Unsolicited Attention

Oh hey there, stalker. 
(You're obviously not doing a very good job as the point of stalking someone is for them to not know about it. And you're just right there, out in the open. Being all "Heeey, look at me! Over here! Hey, heyheyhey! Looove meeeee!" It's just not right. You fail at everything.)

Let me start by saying that I'm glad I postponed the rest until today....more has happened. Let's see...I think we stopped off Saturday morning. I say that, because it was about 5 by the time I felt okay to sleep. I'm so glad I had Wolverine here, I just felt so much better. He had to get up in the morning so I was up at about 9. I mostly did stuff around the house, and felt okay I guess, just very tired and worn out. Well, I thought so at least. At one point I went outside to look for a package and I got spooked; I had to run back inside. I think my head had this idea of the house being a safe space and being outside was open and risky. So I stayed inside for the rest of the day until one of my girl friends came over and we went out for a girls night.

Side note: I love the girls nights we have. But, it was Soldier's cousin and best friend's wife. So, while I wouldn't give those nights up for anything, they make me feel like my heart has been re-ripped out of my chest. I hate having to hear about him and what they're doing, I still feel like I should be part of the group.

It was great...we got pedicures and went out for dinner, and then one of the girls came over to hang out for a bit. I was fine. Sunday was okay, until it started to get later in the day and my parents weren't home yet. Luckily, Lindbergh cashed in the raincheck to hang out. At some point, I got a text from the guy (sorry, he's not even worth an alias) asking if we weren't talking anymore. Tip: if you have to ask, you already know the answer! So, I didn't give him one, thinking it would be the end of that. Man, I'm so wrong lately!

Monday was a typical Monday. I didn't really want to tell everyone about my weekend, so I tried to gloss over it. Nope. I received flowers at work. (They're really pretty, but I just can't appreciate them as much as I'd like to). I was pretty sure they were from the guy and hesitated in opening the card...I should have not opened it at all. It had a quote from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. This is pertinent because it's a play I had a leading role in when I was in high school. I played Titania, and we actually flew (it was freaking awesome!). The card went on to say that it was the earliest memory he had of me, and that he was sorry. 
To be honest, I was pissed. He had made me question my safety, which I could halfway conceal. Now he was affecting my work? Fuck that shit. I love my job and I'm relatively good at it, and I want that kind of crap staying out of it. So it was kind of another blow to my security and my somewhat stable life. What really made me livid was all of my coworkers asking about it. I don't want them to know what a mess my life really is! But of course people ask when you get flowers. Everyone does. I do. Well, a few of them bugged me about it until I told them the story...then they felt bad for asking. I was panicked, and a few male coworkers were nice enough to walk me to my car after work. 
The 'rents were home when I got there, which was a bit of a relief. I was okay until I got a text asking if I got the flowers. Then I started to crack a bit again. I said yes. Then I got this apology, that he thinks I'm great, that he's sorry he put me in that position (does he even realize?), and that he understands if I want him to back off. I figured my lack of response was response enough. Guess what....w-r-o-n-g. 

Oh, I missed a part. On Monday, I got a text from Jonathan asking how my weekend was. I was leery, and somehow got my point across that my feelings were hurt; that I would really have liked to see him while he was in town. We kind of hashed it out a bit; he let me know that he was thinking of me and missing me, even if I didn't realize it. It meant a lot to me. As you've probably noticed, I'm needy with attention. I question things a lot and need affirmation. So, we talked about it quite a bit and we have plans for me to visit next weekend. I really really wish it was this weekend, but I'll take what I can get. 

Sorry, getting back to the story. Now it's Wednesday (and I should be sleeping, I'm staying up just for you. You should feel guilty, it's actually affecting my health!). Yesterday evening my boss asked me to help with a tour this morning and I accepted without a second thought. That's one of the things I love about my boss and job; I'm trusted enough to be able to handle important things at the last minute. With the tour in mind, Jonathan helped me pick out a professional but attractive outfit for work. Sorry, off topic again. I was on my way to work this morning and got a text from him saying that he thought  he'd be at my office. It didn't take long to make the connection. 
I could have let somebody know, but I didn't. My boss is a wonderful lady, and she would have taken the responsibility by herself if I'd told her, and I wasn't about to make her do that. On the other hand, I didn't want to look like I couldn't handle things. So I kept it in and fought nausea for most of the day. 
The tour went fine, but I didn't like it. I don't him anywhere near me and I'd like to just pretend that all of this crap didn't happen. Here's the thing: I know there's a good chance that I'm overreacting...to me, that doesn't matter. If someone makes me feel unsafe for one second, that's too much. I shouldn't even have to give that a thought. So, I'm probably overreacting, it's probably fine; I'm not taking a chance on probably. That's it, end of discussion. Anyway I got back to my desk after the tour and there were 3 texts from him. Nothing worth repeating; just trying to talk to me and act like everything was fine. I again ignored it. 

The stress of this is catching up with me. I don't exactly handle stress well, I keep it all up inside and it starts to hurt my muscles and joints. I know I'm going to have to eventually shut it down, but I'm not prepared for that. I'd like to be able to ignore problems and have them go away (so would everyone else, amirite). 
For now, it's bedtime. Past bedtime. I'd be okay with not having new stuff to post for a few days...but if anything "exciting" happens, you know that you'll be the first to know!

Digging a Hole

In which our unfortunate heroine finds she may be in over her head. 

I've been procrastinating on writing this post. Even now, while I have it started, I'm probably going to keep going back to the Pinterest and the Facebook and it'll take a long time to get through this. The past week or so has been all over the place. 

Last week (was it only a week ago?), I relented and talked to Cowboy. It was nice to catch up. There are a few guys that I'll probably always hold a candle for, and he's one of them. Why? I'm not entirely sure. But, I was wary at first to talk to him and then, as can be predicted, I kind of caved. Then we were just catching up and I really liked it. He quickly suggested I come visit him and started looking for plane tickets, even saying he'd just get them and asked what dates would work. I was really sleepy and couldn't think, and I wasn't entirely sure what to do about Jonathan. I told him not to order them and that I'd check it out the next day. So I sent him a text the next day and he said he'd call me after work. Suuurpriiiise...he didn't. Haven't heard from him since. 

So with that, let's check up on Jonathan. I like him, I really do. I just don't know what he's thinking...I can't tell that he's really interested in something with me. I don't know. Anyway he turned out to be in town this weekend for a wedding. I found out the location this week, and was more than a little hurt that he was going to be in town and didn't care about seeing me. So at that he sent me a sad face and I sent a terse message back. He didn't answer, and I thought he'd stopped talking to me. He happens to have just sent me a text though. He's making his schedule for next month and wants to take a weekend off to see me. That's good, right? Shit. I almost feel like it's time for the dreaded conversation...but I absolutely hate that. Everybody hates that. I just hate the relationship limbo. Which leads me...to the awful that was this past Friday night. 

There's been a guy that's been wanting to hang out, so I finally gave in. We went for drinks after work, and it was fine. Later on, he was at a party out by my house and wanted to come over. I wasn't sure, but he told me he just wanted to be friends and that we'd just hang out and it'd be fun. So, fine, he came over. Well apparently "being friends" is guy speak for "I'mma try and get all up in yo business." I should have known that. Anyway that happened, and I didn't really appreciate it. I know, I know, how ungrateful of me. I decided it was time to part ways, I wasn't really feeling the turn the night was taking. 
I tried to move things in the leaving direction, and he started talking about how wonderful I am. He conveniently snuck in there that he wanted to know where my bed was-umm NO. How he really wants to get to know me and wants me to get to know him...he even cried. HE CRIED.  C-R-I-E-D. Dude. Even if I wasn't already half creeped out, yeah, I'd like to be the woman in the relationship. So, obviously, things are starting to get weirder and more uncomfortable. Well, I accidentally went into emotionless-cutthroat-bitch mode. By that, I mean I just stopped caring. I wanted him out and I wanted him out NOW. Something about it just seemed really off...I know this is exaggerating, but the kind of manipulation an abuser uses. So, I told him I thought he was trying to be manipulative and I wasn't buying it, and that it was time to go. He got upset that I thought he was being manipulative, but he left.

Scratch that, he "left." He kept calling and, when I looked out my window, his car was still in the driveway. No thanks! I didn't answer the calls, but then he came back to the door. NO THANKS. He asked if he could stay over; he wasn't sure he could drive. 
I know this sounds really bad on my part. I'm okay with that. It probably would have been fine, probably wouldn't have been a big deal. But when you make me question my safety and well-being, probably isn't good enough. Besides that, he had 2 or 3 beers...and making sure he's sober isn't my responsibility. So, I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea and I wasn't comfortable with it. He got offended and asked if I thought he was "that kind of guy." I'm pretty proud of my witty response: "every guy is that kind of guy." He got pissed and stormed off, then send me angry texts. 

I'm not sure exactly what snapped right then, and I'm not sure why I felt so wrong about everything that happened...but at that moment I broke down. I couldn't handle it, I felt like I was completely vulnerable and exposed. I sobbed and looked around for some sort of protection while trying to make it seem like I wasn't even moving. Like if I hid I could pretend I wasn't there. I sent texts to Soldier and his best friend, hoping one of them would be awake and keep me safe. They didn't answer, and I got the idea to text Wolverine. Thankfully, he was awake and came over. I remember burying my face in his chest and just clutching at him and being slightly hysterical. But, I was able to sleep because I know he'd never let anything happen to me, and I knew that I was okay with him there. 

I know I'm not ending on a happy note, but it's way past my bedtime. I'll try and continue the story tomorrow. Jusqu'a demain mes amis! 

Hodgepodge

“A good story should make you laugh, and a moment later break your heart.”—Chuck Palahniuk

Now we get into some random events and musings over the past week or so. Different parts will have different fonts. 

We start back at the conference.

I have a coworker (Foxx) who, for a while, may or may not have been hitting on me. I didn’t want to read too much into it, and I didn’t want to acknowledge it if he was. He’s the kind of guy that is a little loud and boisterous, and kind of seems like he’s trying to cover up some insecurities. Seriously, the guy is more of a diva than I am…and that’s saying a lot. A LOT…I mean I’m more diva than most girls. Anyway, more and more, he would say things that made me lean toward the yes. I just kept ignoring it.

Some of us carpooled, and he had put dibs on riding with me. Well, when it came time to leave, he was a little behind so he didn't end up riding in my car. I was okay with that. I didn’t really want to listen to him for the two hour car ride. Eh, none of that really has any bearing on the rest of the story. Let’s see, what did I leave out from the last post? I’m too lazy to look, so some of this might be overlap. Sorry! But not really.

The first night of the conference, there was a networking reception, which included drinks. We all got a little bit socially lubricated, and continued the party in the casino. Somewhere in there, Foxx started texting me. Innocent, right? Wrong. Eventually he point blank asked me to have a sleepover. Uh, we all know he didn’t intend any sleeping to be going on. I declined, and he said he wanted to reserve my evening for the following day. I didn’t confirm (and as we already know, I ended up spending both evenings with Jonathan). The next day I felt a little awkward and tried to see him as little as possible without making it too obvious. Then, again, the booze flowed. He’s actually the coworker I took tequila shots with, but everything was innocent and cordial. I could tell he was trying to butter me up, but I did my best to act innocent and unassuming. That all went fine and just as I was getting back to meet Jonathan, he wanted to know about our sleepover that night. It was a little late, I could pretend that I was sleeping; I just didn’t answer.

Problem solved, right? Wrong. The day that we got back was a short one, and I made a beeline to my house and my bed. He continued to text me and tell me how fun it was to take shots and that we should hang out. At this point I figured I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. So, I tried to be diplomatic and say that we worked together and that it might be prudent to be careful on that end. Well, of course that turned into “oh, no, that wasn’t my intent. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I mean you’re great and all, but we work together.” Umm, DUDE. First off, you asked for a sleepover. A SLEEPOVER. Not once, but twice! Secondly , did you just reject me? Now it makes me look like an asshole.  I thought that was the end of it, but he still texts me borderline flirting texts. I’m just trying to keep my head down and not invite any assumptions about something going on. But, also, definitely not sleeping with him.

Another one has joined the ranks of the returnees. Let’s see, short history of Cowboy. I had a crush on this guy in high school, but he wouldn’t give me the time of day. Fast forward quite a few years (feeling old again!) and…hmm. How did that even start? Well, I do know that he had moved far away, to the Wild West-ish. (Hence-Cowboy. Although I already know you figured that out cause you’re so smart!) Maybe he’d messaged me on the Facebook that he was coming to visit? Sure, let’s go with that. Anyway we somehow ended up hanging out. We hung out quite a bit, I was so wonderful, he was so wonderful, blahblahblah. Sounds great, right? Wrong. He just kind of disappeared; didn't even say goodbye. I heard form him after a while: he was so sorry, he'd been scared, there were so many feels and he wanted to make it up to me. Umm...turns out...I had already committed...an infraction. Yeah I'm gonna leave it at that. Needless to say we didn't talk for a while. Eventually, though, we made up. 

Cowboy came back into town quite a while after that and wanted to see me again. It was wonderful, he was wonderful, blahblahblah. Great, right? A-wrong. He disappeared again. Well, I decided that was it. I was done. This was probably a year and a half to two years ago (old again). I put my foot down, I was cutting that out of my life. Go me, right? Wrongy-wrong-wrong-wrong. 

About a week ago Cowboy sent me a friend request on the Facebook. I thought about it for a few days, and I decided to accept. Last night, he sent me a message asking how I was. We talked a little bit and I'll admit I was terse. He brought up the elephant** in the room and acknowledged that I probably wasn't ecstatic to hear from him. So, we talked it out. It seems alright now...we'll see what happens. You know I'll keep you posted!

**Umm speaking of elephants, I read the worst article yesterday. Get ready for your heart to break into a bazillion pieces. Seriously, I'm warning you now. An elephant was recently born at a zoo in China and the mother rejected him and tried to trample him. SHE TRIED TO STOMP HER BABY TO DEATH. Fuck you, mother elephant. Well, the zookeepers thought it was an accident. So they cleaned him up and sent him back to his mama. He was all happy and "Mommy I love you" and she was all like "GAH WTF demon spawn!" And that bitch tried to trample him again. SHE TRIED TO STOMP HIM TO DEATH AGAIN. So, obviously not a mistake. The zookeepers took him away for good. He then proceeded to cry for five hours. THE BABY ELEPHANT CRIED FOR FIVE HOURS AND NOW I'M GOING TO CRY FOREVER AND FUCK YOU MOTHER ELEPHANT. The end. 

There are so many things that suck about heartbreak. SOOO many. One of the worst, though, is when people try to make you feel better about it. I'm aware that sounds backwards. Last night I was talking to friend of Elliot's, who started to tell me a story about him (Elliot) and another ex. I didn't really want to hear about it, and told him why. I had been screwed over by someone who was supposedly so just and fair. My friend's reply? "Your insecurity puzzles me." Apparently I'm not allowed to have feelings or emotions. I'll be the first to admit that I have self-esteem issues. But really. I listen to your problems all the time, let me have feels too! Sometimes I think people only talk to me so they can complain or unload their issues on someone. 

Today I talked to a kind of coworker that I haven't talked to in a long time. He's technically in a different government area, but works in my building. He asked how things are going with "my soldier"...obviously they're not. It turned into a sarcastic "Oh, I didn't see that one coming." Yeah, douchebag, why do you think this is the first you're hearing about it? He had actually tried to set me up with someone while Soldier and I were still together. So then he tried to backtrack with the--it's his loss, you're better off, you deserve better, blahblahblah. Good for me, right? W-R-O-N-G. I'm pretty sure it's my loss. Most likely when people say that crap, they really mean it. But it means nothing. It sounds like a big pile of shit. I'm not trying to date you, so the opinion (though very thoughtful) is useless. And saying those things doesn't actually make someone feel better. It just sounds like the big load of crap that it is. 

Umm...hmm. I'm sorry. This turned into a bitter post. I'm sleepy, I've been up too late the past couple nights. And people are crappy and make me feel bad. But mostly because THE ELEPHANT MOTHER IS AWFUL AND TRIED TO KILL HIM AND MADE HIM CRY FOR FIVE HOURS. FIIIVE HOOOUUURS. I want to give him a hug. 

I keep thinking more and more about my trip to Paris, I can't wait! Maybe I will just stay there. Eat croissants every morning, become a connoisseur of red wine, learn to analyze fine art. And aren't Frenchmen supposed to be terribly romantic and wonderful lovers? A girl can dream.  

Mixing Business and Pleasure

Old flames they can warm you tonight, so keep it cool my baby...

The agency where I work is part of a statewide system, and every year they hold an annual conference. I wasn't supposed to go this year, but the opportunity arose and I snatched it up. I love to learn new things about my work...but it didn't hurt that the 3 day conference happened to be at a casino. My job doesn't at all require traveling, so it's nice when that's an option. 

***Alright, time for some back story. This one brings Jonathan into the story. (That's as in Jonathan Trager from the movie Serendipity. It's a fitting alias). 
I met Jonathan years ago, I think I was 18 or 19 (GAWD that makes me feel old). It was terrible timing; I wasn't exactly emotionally stable, and he was about to become a father from a one night stand. SPOILER ALERT: it didn't work out. (What's completely asinine is that is not the only time the situation has happened. Except the second time I was smart enough to not listen when I was told that it would be okay, and that the baby wouldn't change anything between us.) Anyway Jonathan had that stuff going on, and I had issues of my own, so we parted ways. A few years later we started talking a little bit again. We saw each other once, something happened to make him pull away, we parted ways again. He would send me messages every once in a while and I didn't answer much. He even sent a message in July, which I still have no recollection of...but it's surely there. Okay, I think that's it in a nutshell.***

Well, a few days before the conference, I was feeling particularly shitty. I wrote on my Facebook that I felt insignificant and useless...of course hoping to get some words of encouragement. Jonathan sent me a message that things would get better. I took about a day and a half, but I finally messaged back and told him I'd be up in his neck of the woods for the conference. He suggested we meet for a drink, I agreed. 

The conference started on a Sunday, and he expected to be working a little too late that night for us to hang out. I had expected to a responsible employee and go to bed at a decent time...hahaha. Silly me! About 6 drinks and 2 shots later, I headed back up to meet with Jonathan. It was nice; we caught up little and cuddled a little and just hung out. It felt very natural...not the kind of catching up where you have to spend tons of time talking about everything that's been going on...just kind of chatting, seeing what the other one was up to. I don't know how to describe it. 
Well, Monday was rough. I was hungover and incredibly tired, but rallied later on. Jonathan wasn't feeling fantastic either, and we went back and forth on hanging out. He told me that he'd realized the night before that he wants to see me more. Part of me wanted to leave it, part of me agreed with him. Well, I had some (okay, a lot) of shots with a coworker, played in the casino (not by myself) a little bit, and then rushed back up to meet him again. He brought a bottle of wine and it was gone by the time he left. (Which, if I'm divulging, I don't remember. I was sleeping, but apparently I made it difficult because I wouldn't let go of his arm. Even unconscious Laura is needy!) 
I do remember my alarm going off in the morning and a panicky feeling to turn it off because it'd wake Jonathan. Then I had this strange feeling--kind of a deflation, kind of when the wind gets knocked out of you, I'm not sure I've ever really felt that kind of sad disappointment--when I realized he wasn't there. It was odd. 

So, of course the next day was even worse. I probably would have stuck around to see Jonathan again, but a coworker was riding back with me. We Skyped the next day, and talked about seeing each other again. With his schedule, that won't be anytime soon, but we'll see what happens. 

I'm not sure how he keeps grabbing at my emotions this way. I'll go months or years without talking to him, and then it's like a switch flips and there it is again. 

There's a lot more that's happened since the start of the conference until now, but I'll save that till tomorrow. The long (and very drunken) nights messed with my body, and now I'm trying to make up for it. I loved the time I had at the conference...but I'm getting too old for this shit. 

Free Fallin

And I didn't even have to join the mile high club!

Wow. Just, completely, WOW. This weekend was definitely an adventure. It started off super early...but...I forgot about the time change, so we were an hour early. It wasn't a big deal, especially since there was a bit of a weather delay when we got there. We went through the prep stuff and expected to wait for a few minutes. An instructor (I'm not sure that's the correct term, but I can't think of a better one) came out and called my name, then kind of started yelling at me that I needed to hurry. Oh, you know, I'd only been waiting there for about an hour and a half so it's cool to now rush me. 
We went over to the hangar and the instructor started putting my harness on and told me I'd be his second jump (they would do one, run back and change chutes, and take the other) and that he'd explain everything when he got back down. He seemed like a huge ass-face. So I was just standing there, strapped into the harness, and Wolverine and his cousin Sparty were still over by the car. Oh, and I was getting ready to jump out of a mother-fucking plane! I was not feeling great about it. The rest of the people who were in my group started chatting with me, so I started to feel a bit better. One of the staff was going in my group to do a video with someone, and he was all excited about jumping. He was a total Bro, but it was also kind of cool to hear how stoked he was. We all watched the first group come down, then my guy came over and started securing the harness and explaining things a little more. 

We all got on the plane, the energy was high, I started to actually look forward to it. I was last out...I didn't even really have a problem standing at the opening of the plane. It was just so COOL. They explained that you don't feel like you're falling, it feels more like floating; I thought that sounded like bullshit. But it's true...it was just peaceful. Plummeting to the ground at 120 mph and it was peaceful hahaha! Really though. When the chute opened it was actually a little less comfortable because of the harness, but it was still peaceful...just floating down over everything. 
I had asked my guy if he did the spins that they'd shown us, so he did some of that with me. It was crazy, it felt like we were going so much faster. So we were just chatting and floating and he goes "have you ever been inside a cloud?" Okay, it's not really allowed to do that (and by "not really" I mean it's completely illegal), I think he only did because it was a light fluffy one. SO AMAZING! It was obviously a lot more humid, but it had a different consistency, almost like a soft feeling against my skin. I HUNG OUT IN A CLOUD. It's just incredible to me. We landed, everything went off without a hitch, and I can't freaking wait to see the pictures!!! 

Wolverine and Sparty were at the hangar when I came in, gearing up. They were really glad that I had a good time and couldn't wait to go up. At this point the staff decided to wait for a bit again because the weather was starting to look angry. We waited for a bit, then the head guy (I don't know if he owns or manages the place or what) told us it was going to be a while before they'd fly again and recommended a restaurant. We went for lunch at some place that seemed super dive-y, but the food was fantastic. Unfortunately, it started down-pouring while we were there. We ate and went back to hang out. And we waited, and waited, and waited. We chatted with some of the other people there, so it wasn't all bad. I talked with Bro while the guys were trying to figure out what to do...there's a lot more to skydiving than I realized. One thing I was right about is that the people who do that for a living are crazy! 

While I chatted with Bro, he said something about my escorts, asking if one was my boyfriend. Of course I said no, and he asked to keep in touch on Facebook. I then took his number so I could check on when Wolverine and Sparty might be able to jump. I sent a flirty text that night, and spent most of the next day chatting with Bro. Turns out, homeboy is 21. Twenty-freaking-one. But, of course, "age is just a number." I find that phrase ridiculous and amusing, because it's only used by young people. Ever. 
He wants to hang out, to teach me how to solo jump, to see my smile. Oh well, it's amusement for me. Maybe I'll get to do some free skydiving, and have some crazy experiences. Why not? YOLO and all that. (Another young person phrase).

Second City was so freaking amazing I can't handle it. I cried so hard that I laughed. Just...just so ridiculously funny. We had some drinks at the show and decided to go to a bar afterwards (of course). I don't even remember what we were talking about, but Wolverine said something about me not knowing what I want, in regards to dating or guys or something. I guess I had a pretty descriptive look on my face; Wolverine paused and said "Oh you do know...it's your ex." So...awesome. This weekend I was the girl that everybody hates; the sad girl crying in the bar. It went downhill from there. Yup, there we go...Soldier has pretty much turned my life upside down.  

Maybe there is some truth to the age-number thing. Who knows...everything that seemed to be so cut and dry and make sense is changing. And I've spent my day texting a 21 year old who makes a living jumping out of planes. This is a crazy-topsy-turvy world we live in.