Mixing Business and Pleasure

Old flames they can warm you tonight, so keep it cool my baby...

The agency where I work is part of a statewide system, and every year they hold an annual conference. I wasn't supposed to go this year, but the opportunity arose and I snatched it up. I love to learn new things about my work...but it didn't hurt that the 3 day conference happened to be at a casino. My job doesn't at all require traveling, so it's nice when that's an option. 

***Alright, time for some back story. This one brings Jonathan into the story. (That's as in Jonathan Trager from the movie Serendipity. It's a fitting alias). 
I met Jonathan years ago, I think I was 18 or 19 (GAWD that makes me feel old). It was terrible timing; I wasn't exactly emotionally stable, and he was about to become a father from a one night stand. SPOILER ALERT: it didn't work out. (What's completely asinine is that is not the only time the situation has happened. Except the second time I was smart enough to not listen when I was told that it would be okay, and that the baby wouldn't change anything between us.) Anyway Jonathan had that stuff going on, and I had issues of my own, so we parted ways. A few years later we started talking a little bit again. We saw each other once, something happened to make him pull away, we parted ways again. He would send me messages every once in a while and I didn't answer much. He even sent a message in July, which I still have no recollection of...but it's surely there. Okay, I think that's it in a nutshell.***

Well, a few days before the conference, I was feeling particularly shitty. I wrote on my Facebook that I felt insignificant and useless...of course hoping to get some words of encouragement. Jonathan sent me a message that things would get better. I took about a day and a half, but I finally messaged back and told him I'd be up in his neck of the woods for the conference. He suggested we meet for a drink, I agreed. 

The conference started on a Sunday, and he expected to be working a little too late that night for us to hang out. I had expected to a responsible employee and go to bed at a decent time...hahaha. Silly me! About 6 drinks and 2 shots later, I headed back up to meet with Jonathan. It was nice; we caught up little and cuddled a little and just hung out. It felt very natural...not the kind of catching up where you have to spend tons of time talking about everything that's been going on...just kind of chatting, seeing what the other one was up to. I don't know how to describe it. 
Well, Monday was rough. I was hungover and incredibly tired, but rallied later on. Jonathan wasn't feeling fantastic either, and we went back and forth on hanging out. He told me that he'd realized the night before that he wants to see me more. Part of me wanted to leave it, part of me agreed with him. Well, I had some (okay, a lot) of shots with a coworker, played in the casino (not by myself) a little bit, and then rushed back up to meet him again. He brought a bottle of wine and it was gone by the time he left. (Which, if I'm divulging, I don't remember. I was sleeping, but apparently I made it difficult because I wouldn't let go of his arm. Even unconscious Laura is needy!) 
I do remember my alarm going off in the morning and a panicky feeling to turn it off because it'd wake Jonathan. Then I had this strange feeling--kind of a deflation, kind of when the wind gets knocked out of you, I'm not sure I've ever really felt that kind of sad disappointment--when I realized he wasn't there. It was odd. 

So, of course the next day was even worse. I probably would have stuck around to see Jonathan again, but a coworker was riding back with me. We Skyped the next day, and talked about seeing each other again. With his schedule, that won't be anytime soon, but we'll see what happens. 

I'm not sure how he keeps grabbing at my emotions this way. I'll go months or years without talking to him, and then it's like a switch flips and there it is again. 

There's a lot more that's happened since the start of the conference until now, but I'll save that till tomorrow. The long (and very drunken) nights messed with my body, and now I'm trying to make up for it. I loved the time I had at the conference...but I'm getting too old for this shit.