Hodgepodge

“A good story should make you laugh, and a moment later break your heart.”—Chuck Palahniuk

Now we get into some random events and musings over the past week or so. Different parts will have different fonts. 

We start back at the conference.

I have a coworker (Foxx) who, for a while, may or may not have been hitting on me. I didn’t want to read too much into it, and I didn’t want to acknowledge it if he was. He’s the kind of guy that is a little loud and boisterous, and kind of seems like he’s trying to cover up some insecurities. Seriously, the guy is more of a diva than I am…and that’s saying a lot. A LOT…I mean I’m more diva than most girls. Anyway, more and more, he would say things that made me lean toward the yes. I just kept ignoring it.

Some of us carpooled, and he had put dibs on riding with me. Well, when it came time to leave, he was a little behind so he didn't end up riding in my car. I was okay with that. I didn’t really want to listen to him for the two hour car ride. Eh, none of that really has any bearing on the rest of the story. Let’s see, what did I leave out from the last post? I’m too lazy to look, so some of this might be overlap. Sorry! But not really.

The first night of the conference, there was a networking reception, which included drinks. We all got a little bit socially lubricated, and continued the party in the casino. Somewhere in there, Foxx started texting me. Innocent, right? Wrong. Eventually he point blank asked me to have a sleepover. Uh, we all know he didn’t intend any sleeping to be going on. I declined, and he said he wanted to reserve my evening for the following day. I didn’t confirm (and as we already know, I ended up spending both evenings with Jonathan). The next day I felt a little awkward and tried to see him as little as possible without making it too obvious. Then, again, the booze flowed. He’s actually the coworker I took tequila shots with, but everything was innocent and cordial. I could tell he was trying to butter me up, but I did my best to act innocent and unassuming. That all went fine and just as I was getting back to meet Jonathan, he wanted to know about our sleepover that night. It was a little late, I could pretend that I was sleeping; I just didn’t answer.

Problem solved, right? Wrong. The day that we got back was a short one, and I made a beeline to my house and my bed. He continued to text me and tell me how fun it was to take shots and that we should hang out. At this point I figured I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. So, I tried to be diplomatic and say that we worked together and that it might be prudent to be careful on that end. Well, of course that turned into “oh, no, that wasn’t my intent. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I mean you’re great and all, but we work together.” Umm, DUDE. First off, you asked for a sleepover. A SLEEPOVER. Not once, but twice! Secondly , did you just reject me? Now it makes me look like an asshole.  I thought that was the end of it, but he still texts me borderline flirting texts. I’m just trying to keep my head down and not invite any assumptions about something going on. But, also, definitely not sleeping with him.

Another one has joined the ranks of the returnees. Let’s see, short history of Cowboy. I had a crush on this guy in high school, but he wouldn’t give me the time of day. Fast forward quite a few years (feeling old again!) and…hmm. How did that even start? Well, I do know that he had moved far away, to the Wild West-ish. (Hence-Cowboy. Although I already know you figured that out cause you’re so smart!) Maybe he’d messaged me on the Facebook that he was coming to visit? Sure, let’s go with that. Anyway we somehow ended up hanging out. We hung out quite a bit, I was so wonderful, he was so wonderful, blahblahblah. Sounds great, right? Wrong. He just kind of disappeared; didn't even say goodbye. I heard form him after a while: he was so sorry, he'd been scared, there were so many feels and he wanted to make it up to me. Umm...turns out...I had already committed...an infraction. Yeah I'm gonna leave it at that. Needless to say we didn't talk for a while. Eventually, though, we made up. 

Cowboy came back into town quite a while after that and wanted to see me again. It was wonderful, he was wonderful, blahblahblah. Great, right? A-wrong. He disappeared again. Well, I decided that was it. I was done. This was probably a year and a half to two years ago (old again). I put my foot down, I was cutting that out of my life. Go me, right? Wrongy-wrong-wrong-wrong. 

About a week ago Cowboy sent me a friend request on the Facebook. I thought about it for a few days, and I decided to accept. Last night, he sent me a message asking how I was. We talked a little bit and I'll admit I was terse. He brought up the elephant** in the room and acknowledged that I probably wasn't ecstatic to hear from him. So, we talked it out. It seems alright now...we'll see what happens. You know I'll keep you posted!

**Umm speaking of elephants, I read the worst article yesterday. Get ready for your heart to break into a bazillion pieces. Seriously, I'm warning you now. An elephant was recently born at a zoo in China and the mother rejected him and tried to trample him. SHE TRIED TO STOMP HER BABY TO DEATH. Fuck you, mother elephant. Well, the zookeepers thought it was an accident. So they cleaned him up and sent him back to his mama. He was all happy and "Mommy I love you" and she was all like "GAH WTF demon spawn!" And that bitch tried to trample him again. SHE TRIED TO STOMP HIM TO DEATH AGAIN. So, obviously not a mistake. The zookeepers took him away for good. He then proceeded to cry for five hours. THE BABY ELEPHANT CRIED FOR FIVE HOURS AND NOW I'M GOING TO CRY FOREVER AND FUCK YOU MOTHER ELEPHANT. The end. 

There are so many things that suck about heartbreak. SOOO many. One of the worst, though, is when people try to make you feel better about it. I'm aware that sounds backwards. Last night I was talking to friend of Elliot's, who started to tell me a story about him (Elliot) and another ex. I didn't really want to hear about it, and told him why. I had been screwed over by someone who was supposedly so just and fair. My friend's reply? "Your insecurity puzzles me." Apparently I'm not allowed to have feelings or emotions. I'll be the first to admit that I have self-esteem issues. But really. I listen to your problems all the time, let me have feels too! Sometimes I think people only talk to me so they can complain or unload their issues on someone. 

Today I talked to a kind of coworker that I haven't talked to in a long time. He's technically in a different government area, but works in my building. He asked how things are going with "my soldier"...obviously they're not. It turned into a sarcastic "Oh, I didn't see that one coming." Yeah, douchebag, why do you think this is the first you're hearing about it? He had actually tried to set me up with someone while Soldier and I were still together. So then he tried to backtrack with the--it's his loss, you're better off, you deserve better, blahblahblah. Good for me, right? W-R-O-N-G. I'm pretty sure it's my loss. Most likely when people say that crap, they really mean it. But it means nothing. It sounds like a big pile of shit. I'm not trying to date you, so the opinion (though very thoughtful) is useless. And saying those things doesn't actually make someone feel better. It just sounds like the big load of crap that it is. 

Umm...hmm. I'm sorry. This turned into a bitter post. I'm sleepy, I've been up too late the past couple nights. And people are crappy and make me feel bad. But mostly because THE ELEPHANT MOTHER IS AWFUL AND TRIED TO KILL HIM AND MADE HIM CRY FOR FIVE HOURS. FIIIVE HOOOUUURS. I want to give him a hug. 

I keep thinking more and more about my trip to Paris, I can't wait! Maybe I will just stay there. Eat croissants every morning, become a connoisseur of red wine, learn to analyze fine art. And aren't Frenchmen supposed to be terribly romantic and wonderful lovers? A girl can dream.