day, and was told he'd get his placement in about 2 weeks. Our city was on there, so we figured it was a done deal. 

This past Tuesday, I was at his place and he suggested we go sit on the boat; I went to get a sweater and he beat me down there. I was climbing up onto the yacht and he told me he'd gotten an email that he was being sent to Alaska. I laughed; he was joking of course. Except that he wasn't. It took about 5 minutes before I was crying.
The whirlwind hasn't stopped. It's been a blur of planning, lists, telling family and friends and coworkers, being excited, and being really sad. I'm almost convinced I'm getting ulcers. I know I'm not getting ulcers. But this shit is stressful. Moving is bad enough, but moving to Alaska?! Oy.
Add to it that he's leaving a month before I am, so I'll be faced with trying to say goodbye and get the last of my affairs in order while part of me will be missing. (Yup, I've gotten that mushy. Gross.) 

I know, I'm being kind of whiny. But honestly, I wanted to go south! However, it is my own fault. When he got the list, I was quite crestfallen to see our city on there. I assumed we'd be stuck here, and I wanted to have an adventure and start our life together without everyone else dictating everything. Well, thanks, karma. I'm getting my damn adventure. 

So get your sweaters ready, kiddos. In October we're moving to Alaska!

The Web of Cray

Spun by the spider of desperation.

I know I'm interrupting our special on Canada, but this story demands to be told. 

A few days after the breakup, my parents met up to have a drink with Tee. He was hurting, and they liked him, so whatever. It seemed to have gone alright. He's been going all middle-school-girl on Facebook with pictures and liking articles about heartbreak and such, but I usually just roll my eyes when I see it. 

I was at a bonfire last weekend when I got a random email from Tee. (Seriously. Wtf is the email obsession?) He told me that he did some sleuthing and saw that Ginny is friends with Soldier (uh, nice job Sherlock.), and that he can put 2 and 2 together. He proceeded to tell me that Soldier doesn't care about me and just wants a booty call; that he's hurt me before and will hurt me again. He told me multiple times that I need to grow the fuck up; he told me I had it made, that I left something real for something fake, and that I had my fairy tale life and my prince. I'm not sure whose fairy tale he was writing me into, because that certainly wasn't my perfect story. He wasn't expecting a response; he simply wanted me to think about the things he said because he cares about me. 
I'm a little torn on how I was supposed to feel about all that, it was kind of all over the place. He was trying to tell me that he cared, but getting kind of harsh with talking about the booty call and kind of attacking my character and intelligence. I was annoyed, but figured it would be best to just ignore it instead of starting another futile argument. 

Just a few days later, I received another. The first line was how he hadn't expected a response, but the lack of response proves his point. Let's dissect that one piece at a time. 
Point A: In the previous email he wasn't expecting a response. In the latter he pointed out he hadn't expected one. He didn't get one. What's the problem? Generally people are pleased when their expectations are met. That sounds like a personal problem. 
Point B: His point was proven by the lack of response that hadn't been expected. What point? I hypothesize that his scientific experiment is flawed. Or he just doesn't like the result. Toooo baaaad. 

But I guess that's okay...because he thought I was better than that, so I guess I'm just disappointing. But he's trying to knock some sense into me, which is very generous of him. Because I apparently I think I have all the answers, but he must be the one who actually does. The good thing is that he still cares and he'll be there if I need anything, but I broke a trust that can't be repaired and we can never have what we had before. 
I kind of wanted to reply and ask what trust I broke--the trust of not telling him I was feeling suffocated? About leaving out that I'd been trying to force myself to care for him? How the thought of spending my life with him utterly exhausted me? He said that I'm hiding and not talking to him, but I don't think he'd believe me even if I did tell him. 

Next he told me he knows there will be a time when Soldier kicks me to the curb. See? He has the answers. Keep in mind, though, that he's only saying all of this as a concerned friend. Furthermore, I can't keep living a life like this if I ever want to be happy, and he's worried for me. Somewhere in there I must have started shooting up heroine or turning tricks. How very irresponsible of me!
Luckily I was out having a drink with some coworkers so we were able to laugh it off and they advised me to again just leave it alone. 

I half expected another message this past weekend. He went farther. 

To set the stage, you need to know that there are a few different parks and hiking trails in the area. Tee was in town and his parents live close to a very large hiking area. There's a smaller hiking area near my house, which is on the complete other side of town. But this was the one he chose to go hiking at. I found this out when my mom said Tee texted her to ask if he could stop at the house to get some water. I was weirded out, but didn't want to be a jerk so I told my mom I was okay with it and that I'd just stay out of sight. Then we got to talking, and she said that she thought he was getting a bit better because he hadn't been texting her as much. 

Umm. WHAT?

Turns out he's been texting her up to a couple of times a day, telling her how he's feeling. 

Seriously. WHAT?

I understand being hurt after a breakup, but that's just freaking weird. So I just sat and seethed, waiting to leave for the day while he invaded my space. 

But I do believe there's hope, I don't think I'm completely entrapped in the web of cray. I guess he didn't realize as he was spinning that web that he was going up against a bigger, deadlier spider.

Beginning

Of the end.

I finally did it. I made a difficult, mature decision to release Tee back into the sea to find his perfect fish. Here's how it all went down...


Tee sent me an email that he was concerned with my answers about the bonfire. I read the email a few times and knew that I had some options on how to respond...I took the bitch option. I figured this was opening the door for things to end and that would make it easier. I said that he obviously didn't trust me as much as he thought; that I'd told him about the bonfire beforehand and that I'd given him the information he asked about. Then I'll admit I got a little harsh...I said that it was starting to kind of sound like an interrogation and I didn't appreciate it. 
He then went into how he wasn't trying to interrogate me...he said so many times that he trusted me and if I say it was nothing, then it was nothing. At one point he mentioned that he understood I'd been a little distant, but it was no big deal and we'd get through it. Well, this was it. 

I told him that I'd been feeling distant for quite a while and that he was just starting to notice because I was starting to take it out on him. It was hard to tell him some of this stuff, but it was true and I needed to say it. I told him that I was looking at an upcoming trip as a last-ditch-effort, but that it didn't seem like such a good idea anymore. 
I felt bad for him after that, it seemed very panicky. He kept telling me how he knew I cared, no matter what I said. It all felt quite "the lady doth protest too much, methinks." He ended it saying that we needed to just enjoy each other and forget about this. So I tried to back up a little bit and explain that I had been feeling distant and that I didn't like how I was treating him and the person I was becoming. After a little more back and forth, I finally said I didn't think things could keep going. 
Tee made one more attempt. He said that he wanted to make sure that this was what I wanted and that he'd give me some time to think about it. Well, I obviously knew that I wasn't going to change my mind and didn't take the time he offered. I let him know that it was what I wanted and needed. 

I felt like a horrible person. I've been in that position and I know how much it sucks. Then he made it worse...he wrote back that he understood and would respect my decision. He reiterated how much he cared about me and just wanted me to be happy. Part of me wanted to tell him that he'd treated me incredibly well, and he would some how see that it was for the best, that he deserves to be with someone who appreciates him and enjoys the same things. I didn't though, I know it would be pointless and just drag it out. 

My parents saw him today. My mom told me that they really liked him, and they'd known him before we started dating, so they were going to keep seeing him. I'm okay with that. He really is a nice guy, he's just not the nice guy for me. She also told me that he's doing alright...much better than I ever did with breakups, but that doesn't take much. As for me, I'm pretty relieved. My unhappiness was weighing on me and making me feel awful, and I really did hate the person I was becoming towards him. But it's all open water now, little fish, so just keep swimming. 

Gossip Girl

You know you love me...Xoxo

I didn't watch Gossip Girl when it was on the air, but I've started binge watching it lately. I think my life has taken a page out of that book. But not one of the good pages that includes a bottomless bank account, buying couture as if it were candy, and jet-setting off on a whim. Unfortunately. 

Hang onto your hats, kids, this one's a doozy.

Last week I got a bonfire invite on the Facebook from Soldier. There has been some back and forth (some, I shamefully admit, inappropriate) and there was kind of an abrupt end. So I asked if it was a mistake to invite me, and he told me that he guessed it wasn't (guessed? ouch.); that he had gone with FB's suggestions. Which maybe means he's stalking my page a lot? Eh, dunno. Anyway I said I'd go if our friend Ginny went, then I asked her to let me know. 
Well, yesterday was the day, and I was doing fine. Out of nowhere, my legs started acting up, and I started to get feverish and ick. So I was just going to ignore it when Ginny texted me; I figured nobody would really care if I just didn't go. But a bit later Soldier texted and told me that there were a bunch of girls to socialize with and he kind of tried to talk me into it so, eventually, I went. I only expected to be there for a bit. 

It was really good to see everyone though! And at one point, I don't even remember how it happened, Soldier and I wandered off and sat on the couch talking. So much stuff came out...things we'd never really talked about before. I told him things I wasn't really proud of, about not so much getting over him, and he told me how much he knew that he messed up and wish he could change it all. It was strange, because he doesn't ever say he's wrong. I cried a couple of times, and he actually opened up a bit, which is also strange. He does feelings even less than I do. It was so nice to just talk, and to get all this stuff out, and I didn't want to leave. But, I promise, I was a good girl. Well, other than completely spilling my heart out. I did end up leaving at 5...I don't even know if that's late or early. I think the sun was actually starting to come up. 
There was a crazy mix of emotions that hasn't really stopped. 

I had plans to meet Tee for lunch, and I followed through, sleep-deprived and hungover as I was. I told him that I went to the bonfire, but kept out some of those intimate details. He seemed surprised and displeased, even though I'd told him I was invited to this party. He asked some questions that sounded suspicious, and my answers were a bit vague so that probably didn't help. 
I think he can tell I've been cooling; he seems to be trying extra hard. I can see my past relationships in it, but with reversed roles. I used to be the one thinking I could do something to make the other person happy, knowing deep down I really couldn't. But I hope you don't think this is all because of Soldier. I guess if you follow the blog you know it isn't; I've been trying for probably 6 months to make myself feel something. 

I was sitting at home after hanging out with Tee, when Soldier invited me over for some drinks. I first declined, not entirely sure I could stay honest. But I really wanted to see him and talk more, so I relented. Please don't think too badly of me and my weak constitution. 
There were some other people over and we all just hung out. I kept looking at Soldier's eyes...they mesmerize me. But, again, I promise nothing happened. When I went to leave, he asked if I wanted to stay and just talk. I really wanted to, but I didn't. 

It feels a bit epic. I asked a lot of questions, and he said things just felt different. When I asked how, he said he feels more in his heart for me. He's never said anything even remotely close to that sweet or open before. He's also stressing caution and thorough thought...he's likely getting a government job but has no idea where he'll be sent. I told him that the sad thing was if he asked, I would go. He again stressed prudence and, when I asked for elaboration, he said it was because he could see himself asking. That's some fucking romantic shit. Damn it. 

This also feels slightly like Pocahontas. Why can't my life be like a good movie, like The Prince and Me or something? It worked for Kate Middleton.