I Really Want to See you

Words that can make your heart skip a beat--good or bad. 

On Thursday, I finally got to see Bffffffffff again. We got all fancied up and met at a nice restaurant in a neighboring city. It started off wonderfully--the food was excellent, and we both had delicious pear martinis. We caught each other up on our lives and it was great to spend time with him again. Next stop was a dueling piano bar. More drinks and some shots of Patron. (Cause we're classy motherfuckers.) Then onto another bar, where I realized how drunk I was. With the stress of all the medical stuff, I've lost weight, and my alcohol tolerance isn't what it used to be...and it used to be abnormally high. Being a Thursday, most of the bars were pretty dead. I remember Bfffffffff and I sitting there, and I have a vague recollection that things started to get a little too deep for me. Apparently there's something about me that makes me the "What If" girl; this isn't the first guy that's had that feeling. I was uncomfortable and, being drunk, didn't hide it well. We got a cab to go to another bar, and I didn't like the idea of going far away from my car. When we got to the next establishment, it was really dead. Bfffffffff asked the cab driver to take me back to my car, and then him back to his hotel. For some reason I had a really, almost panicky discomfort with that evening. I still can't remember exactly why. I think it had to do with vulnerability. It's rather apparent that I don't handle it well when I feel vulnerable, and that's been amplified lately. Probably because of my newly found extreme cynicism. 

In my mind, the best option for me was to contact The Child. The Child (okay, in actuality he's only a couple years younger than me) is a character from quite a while ago. We had tried to date a couple of times and it just didn't work out very well. Eventually, for his benefit, I cut off all contact. A few weeks ago, during one of my crazy wake up in the middle of the night wide awake times, I found an old friend request from him on the Facebook and decided to accept it. 
So, I contacted him and he told me he was just down the road and would come meet me. He wasn't as close as he said, but it was a sweet exaggeration. So he met me and we ended up going back to his apartment. Which was a disaster. Gross. But that's beside the point. He was nice enough to let me stay the night. And, though he tried a little bit, he didn't completely push it and nothing happened. 

There was an oddity though. He kept saying, earnestly, that we should have a baby. He was completely serious; he wanted to get me pregnant. My drunk ass, especially with the concerns with medication, half considered it. Good thing it was only a half consideration. Finally I told him he'd have to marry me, and then we could talk about him getting me pregnant. Look at me being all sensible and shit! 
He's coming in to see me tonight. I feel obligated to tell him about the upcoming road trip, and I'm kind of dreading it. I know he's not going to like it, but I wouldn't either. Too bad, it's all planned and booked and I'm in. So he can either trust me and get over it, or get mad and fade into the background again. I'm find either way. Because I guess on top of being a cynic, I've become unfeeling. Good thing I'd have to have feelings to be bothered by that!

And now it's gotten trickier, because it seems I enjoy my life to be complicated. Wolverine, Jonathan Trager, and Dylan are all trying to get back in the picture. Wait, I can't entirely say that. Wolverine just wants to sleep with me, and Jonathan has only been supportive with the health stuff. I think he does still have feelings for me, and maybe always will, but he'll never put in the effort it really takes. Poor Jonathan keeps thinking things will work, and I absolutely know they won't. Some people just like to live in a fantasy world. So I've heard the phrase "I really want to see you" or some variation, about 4 times in the past few days. Unfortunately, it hasn't been giving me warm fuzzies. 
But am I capable of getting warm fuzzies anymore? Your guess is as good as mine.