Playing with Fire

Eventually you're gonna get burned

I still feel guilty about dating more than one guy. But I like both Lindbergh and Jonathan, I don't know what to do about it. 
It makes me melt when Jonathan tells me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me. But I'm actually able to see Lindbergh. 

He and I had a really good date night yesterday. Lindbergh's apartment is really close to my office, so usually I just go there from work. We decided to go out to eat and, since I was a little dressed up, he stepped his game up. We went to a nice restaurant that was absolutely delicious. The restaurant is actually for a culinary school, so everything is pretty gourmet for relatively cheap. I had duck breast with wild mushroom risotto, braised greens, and some kind of fig/raisin chutney. A-maze-ing. Some yummy wine was involved, and incredible dessert. We laughed so much, it was just really a good time. 

We were having a ton of fun, so we continued at the wine bar. One of the hostesses (hosti?) stopped on her way out and said that she had to tell me that I'm completely adorable and how lucky Lindbergh was to be out with me. It was very, very sweet. Then a waiter came over and told us how much fun it looked like we were having. He said we seemed like cool people and we looked good together. Then he said he wanted to show us something, did the basic magic trick, and ended up with a quarter in his hand. Silly, but I was completely enthralled and flattered. And possibly a little tipsy. But, that's kinda standard. Eh, it happens. Anyway, the waiter said it was our lucky quarter and that we had to keep it forever and ever (amen) and enjoy the night. And we did. After the wine bar we went back to his apartment and watched a movie and cuddled. 

Last night he was out with friends and I found myself missing him a bit. 

Now for the update on Soldier. I wish he wouldn't have messaged me, I was doing okay. He ruined that. Thinking more and more about his feeling "shameful" for messaging me, I eventually said as much. He replied that he was ashamed of his drunkenness and not being able to keep his shit together, then said that he does care about me. He went on to say that he hadn't wanted to treat me badly. That I wanted more and felt more than he did. But here's my favorite part: "I wished I felt differently because you are pretty great." 
Ouch. I'm sure that was well intentioned, (umm, computer says that's not a word, but I really think it is. If it isn't, it should be. I so decree.) but it kind of feels like lemon juice in a papercut. (UGH apparently paper cut is two words. I think it should be one. Why is my computer so uppity today?!) The way I see it is more like "yeah, sure, you're great. Just not that great. I couldn't quite force myself to want your lackluster greatness." So...lame. Now I get to try and get back to okay. 

I've been thinking more and more lately about getting out of town again. Not so much to run away from anything, but to have my own life and my own adventure. Maybe I will stay in Paris. 
No, no I won't. But that'd be pretty sweet, huh?

Every Day is a Winding Road

I get a little bit closer

To what? Sorry, I'll try to keep the soul searching to a minimum. And I know I'm overdue on an update. I should also be sleeping though, because work has been very busy this week and tomorrow's kind of crunch time.

As expected, I went to sleep instead of finishing this post last night. But that's probably good, there's quite a bit more to write today. Alright so...we start back at last Friday. 

I went back and forth many times, but I finally bit the bullet and went out with Foxx (the coworker). We went to a new wine bar that opened up in town, and it was actually a nice time. For a while. Then it turned into "I've gotta ask...why are you single?" 
UGH. What IS that question?! WHY do people ask that shit?! So my answer was "If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be single." It then turned into him semi-trying to convince me that it would be okay to date a coworker. I "listened"...in one ear and out the other. I don't really see dating a coworker as a problem...I see the possible end of the relationship being a problem. How would you work with somebody after that? Okay, that may be a pessimistic way to look at it, but I also feel it's a realistic way to look at it. So, I tried to explain some reasons it might not be a good idea, and I thought I got through. You can guess---that was a no. It's toned down, but there are less veiled comments and more outright hitting on me. We had a work happy hour this evening, and my personal bubble was basically nonexistent. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this. 

Next: Lindbergh. I'm still spending a lot of time with him. Last Saturday we spent basically all day together...we went to lunch, then got ice cream, then just hung out. Oh, he was super cute yesterday. Monday was National Dessert Day (apparently that's a thing). I helped him do some work in the evening, and then we went out to eat. We'd planned on getting dessert but were both too full. So he decided to make up for that yesterday. I had to do some work after hours (btw, doing work at home is totally not an issue when you have an awesome job and coworkers that appreciate you!) so I had to do some work after hours and I brought it over to his place (he lives close to my office). He put in a movie and I did my work, and it was really nice to hang out while I had to do something. He made popcorn and insisted that you can't have popcorn without a beer (agreed). A little bit later, he got dessert ready: he'd picked up some giant brownies (with sprinkles) from a local bakery, warmed them up, and paired them with port. It was a really nice, simple night. 

On deck: Jonathan. We still talk, and I'm going to visit him in a couple weeks. It sucks to miss him as much as I do. It wouldn't be as bad if he worked regular business hours, but he works pretty much a million hours a week. Which isn't even humanly possible, but he finds a way to do it. The sad thing is, I think we could really have a good chance if we lived in the same place. As it is...we're two hours away. (Weekends? Refer back to his work schedule) He has absolutely no desire to come back home, and...I mean, how could I leave my job? I really love it. What's going to happen there? And how could it? It's stupid, really. And yet...stooory ooof my liiife. 

And now: the coup de grâce. At least, with all these guy issues, I wish it were. Soldier sent me a message last night. I didn't get it till a few hours after he sent it...it was in the middle of the night when I saw it, and it was more shocking than anything else. He simply asked what I was up to. A drunken attempt at a booty call? Possibly. I replied, then saw his car still at the bar this morning. So, possibly a drunken attempt at a booty call. Late this morning he said he didn't remember sending the message, that he'd been very drunk, and that he felt shameful. Shameful? Really? Ouch. 
Anyway, we chatted a bit and then the conversation just petered out. You know, I really didn't see him following the pattern. The boys always come back...it starts with drunken attempts at contact and then progresses. Apparently I was wrong on that end. I seemed to have the upper hand in the conversation...that was probably in my head though. Why did he have to do this when I'm actually starting to move on? 
I'm feeling very drained; this week has been very demanding. I probably would have been okay had the Soldier issue not been...well, an issue. There's more to discuss, but that'll have to be for another post. 

Until next time, my dears. 

Team Laura

How can you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

Wow, I seem to have a fan club brewing. Truth be told, I’m not a super fan of the fan club. I used to be great at juggling guys, and it didn’t bother me. All’s fair in love and war, and all that. Now I just feel guilty about it. I think that’s partly to do with an increasing feeling of restlessness. I love my job, and I’m good at what I do (it’s a beautiful thing when the two cross over), and I’m relatively happy with things and I wish I had someone to share it with. The problem is I seriously hate dating, and I’m picky.

Alright so an update on things.

I’m still talking to Jonathan (albeit not as much as I’d prefer). I’m still really into him, but I hate feeling like I’m not entirely sure of his feelings. And I’ve never understood why, if you’re thinking of someone and care about them, it’s difficult to take a few seconds to send a quick text. (that’s not a direct criticism of Jonathan, I just have to say things as I’m thinking them or I’ll forget. And then the world will miss out on my witty lines and deep conversation!)

I’m starting to cool on Lindbergh a bit. I feel terrible about this, since it’s the same thing I did last time. But I’m not entirely sure what to do about it; there probably isn’t really anything I CAN do about it.

I got a long text from Cowboy last night. He’s been working in the mountains with no service, misses talking to me, and still wants me to come visit. He suggested a weekend; he picked it because he has a hockey tournament and would love to have me be there for the tournament.  Damn it! I’m a sucker for things like that. How can I possibly move on from this when he’s telling me he wants me to be there to watch him play hockey, and just that he wants me to be there in general? Oh, side note: hockey is the only sport I actually care about. So that’s a double-whammy. (Do people say that anymore? Double-whammy? It sounds stupid. Eh, it’s there now.)

I also got a text yesterday from, well I can't remember the name I gave him and I can't find it in my earlier posts, asking if I want to go to a costume party this weekend. Yes, I do, because I don’t think people throw nearly enough costume parties. But no, I don’t really want to go with him. I should probably just not.

AND, the coworker wants to hang out this weekend. I kind of put myself in this position though. I snapped at him the other day and told him I owed him for being epic-bitch-face. He suggested drinks and plans escalated to patronizing an “urban” bar/club. (Oh yeah, I had to ask what he meant by “urban” hahaha). Should be super interesting, especially since he told me that if he slaps me on the butt and kisses me on the mouth I should just roll with it. Well, here’s my solution, and (surprise!) it might not be the best one: fine. Just fine. We’ll go out, I’ll let him have his fun (up to a point!), and he’ll see that it’s not all he’s imagining. Then it’ll be problem solved and no more thinly veiled sexual tension on his part! Let me sidebar at this point. Though it may be questionable at times, I am in fact a semi-intelligent person. So, I do realize that this is probably not how the scenario will play out. I also realize that it will probably result in a bigger headache on my part. But, having tried to ignore it and also to talk about it, this is my next approach. Wish me luck.

Well, I was starting to think that with all this other stuff going on, I didn’t have as much time to think about and miss Soldier. Ha. Haha. That’s the universe laughing at me. I forgot to mention in my last post that, on my way back from visiting Jonathan, I was stuck behind a car that was purchased at some dealership with Soldier’s last name. (Does that make sense? It’s really hard to describe it without using the actual name on this one). Just a few minutes ago, Soldier sent me a connection request on LinkedIn. Really? You broke my heart and now won’t even talk to me, but you want to use me for your professional networking? That’s a little cruel. I’m still trying to decide whether to accept it or not.

So, I guess that’s the update for now. You know I’ll add more when I have it…in the meantime, I’ll continue to be conflicted by my feelings, and lack thereof, on various gentlemen.

Decisions

Being an adult is hard.

I've been spending quite a bit of time with Lindbergh lately, and we've been having a lot of fun. Last weekend we got all gussied up and went to dinner at a semi-fancy restaurant and an art event in a neighboring city. The event is a really cool thing, art is installed all over the city...so we wandered through the city, in the dark, drinking and looking at art. It was great. We've gone out for dinner and drinks a couple of other times, and also just spent some time relaxing and hanging out. I started really wanting to talk to him and see him, and I enjoyed spending time with him. I've really enjoyed it. 

Last night I went to visit Jonathan. We went to dinner and did some grocery shopping, then played a drinking game to The Walking Dead. We fell asleep cuddling on the couch after a few episodes and just went to bed when we woke up. Neither of us have any idea how long we were sleeping, and we felt really old for our uninspiring Friday night. I'm not sure I would have wanted the night to go otherwise, though. It was nice to continue getting to know him again. This morning I made breakfast, which is really kind of a big thing. (I'm not exactly Martha Stewart, and I cook as little as possible, but I can rock breakfast. We had french toast turned awesome...I mixed pumpkin spice, vanilla, and cayenne pepper in with the egg. We also had some apple kind of syrup; the combination was deliciously fall. Psh. Any guy would be lucky to have me.) 
After breakfast we listened to some music, hung out, watched some football. Jonathan manages a restaurant, so I came home this afternoon. I wasn't happy about that, I didn't want to leave. I tried to make it easy and simple...I hope it worked. Before I left, we were just laying there, tracing fingertips along each other's arms. Okay, okay, I know it sounds super cheesy put into words. The most romantic things do, I've thought so myself. I almost started crying, I hate goodbyes. But, I didn't. I was a good girl; smiled, pet the dog, kissed Jonathan, and left. It was too short, but I enjoyed the time we spent. I really enjoyed it. 

Oh, hey, let's have some fun and throw another wrench in there! I checked my phone this morning and had a Facebook message. From Cowboy. H.o.l.y. c.r.a.p. Nothing is ever simple. Well, Cowboy said that he was working in the mountains and had no service, but he still wants me to come visit. He said he's worried that I thought he changed his mind, but he'd love for me to come out. Well, of course I thought he changed his mind. I ruled that out; it wasn't going to happen. So, that should be it. That should be it! WHY is that not it? That's just a source of stress that I don't need or want. I'm feeling circumspect, and I hope that remains. 

So, what do I do? Let's go through the options (Cowboy not being one of them..."fool me once..." and all that)
Lindbergh- Pros: He's goofy, takes me as I am; he cares about me a lot; he tells and shows me that he cares about me; he's comfortable. Cons: He's not terribly mature; he doesn't really seem to have a long-term plan; he's been married before and I'm guessing isn't holding his breath to jump back into holy matrimony. 
Jonathan-Pros: He keeps popping up and bringing me back to him; he has a successful job and goals; he's responsible but fun; I could see myself waking up with him. Cons: He lives two hours away...I don't think he has any desire to move back, and I'm not moving for a guy again without a princess cut solitaire from Tiffany's on third finger of my left hand; I keep second-guessing how he feels about me. 

None of that helps or gives me an answer. That brings up the next question: what about Soldier? Eh, nothing about Soldier. I haven't forgotten, and it hasn't gotten easier. I don't think about him any less. I've gotten used to the fact that he's not coming back. I really, reallyreally hate the phrase, but...it is what it is. 

I'm not interested in flings anymore, so I guess I don't really have any idea what'll happen. My focus is on my job; it's going really well and I love it. Of course I want someone to love me, but I can function without that. It is what it is...la vie est un beau gâche.