Decisions

Being an adult is hard.

I've been spending quite a bit of time with Lindbergh lately, and we've been having a lot of fun. Last weekend we got all gussied up and went to dinner at a semi-fancy restaurant and an art event in a neighboring city. The event is a really cool thing, art is installed all over the city...so we wandered through the city, in the dark, drinking and looking at art. It was great. We've gone out for dinner and drinks a couple of other times, and also just spent some time relaxing and hanging out. I started really wanting to talk to him and see him, and I enjoyed spending time with him. I've really enjoyed it. 

Last night I went to visit Jonathan. We went to dinner and did some grocery shopping, then played a drinking game to The Walking Dead. We fell asleep cuddling on the couch after a few episodes and just went to bed when we woke up. Neither of us have any idea how long we were sleeping, and we felt really old for our uninspiring Friday night. I'm not sure I would have wanted the night to go otherwise, though. It was nice to continue getting to know him again. This morning I made breakfast, which is really kind of a big thing. (I'm not exactly Martha Stewart, and I cook as little as possible, but I can rock breakfast. We had french toast turned awesome...I mixed pumpkin spice, vanilla, and cayenne pepper in with the egg. We also had some apple kind of syrup; the combination was deliciously fall. Psh. Any guy would be lucky to have me.) 
After breakfast we listened to some music, hung out, watched some football. Jonathan manages a restaurant, so I came home this afternoon. I wasn't happy about that, I didn't want to leave. I tried to make it easy and simple...I hope it worked. Before I left, we were just laying there, tracing fingertips along each other's arms. Okay, okay, I know it sounds super cheesy put into words. The most romantic things do, I've thought so myself. I almost started crying, I hate goodbyes. But, I didn't. I was a good girl; smiled, pet the dog, kissed Jonathan, and left. It was too short, but I enjoyed the time we spent. I really enjoyed it. 

Oh, hey, let's have some fun and throw another wrench in there! I checked my phone this morning and had a Facebook message. From Cowboy. H.o.l.y. c.r.a.p. Nothing is ever simple. Well, Cowboy said that he was working in the mountains and had no service, but he still wants me to come visit. He said he's worried that I thought he changed his mind, but he'd love for me to come out. Well, of course I thought he changed his mind. I ruled that out; it wasn't going to happen. So, that should be it. That should be it! WHY is that not it? That's just a source of stress that I don't need or want. I'm feeling circumspect, and I hope that remains. 

So, what do I do? Let's go through the options (Cowboy not being one of them..."fool me once..." and all that)
Lindbergh- Pros: He's goofy, takes me as I am; he cares about me a lot; he tells and shows me that he cares about me; he's comfortable. Cons: He's not terribly mature; he doesn't really seem to have a long-term plan; he's been married before and I'm guessing isn't holding his breath to jump back into holy matrimony. 
Jonathan-Pros: He keeps popping up and bringing me back to him; he has a successful job and goals; he's responsible but fun; I could see myself waking up with him. Cons: He lives two hours away...I don't think he has any desire to move back, and I'm not moving for a guy again without a princess cut solitaire from Tiffany's on third finger of my left hand; I keep second-guessing how he feels about me. 

None of that helps or gives me an answer. That brings up the next question: what about Soldier? Eh, nothing about Soldier. I haven't forgotten, and it hasn't gotten easier. I don't think about him any less. I've gotten used to the fact that he's not coming back. I really, reallyreally hate the phrase, but...it is what it is. 

I'm not interested in flings anymore, so I guess I don't really have any idea what'll happen. My focus is on my job; it's going really well and I love it. Of course I want someone to love me, but I can function without that. It is what it is...la vie est un beau gâche.