The Wedding Singer

Love stinks, yeah yeah. 

This wedding season, I will be providing two happy couples with vocals. This evening we had rehearsal to pick out songs for one of said couples. The overwhelming theme? Damn it, I am so socially awkward! My worry is that it comes across as rude or uppity, when I'm really just not entirely sure how to read the situation. 

The other theme? There was a baby. Screeeeeech! Back the truck up! let's take a little flashback on why that matters.

***My rheumatology appointment last week did not go as I wanted it to. The PA (I didn't actually see the doctor) was very confident I have an autoimmune disease. Apart from that being a devastating diagnosis, it was complete information overload. I'm still not sure I've processed it all. Anyway at one point he asked if I plan to have kids (and then he kindly told me he wouldn't be doing a pelvic exam...ummm...wtf...I hadn't even seen that as an option why would you do that stay away from my ladybits thanks very much) because that answer would make a difference in how they treated the problem. First instinct: more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, I want to be a mother. Second instinct: how can I determine that right now? I don't even have a significant other, let alone any actual plans to have children. Can I base my decision on a possible pipe dream? Do I get rid of the dream for a treatment that may be more effective? From there it kind of spirals to feeling 
very alone and like there's more I should be doing with my life. So. baby.***

The baby was adorable and sweet and flirty. And the bride is absolutely beautiful, and they're a great family, but she's the kind of girl who looks to everyone else to make the decisions. Is that where I'm wrong? But, of course, in trying to make plans for future rehearsals (when I said that I'm pretty open because I don't have much of a life...which is completely fine with me thankyouverymuch) I was told how beautiful I am and how I must have various suitors beating down my door. Harumph. 
So I promptly came home and cried trying to figure out these answers and trying to feel less alone. 

Something strange happened last night. Slight backup again.
This weekend I had a bit of a meltdown and I sent Soldier a FB message. I needed to get all of that clamor out of my head; and he's the perfect mix of separation and closeness. We chatted a bit and he told me he was there if I needed anything. He worded it a bit harshly, but with his normal demeanor it didn't bother me. Then yesterday he said he'd read it again and reworded it that if I needed anything he'd be there. After a couple of exchanges, he told me that he sometimes puts his foot in his mouth *especially when he's talking to pretty girls*
Screeeeeeeech
What? I tried to play coy and say he was in danger of flirting, and he responded just as coyly. Then he went on to say that it wasn't a secret anyway that I'm incredibly good looking and there's no way around it. We went back and forth till finally he invited me on a cross country road trip. Unfortunately, by that time, I'd taken extra pain killers for my legs and was sleeping. When I did see it, I emphatically agreed. (Although, half the time I just say that shit). 

Today I decided to give him a while to wake up. I was almost certain he'd been drunk the night before. This afternoon I thought about it and decided to take the joking route: I asked him if he was regretting the drunken antics. He said he wasn't. He hadn't expected me to agree to the roadtrip, but he didn't retract the invitation. 

I don't really know what to think. I obviously still miss him. I'm also trying not to overanalyze, but he admitted he was flirting. WHAAAA?


I dunno, kids. Everything is all topsy-turvy. What I can tell you is that I'd be the happiest little girl in the world to have a nice gentleman to rest my head upon. I'm not pushing it, though. I'll just keep playing as cool as my socially awkward non-rudeness can handle.