Digging a Hole

In which our unfortunate heroine finds she may be in over her head. 

I've been procrastinating on writing this post. Even now, while I have it started, I'm probably going to keep going back to the Pinterest and the Facebook and it'll take a long time to get through this. The past week or so has been all over the place. 

Last week (was it only a week ago?), I relented and talked to Cowboy. It was nice to catch up. There are a few guys that I'll probably always hold a candle for, and he's one of them. Why? I'm not entirely sure. But, I was wary at first to talk to him and then, as can be predicted, I kind of caved. Then we were just catching up and I really liked it. He quickly suggested I come visit him and started looking for plane tickets, even saying he'd just get them and asked what dates would work. I was really sleepy and couldn't think, and I wasn't entirely sure what to do about Jonathan. I told him not to order them and that I'd check it out the next day. So I sent him a text the next day and he said he'd call me after work. Suuurpriiiise...he didn't. Haven't heard from him since. 

So with that, let's check up on Jonathan. I like him, I really do. I just don't know what he's thinking...I can't tell that he's really interested in something with me. I don't know. Anyway he turned out to be in town this weekend for a wedding. I found out the location this week, and was more than a little hurt that he was going to be in town and didn't care about seeing me. So at that he sent me a sad face and I sent a terse message back. He didn't answer, and I thought he'd stopped talking to me. He happens to have just sent me a text though. He's making his schedule for next month and wants to take a weekend off to see me. That's good, right? Shit. I almost feel like it's time for the dreaded conversation...but I absolutely hate that. Everybody hates that. I just hate the relationship limbo. Which leads me...to the awful that was this past Friday night. 

There's been a guy that's been wanting to hang out, so I finally gave in. We went for drinks after work, and it was fine. Later on, he was at a party out by my house and wanted to come over. I wasn't sure, but he told me he just wanted to be friends and that we'd just hang out and it'd be fun. So, fine, he came over. Well apparently "being friends" is guy speak for "I'mma try and get all up in yo business." I should have known that. Anyway that happened, and I didn't really appreciate it. I know, I know, how ungrateful of me. I decided it was time to part ways, I wasn't really feeling the turn the night was taking. 
I tried to move things in the leaving direction, and he started talking about how wonderful I am. He conveniently snuck in there that he wanted to know where my bed was-umm NO. How he really wants to get to know me and wants me to get to know him...he even cried. HE CRIED.  C-R-I-E-D. Dude. Even if I wasn't already half creeped out, yeah, I'd like to be the woman in the relationship. So, obviously, things are starting to get weirder and more uncomfortable. Well, I accidentally went into emotionless-cutthroat-bitch mode. By that, I mean I just stopped caring. I wanted him out and I wanted him out NOW. Something about it just seemed really off...I know this is exaggerating, but the kind of manipulation an abuser uses. So, I told him I thought he was trying to be manipulative and I wasn't buying it, and that it was time to go. He got upset that I thought he was being manipulative, but he left.

Scratch that, he "left." He kept calling and, when I looked out my window, his car was still in the driveway. No thanks! I didn't answer the calls, but then he came back to the door. NO THANKS. He asked if he could stay over; he wasn't sure he could drive. 
I know this sounds really bad on my part. I'm okay with that. It probably would have been fine, probably wouldn't have been a big deal. But when you make me question my safety and well-being, probably isn't good enough. Besides that, he had 2 or 3 beers...and making sure he's sober isn't my responsibility. So, I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea and I wasn't comfortable with it. He got offended and asked if I thought he was "that kind of guy." I'm pretty proud of my witty response: "every guy is that kind of guy." He got pissed and stormed off, then send me angry texts. 

I'm not sure exactly what snapped right then, and I'm not sure why I felt so wrong about everything that happened...but at that moment I broke down. I couldn't handle it, I felt like I was completely vulnerable and exposed. I sobbed and looked around for some sort of protection while trying to make it seem like I wasn't even moving. Like if I hid I could pretend I wasn't there. I sent texts to Soldier and his best friend, hoping one of them would be awake and keep me safe. They didn't answer, and I got the idea to text Wolverine. Thankfully, he was awake and came over. I remember burying my face in his chest and just clutching at him and being slightly hysterical. But, I was able to sleep because I know he'd never let anything happen to me, and I knew that I was okay with him there. 

I know I'm not ending on a happy note, but it's way past my bedtime. I'll try and continue the story tomorrow. Jusqu'a demain mes amis!