Unsolicited Attention

Oh hey there, stalker. 
(You're obviously not doing a very good job as the point of stalking someone is for them to not know about it. And you're just right there, out in the open. Being all "Heeey, look at me! Over here! Hey, heyheyhey! Looove meeeee!" It's just not right. You fail at everything.)

Let me start by saying that I'm glad I postponed the rest until today....more has happened. Let's see...I think we stopped off Saturday morning. I say that, because it was about 5 by the time I felt okay to sleep. I'm so glad I had Wolverine here, I just felt so much better. He had to get up in the morning so I was up at about 9. I mostly did stuff around the house, and felt okay I guess, just very tired and worn out. Well, I thought so at least. At one point I went outside to look for a package and I got spooked; I had to run back inside. I think my head had this idea of the house being a safe space and being outside was open and risky. So I stayed inside for the rest of the day until one of my girl friends came over and we went out for a girls night.

Side note: I love the girls nights we have. But, it was Soldier's cousin and best friend's wife. So, while I wouldn't give those nights up for anything, they make me feel like my heart has been re-ripped out of my chest. I hate having to hear about him and what they're doing, I still feel like I should be part of the group.

It was great...we got pedicures and went out for dinner, and then one of the girls came over to hang out for a bit. I was fine. Sunday was okay, until it started to get later in the day and my parents weren't home yet. Luckily, Lindbergh cashed in the raincheck to hang out. At some point, I got a text from the guy (sorry, he's not even worth an alias) asking if we weren't talking anymore. Tip: if you have to ask, you already know the answer! So, I didn't give him one, thinking it would be the end of that. Man, I'm so wrong lately!

Monday was a typical Monday. I didn't really want to tell everyone about my weekend, so I tried to gloss over it. Nope. I received flowers at work. (They're really pretty, but I just can't appreciate them as much as I'd like to). I was pretty sure they were from the guy and hesitated in opening the card...I should have not opened it at all. It had a quote from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. This is pertinent because it's a play I had a leading role in when I was in high school. I played Titania, and we actually flew (it was freaking awesome!). The card went on to say that it was the earliest memory he had of me, and that he was sorry. 
To be honest, I was pissed. He had made me question my safety, which I could halfway conceal. Now he was affecting my work? Fuck that shit. I love my job and I'm relatively good at it, and I want that kind of crap staying out of it. So it was kind of another blow to my security and my somewhat stable life. What really made me livid was all of my coworkers asking about it. I don't want them to know what a mess my life really is! But of course people ask when you get flowers. Everyone does. I do. Well, a few of them bugged me about it until I told them the story...then they felt bad for asking. I was panicked, and a few male coworkers were nice enough to walk me to my car after work. 
The 'rents were home when I got there, which was a bit of a relief. I was okay until I got a text asking if I got the flowers. Then I started to crack a bit again. I said yes. Then I got this apology, that he thinks I'm great, that he's sorry he put me in that position (does he even realize?), and that he understands if I want him to back off. I figured my lack of response was response enough. Guess what....w-r-o-n-g. 

Oh, I missed a part. On Monday, I got a text from Jonathan asking how my weekend was. I was leery, and somehow got my point across that my feelings were hurt; that I would really have liked to see him while he was in town. We kind of hashed it out a bit; he let me know that he was thinking of me and missing me, even if I didn't realize it. It meant a lot to me. As you've probably noticed, I'm needy with attention. I question things a lot and need affirmation. So, we talked about it quite a bit and we have plans for me to visit next weekend. I really really wish it was this weekend, but I'll take what I can get. 

Sorry, getting back to the story. Now it's Wednesday (and I should be sleeping, I'm staying up just for you. You should feel guilty, it's actually affecting my health!). Yesterday evening my boss asked me to help with a tour this morning and I accepted without a second thought. That's one of the things I love about my boss and job; I'm trusted enough to be able to handle important things at the last minute. With the tour in mind, Jonathan helped me pick out a professional but attractive outfit for work. Sorry, off topic again. I was on my way to work this morning and got a text from him saying that he thought  he'd be at my office. It didn't take long to make the connection. 
I could have let somebody know, but I didn't. My boss is a wonderful lady, and she would have taken the responsibility by herself if I'd told her, and I wasn't about to make her do that. On the other hand, I didn't want to look like I couldn't handle things. So I kept it in and fought nausea for most of the day. 
The tour went fine, but I didn't like it. I don't him anywhere near me and I'd like to just pretend that all of this crap didn't happen. Here's the thing: I know there's a good chance that I'm overreacting...to me, that doesn't matter. If someone makes me feel unsafe for one second, that's too much. I shouldn't even have to give that a thought. So, I'm probably overreacting, it's probably fine; I'm not taking a chance on probably. That's it, end of discussion. Anyway I got back to my desk after the tour and there were 3 texts from him. Nothing worth repeating; just trying to talk to me and act like everything was fine. I again ignored it. 

The stress of this is catching up with me. I don't exactly handle stress well, I keep it all up inside and it starts to hurt my muscles and joints. I know I'm going to have to eventually shut it down, but I'm not prepared for that. I'd like to be able to ignore problems and have them go away (so would everyone else, amirite). 
For now, it's bedtime. Past bedtime. I'd be okay with not having new stuff to post for a few days...but if anything "exciting" happens, you know that you'll be the first to know!