The celebration of love
Ah, Valentine's Day. Tee was finishing up a cruise, so he was out of the state. I was okay with that; I've never been a huge fan of the holiday. But, I did decide to try and be a good girlfriend.
Before he left, I had Tee make a grocery list. I shopped so he'd have food when he got back, and cleared off his driveway. I also left a card and present waiting. In the card, I told him that I'd picked 20 things I appreciate about him and enjoy about us...and that he had to find them throughout his house. I would also like to say that I drove out there in a near-blizzard and it took me double the time it usually does. GF of the year right here, thankyouverymuch.
I was excited to see him. But, atypically, I had enjoyed my entire time of being alone. (Did I mention that my roomies were gone too? They all decided to cruise at the same time. Without me. Jerks.) Does this mean I'm actually turning into an adult? NOOOOO! I wasn't even overly irritated at having to get up early and take care of the dog. It's concerning.
After some hangups getting a ride from the airport, I finally got to see Tee in the afternoon the day after Valentine's. He was happy to see me, and it was good to see him. He brought me some jewelry...not Tiffany's...but some lovely earrings and a few necklace freebies. I really was glad to see him, promise, and not just for the presents. I took him out to dinner and then continued straightening up the house when we got back. I was putting the tissue paper back in the gift bag when I found something else inside. He took a deck of cards and wrote out "52 reasons I love you." Yup. Those words. Those words.
Interestingly enough, he and I both picked a lot of the same reasons for...appreciating...each other.
The following weekend we decided to go for a nice post-Valentine's dinner. We got dressed up for a nice seafood dinner, it was great. Except it's still too cold. Then I spent most of the remaining weekend crafting for his basement bar "we're" working on. It's so cute, it's hockey themed. And apparently I'm pretty good at artsing and crafting.
Last weekend I went shopping with Meredith. It was really nice. I enjoy hanging out with her, and it was nice to get out for a bit. Then we had a birthday party for one of Tee's cousins; I really like spending time with his family. Well, my parents were there too. Sunday we went to Mass like good little Catholics, to a brewery with my parents and Tee's brother, and...I dunno something else. The point is, I've been busy, okay?! Sad as it is, I don't love having a life.
And that brings me to now-ish. I'm tired, guys. My legs are starting to act up and swell a bit, slowly. I guess a slight perk of all that is having to take breaks somewhat frequently. Which brings me to the next trip--DC at the end of the month. The Sis and BroInLaw are there before heading to their next post, and I'm really excited to see them before they go.
Oh. I forgot things. Last weekend my car started acting up really badly. Since Tee lives almost an hour away, I was really debating what to do. Until he brought it up, it absolutely didn't occur to me to have him follow me home (he had to come into town anyway). I didn't think of "we have to figure this out," I thought of "I have to figure this out." But, we came up with a plan. I was going to put the extra craft stuff away and he told me to put it in the computer room. I joked (as I have many times before) that he must have meant my dressing room. He hugged me and said it'd be my dressing room very soon. I freaked. I'm glad he couldn't see my face. I was turned toward the bookcase, so the only thing I could think to say was "put some books on that bookshelf." What does that say about me?
Then, this weekend, we were laying in bed chatting (I was trying to convince myself to get up). We were spooning (I really hate that term, I'm not sure why), and he always holds me really close, and he whispered, right into my ear, the words. THE WORDS. Then all of a sudden I kind of mumbled a reciprocation. And I guess in a strange, small way it's true.
He's so lovey. Why does that bother me? It'd be nice to have someone more like me--a combination of on and off; enjoying time together and time apart. I guess, given recent events and introspection, I'll never be a Cinderella.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
A Sense of Community
Small Town, USA
First I have to say that I'm really irritated because I had this post about halfway done and then for some reason it didn't save and now it's lost in the interwebz. And I've been working on Phantom of the Wedding stuff so now I have to try and remember everything. And I also have to try and be as witty as I was. Laaame.
This past weekend (which is now a couple weekends ago), Tee and his brother and I hopped in the car and headed north. They were taking part in an annual hockey tournament, and I was going along for the adventure. We drove for about 6 hours, and you all know how much I love that. But I drove the last couple of hours, with Tee navigating. We kept driving out into the middle of nowhere until we got to a gorgeous house on a bay, really in the middle of nowhere. We were staying with the boys' aunt and uncle for the weekend.
Tee and I went for a little walk out on the bay, and we found shelf ice, which I thought was really cool. That's where the wind and such pushes the already frozen ice up and...spoiler alert!...it looks like a shelf. Here's a picture. I did not take it.
While we were wandering along I found one...thing...where two pieces of the ice jutted into each other. It looked kind of like a little ice tent that I thought I might be able to just fit into. And of course I wiggled my way in there. I do regret that neither of us had a camera.
Later on we had a yummy family dinner, with some yummier wine, and headed to the local inn after. It was this cute little bed and breakfast type place but also had a bar and restaurant. Tee's aunt took me around and showed me all these old pictures of the town; it was really neat. After a couple drinks we were all ready to cash in.
The next day was the hockey tourney. It was a lot of fun. But it was really freaking cold. It was supposed to start at noon, but apparently that was really only when people were getting there. It was neat though--everyone was so nice and welcoming. It did freak me out that everyone had their trucks parked on the bay...on the actual ice. Growing up with that sort of stuff, I've never felt a need to test the thickness and stability of the ice. It was fine though, and everyone made it out unscathed. In fact, there were some sort of frozen bubbles in the ice:
First I have to say that I'm really irritated because I had this post about halfway done and then for some reason it didn't save and now it's lost in the interwebz. And I've been working on Phantom of the Wedding stuff so now I have to try and remember everything. And I also have to try and be as witty as I was. Laaame.
This past weekend (which is now a couple weekends ago), Tee and his brother and I hopped in the car and headed north. They were taking part in an annual hockey tournament, and I was going along for the adventure. We drove for about 6 hours, and you all know how much I love that. But I drove the last couple of hours, with Tee navigating. We kept driving out into the middle of nowhere until we got to a gorgeous house on a bay, really in the middle of nowhere. We were staying with the boys' aunt and uncle for the weekend.
Tee and I went for a little walk out on the bay, and we found shelf ice, which I thought was really cool. That's where the wind and such pushes the already frozen ice up and...spoiler alert!...it looks like a shelf. Here's a picture. I did not take it.
While we were wandering along I found one...thing...where two pieces of the ice jutted into each other. It looked kind of like a little ice tent that I thought I might be able to just fit into. And of course I wiggled my way in there. I do regret that neither of us had a camera.
Later on we had a yummy family dinner, with some yummier wine, and headed to the local inn after. It was this cute little bed and breakfast type place but also had a bar and restaurant. Tee's aunt took me around and showed me all these old pictures of the town; it was really neat. After a couple drinks we were all ready to cash in.
The next day was the hockey tourney. It was a lot of fun. But it was really freaking cold. It was supposed to start at noon, but apparently that was really only when people were getting there. It was neat though--everyone was so nice and welcoming. It did freak me out that everyone had their trucks parked on the bay...on the actual ice. Growing up with that sort of stuff, I've never felt a need to test the thickness and stability of the ice. It was fine though, and everyone made it out unscathed. In fact, there were some sort of frozen bubbles in the ice:
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Tee played two games and then decided he was finished. I was good with that, since I was frickin freezin out there, Mr. Bigglesworth. We rushed back to get ready to go visit with my Brother, SisInLaw, and Nephew. As I was rushing, I got a random phone call from (what I thought was) the area code of my college town. Turns out it was the Red Cross, and the guy had his whole spiel out before I could let him know that I was diagnosed with autoimmune and wasn't sure I could donate. I thought that'd be an easy out, but he was good. He proposed that I make an appointment and afterwards check to see my eligibility. I just wanted to get off the phone, so I said fine. When I checked later, it turns out I am eligible. Bugger. Not that I don't want to help...I just have this tiny issue of my fragile health condition. Alright, fragile might be a little strong. But it is kind of a loose cannon. I might just not go, which I know is rude, but I feel like I was backed into a corner. Meh.
So we drove a little over an hour to see my fam and OHMYGOSH my nephew is such a little pumpkin! (Isn't it weird that we give babies weird nicknames that don't even make sense? Like, obviously he's not a pumpkin. But it just seems so cute to give them random nicknames like that. We're weird.)
Anywaysies at one point I picked him up and all of a sudden he put his little arms around my neck and gave me a hug. It was the best thing in the world! Then he did that cute baby thing where they don't really know how to kiss so they just kind of suction onto your face. So cute.
I also loved getting to hang out with Bro and SisInLaw. SisInLaw sells ItWorks! stuff, so she did a wrap on me at a restaurant. Twas a very strange experience, but also a lot of fun. We didn't stay long, then made the trek back and met Tee's family back at the Inn.
It was karaoke night, and Tee's aunt kept trying to badger me into singing. I kept putting it off, and finally the proprietor brought out his guitar for a solo open-mic night. Thankfully. (I'm not sure if I've mentioned my feelings on karaoke. There's always one or two people who think they're the best singer in the world, and they're...really not. People who's opinions I care about like my singing, so I don't want to be that guy.)
About the time karaoke stopped, we all decided it would be a good time to call it a night. As we were bundling up and saying our goodbyes, the owner stopped us. He wanted to sing a song for Tee and I. We waited and a couple people came up to tell us what a cool thing it was to get that song; it really, really was.
The next day we made the roughly 6 hour drive back. I drove for 4 of those hours, which I'm kind of excited about...because I was able to drive for 4 hours.
I was exhausted after the weekend, and it took a long time for me to rest up. It was a nice weekend away in the cozy winter wonderland. Now I'd be happy for a weekend in a sandy paradise.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Offspring
Continue rant.
I can't believe I forgot to touch on vaccines in the last post, especially since it's such a hot topic in the US right now. And, I'm not sure if I've mentioned it to you guys, but my immune system is slightly suppressed (did I lace that with enough sarcasm?). So I'm not really a fan of the current measles outbreak. Like, really really not a fan. So let's talk about this. Or, let me talk about it!
Perhaps it would be good to start with Jenny McCarthy. Poor Jenny McCarthy, who was simply a concerned mother. Tireless Jenny McCarthy who, when her child was diagnosed with autism, made it her mission to "cure" him and to find out how it possibly could have happened. Brilliant Jenny McCarthy, who...somehow...discovered that the culprit was vaccination. It's really not surprising that she was able to come to this conclusion, given her impressive resume. A high school diploma and some time in college, Playboy Playmate of the Year, and list of dumb-blonde-slapstick-comedy acting roles. Here are some of her best quotes: "I was a puke brunette." "I don't sleep in anything. I have to be nude, and if I'm not, I end up ripping my clothes off in the middle of the night." "There was a problem with studios how to write for me. It's a complex kind of character I am, because I'm built like a bunny but I talk like a dude."
Ah, just inspiring. She only speaks on the real, important issues. It's no wonder that people listen to her over the scientists and doctors who have spent years studying and working with these diseases. They don't hold a candle to her!
Okay, okay, I'll be fair. It really is understandable that the anti-vaccine crowd doesn't just want to pour money into "big pharma." But I wonder...do these people take vitamins, or medicine when they're not feeling well? If they get diabetes or cancer, will they decide against insulin or chemo? If they need stitches, will they refuse local anesthesia? Because, unless you go completely off the grid and disconnect from society, it's near impossible to pay into the pharmaceutical companies.
Many parents feel that they know what's best for their children. Well, they do. Except when they're fostering the return of debilitating, highly contagious diseases. Sometimes the government needs to step in and make laws, because you're making freaking stupid decisions for yourself and your kids!
The experts say a new outbreak is what's needed for people to once again see the necessity for vaccination. That's scary. Both for the idea of people's shortsightedness, and the people who are getting sick.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: WHAT is wrong with people? Maybe going completely off the grid and disconnecting from society isn't such a bad idea.
I can't believe I forgot to touch on vaccines in the last post, especially since it's such a hot topic in the US right now. And, I'm not sure if I've mentioned it to you guys, but my immune system is slightly suppressed (did I lace that with enough sarcasm?). So I'm not really a fan of the current measles outbreak. Like, really really not a fan. So let's talk about this. Or, let me talk about it!
Perhaps it would be good to start with Jenny McCarthy. Poor Jenny McCarthy, who was simply a concerned mother. Tireless Jenny McCarthy who, when her child was diagnosed with autism, made it her mission to "cure" him and to find out how it possibly could have happened. Brilliant Jenny McCarthy, who...somehow...discovered that the culprit was vaccination. It's really not surprising that she was able to come to this conclusion, given her impressive resume. A high school diploma and some time in college, Playboy Playmate of the Year, and list of dumb-blonde-slapstick-comedy acting roles. Here are some of her best quotes: "I was a puke brunette." "I don't sleep in anything. I have to be nude, and if I'm not, I end up ripping my clothes off in the middle of the night." "There was a problem with studios how to write for me. It's a complex kind of character I am, because I'm built like a bunny but I talk like a dude."
Ah, just inspiring. She only speaks on the real, important issues. It's no wonder that people listen to her over the scientists and doctors who have spent years studying and working with these diseases. They don't hold a candle to her!
Okay, okay, I'll be fair. It really is understandable that the anti-vaccine crowd doesn't just want to pour money into "big pharma." But I wonder...do these people take vitamins, or medicine when they're not feeling well? If they get diabetes or cancer, will they decide against insulin or chemo? If they need stitches, will they refuse local anesthesia? Because, unless you go completely off the grid and disconnect from society, it's near impossible to pay into the pharmaceutical companies.
Many parents feel that they know what's best for their children. Well, they do. Except when they're fostering the return of debilitating, highly contagious diseases. Sometimes the government needs to step in and make laws, because you're making freaking stupid decisions for yourself and your kids!
The experts say a new outbreak is what's needed for people to once again see the necessity for vaccination. That's scary. Both for the idea of people's shortsightedness, and the people who are getting sick.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: WHAT is wrong with people? Maybe going completely off the grid and disconnecting from society isn't such a bad idea.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Children
Adorable little jerks.
Like many people with no children of their own, I have a lot of opinions about how they should be raised. One of these crazy ideas is that they should behave themselves in public, and not act like crazed, wild animals. Weird, right? Apparently parents in the US think so.
Yesterday, I went to a brewery with my parents. Straight up bar, not a bar/restaurant thing. There was a group there, I'm guessing it was a couple of families. The parents were sitting there chatting away while their kids screamed and ran all over the damn place. I'm not even exaggerating this time. They kept running laps or something, and I was about two seconds away from tripping one of them. They were probably 7 or 8, so they were definitely old enough to know better and not act like complete imbeciles. But, it's not really the kids' fault. Because who taught them how to behave decently in public? Obviously not their parents.
We went out for a nice dinner the last time I was in Paris. (Which, btw, I have become obsessed with again. I think I should probably just live there. Anyone want to fund my move to Paris? And...uh...my life after that? Cause Paris is expensive and I still don't speak French well. That language is hard. Plus, Duolingo keeps teaching me ridiculous phrases like "Did you come to kill us?" Because I'm sure that will be helpful at some point and GOOD-GOD I hope that's never actually a helpful phrase!!! Um. Yeah. I think that's a good place to stop this rant.)
Anyway so we went out to a nice dinner and after we were there for a while a group came in with a little girl. I'd guess she was about 5 or 6, and an absolute angel. She colored or something the whole time, and talked to them a little bit. There was no screaming or running around or general tomfoolery. I remember commenting to Sister and BroInLaw that it would be a completely different scene in the US, and the kid would be running around like a neanderthal.
Why is that? There seems to be a trend in the good ol' U S of A that kids reign supreme. Nobody is allowed to make a noise that might wake the sleeping baby, anywhere and everywhere is a playground, teachers are blamed for a kid's bad grades, and anyone who questions the child-ruler has to deal with the mama grizzly (thanks Sarah Palin).
Again, I don't have kids so it's easy for me to judge, but I really don't think I'd have the selflessness or patience to let a kid run my life. And I wouldn't want them to. A parent's job is to raise the kid; to teach them how to be a halfway decent human being and get them ready for the world. Because they don't have the cognitive ability to make logical and reasonable decisions.
I have a niece who's first instinct is to be afraid of things. If she's not familiar with something, it's scary. Two of those things are nutcrackers and fire. Nutcrackers...silly. Just a kid thing. But her parents' run around and remove all the Christmas nutcrackers instead of being reasonable. Fire...okay, that could be useful. But it goes to things like birthday cakes and fires for warmth. When one of my sisters tried to explain that it was okay in the fireplace, she got yelled at. Obviously there's a whole lot more to that. There's a whole mess of crazy there.
Then you've got the parents who want to give their kids absurd names "to be unique." UGH. I mean, this kid is stuck with a weirdo name that nobody can pronounce for their entire life. They have to deal with peers, try to get a job, face the world with some sort of confidence. But they've already been set up with their stupid effing names. I completely support the judge that wouldn't let a couple name their kid Nutella. Wtf. Don't reproduce anymore. I honestly read an article around Christmas about a girl whose name was Abcde and pronounced ab-suh-dee. It made me angry. It still does.
As you can see, I have a lot of opinions on this, and most of them are negative. Maybe if I get to have kids someday my opinions will change. I kind of hope not. If any of you have offspring and would like to put me in my place, I'm all for it. I'm okay with being wrong.
All that being said, I finally get to meet my youngest nephew this year. He's almost a year old, but the drive is about 8 hours and I hadn't been able to make it with my dumb legs.
Don't get me wrong, I really do love kids. They're needy and drooly and poopy and screamy and fantastic.
Like many people with no children of their own, I have a lot of opinions about how they should be raised. One of these crazy ideas is that they should behave themselves in public, and not act like crazed, wild animals. Weird, right? Apparently parents in the US think so.
Yesterday, I went to a brewery with my parents. Straight up bar, not a bar/restaurant thing. There was a group there, I'm guessing it was a couple of families. The parents were sitting there chatting away while their kids screamed and ran all over the damn place. I'm not even exaggerating this time. They kept running laps or something, and I was about two seconds away from tripping one of them. They were probably 7 or 8, so they were definitely old enough to know better and not act like complete imbeciles. But, it's not really the kids' fault. Because who taught them how to behave decently in public? Obviously not their parents.
We went out for a nice dinner the last time I was in Paris. (Which, btw, I have become obsessed with again. I think I should probably just live there. Anyone want to fund my move to Paris? And...uh...my life after that? Cause Paris is expensive and I still don't speak French well. That language is hard. Plus, Duolingo keeps teaching me ridiculous phrases like "Did you come to kill us?" Because I'm sure that will be helpful at some point and GOOD-GOD I hope that's never actually a helpful phrase!!! Um. Yeah. I think that's a good place to stop this rant.)
Anyway so we went out to a nice dinner and after we were there for a while a group came in with a little girl. I'd guess she was about 5 or 6, and an absolute angel. She colored or something the whole time, and talked to them a little bit. There was no screaming or running around or general tomfoolery. I remember commenting to Sister and BroInLaw that it would be a completely different scene in the US, and the kid would be running around like a neanderthal.
Why is that? There seems to be a trend in the good ol' U S of A that kids reign supreme. Nobody is allowed to make a noise that might wake the sleeping baby, anywhere and everywhere is a playground, teachers are blamed for a kid's bad grades, and anyone who questions the child-ruler has to deal with the mama grizzly (thanks Sarah Palin).
Again, I don't have kids so it's easy for me to judge, but I really don't think I'd have the selflessness or patience to let a kid run my life. And I wouldn't want them to. A parent's job is to raise the kid; to teach them how to be a halfway decent human being and get them ready for the world. Because they don't have the cognitive ability to make logical and reasonable decisions.
I have a niece who's first instinct is to be afraid of things. If she's not familiar with something, it's scary. Two of those things are nutcrackers and fire. Nutcrackers...silly. Just a kid thing. But her parents' run around and remove all the Christmas nutcrackers instead of being reasonable. Fire...okay, that could be useful. But it goes to things like birthday cakes and fires for warmth. When one of my sisters tried to explain that it was okay in the fireplace, she got yelled at. Obviously there's a whole lot more to that. There's a whole mess of crazy there.
Then you've got the parents who want to give their kids absurd names "to be unique." UGH. I mean, this kid is stuck with a weirdo name that nobody can pronounce for their entire life. They have to deal with peers, try to get a job, face the world with some sort of confidence. But they've already been set up with their stupid effing names. I completely support the judge that wouldn't let a couple name their kid Nutella. Wtf. Don't reproduce anymore. I honestly read an article around Christmas about a girl whose name was Abcde and pronounced ab-suh-dee. It made me angry. It still does.
As you can see, I have a lot of opinions on this, and most of them are negative. Maybe if I get to have kids someday my opinions will change. I kind of hope not. If any of you have offspring and would like to put me in my place, I'm all for it. I'm okay with being wrong.
All that being said, I finally get to meet my youngest nephew this year. He's almost a year old, but the drive is about 8 hours and I hadn't been able to make it with my dumb legs.
Don't get me wrong, I really do love kids. They're needy and drooly and poopy and screamy and fantastic.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Love and Asphyxiation
Affectionately choking the life out of you.
The other day one of my coworkers said she felt sad for me because of my last Meredith post, so that needs updating. The bridal shower and bachelorette party were actually really nice--it was a lot of women who were very inclusive and talkative, there were no odd-man-out situations. And, thankfully, there was nary a penis shaped...well anything at the bachelorette party. Is that just a thing in the US? I hate it. It's tacky.
Anyway, Meredith brought one of her work friends down, and we really enjoyed chatting. At one point, she started talking about a friend Meredith had that was supposed to be in the wedding but hadn't been supportive at all. I listened to her for a minute wondering if I should just keep my mouth shut, but finally said that she was talking about me. We were both embarrassed for a few minutes, but got over it and everyone continued and had a great time. I also did my best to be helpful and supportive.
On Monday I sent Meredith an email thanking her again for such a great time. I let her know what happened with the conversation, and apologized for not being more encouraging. I also let her know we'd talked about her wedding for years, and that things weren't turning out that way at all. I told her I don't want to get to her wedding day and have her feel like it wasn't what she wanted.
It didn't take too long for her to reply, and she was appreciative that I reached out and apologized. Then the elephant in the closet finally came into the room. She agreed that we'd talked about this for years and acknowledged that it probably hurt my feelings when she didn't ask me to stand up for her. I was glad she brought it up, since that's not really something I could have said. She said it was because of Dwight she hadn't asked.
When Soldier and I broke up, I had a really hard time with it (as I have with every breakup.) So when I needed a friend, Meredith told me to figure it out and get over it. She was probably sick of me being upset, but I was hurting and I needed her. I needed to deal with my own shit, so I stopped talking to her. I will readily admit that I let it go far too long without talking to her and letting her know why I was upset. She was understandably sad, confused, and hurt...then we made up and it was fine.
And that's it. Dwight was worried that something would happen and Meredith would get hurt. I'm still not sure how her being kind of a shitty friend turned into my fault, but there it is. She was put in a difficult position and, since she'll be sharing her life with him, I can't fault her for the decision she made. I'm also really glad that I know now, and I can be the Phantom of the Wedding that she's looking for. I will also be asking for an official title change to Phantom of the Wedding.
SWITCH.
Tee has started to get a bit clingy. It's driving me a bit bat-shit-insane. I realize that this is ridiculous, as he's the nicest, most considerate guy I've ever dated. But seriously. This coming weekend, I've decided I need a weekend to myself to be lazy and veg and...well...whatever I want!
Le sigh. I feel so dysfunctional; I don't know what the deal is and why I can't just appreciate affection. I'm probably going to die alone. And with allergies I'm going to have to get those creepy hairless cats. I'm gonna take crazy cat lady to a whooole new level!
The other day one of my coworkers said she felt sad for me because of my last Meredith post, so that needs updating. The bridal shower and bachelorette party were actually really nice--it was a lot of women who were very inclusive and talkative, there were no odd-man-out situations. And, thankfully, there was nary a penis shaped...well anything at the bachelorette party. Is that just a thing in the US? I hate it. It's tacky.
Anyway, Meredith brought one of her work friends down, and we really enjoyed chatting. At one point, she started talking about a friend Meredith had that was supposed to be in the wedding but hadn't been supportive at all. I listened to her for a minute wondering if I should just keep my mouth shut, but finally said that she was talking about me. We were both embarrassed for a few minutes, but got over it and everyone continued and had a great time. I also did my best to be helpful and supportive.
On Monday I sent Meredith an email thanking her again for such a great time. I let her know what happened with the conversation, and apologized for not being more encouraging. I also let her know we'd talked about her wedding for years, and that things weren't turning out that way at all. I told her I don't want to get to her wedding day and have her feel like it wasn't what she wanted.
It didn't take too long for her to reply, and she was appreciative that I reached out and apologized. Then the elephant in the closet finally came into the room. She agreed that we'd talked about this for years and acknowledged that it probably hurt my feelings when she didn't ask me to stand up for her. I was glad she brought it up, since that's not really something I could have said. She said it was because of Dwight she hadn't asked.
When Soldier and I broke up, I had a really hard time with it (as I have with every breakup.) So when I needed a friend, Meredith told me to figure it out and get over it. She was probably sick of me being upset, but I was hurting and I needed her. I needed to deal with my own shit, so I stopped talking to her. I will readily admit that I let it go far too long without talking to her and letting her know why I was upset. She was understandably sad, confused, and hurt...then we made up and it was fine.
And that's it. Dwight was worried that something would happen and Meredith would get hurt. I'm still not sure how her being kind of a shitty friend turned into my fault, but there it is. She was put in a difficult position and, since she'll be sharing her life with him, I can't fault her for the decision she made. I'm also really glad that I know now, and I can be the Phantom of the Wedding that she's looking for. I will also be asking for an official title change to Phantom of the Wedding.
SWITCH.
Tee has started to get a bit clingy. It's driving me a bit bat-shit-insane. I realize that this is ridiculous, as he's the nicest, most considerate guy I've ever dated. But seriously. This coming weekend, I've decided I need a weekend to myself to be lazy and veg and...well...whatever I want!
Le sigh. I feel so dysfunctional; I don't know what the deal is and why I can't just appreciate affection. I'm probably going to die alone. And with allergies I'm going to have to get those creepy hairless cats. I'm gonna take crazy cat lady to a whooole new level!
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Resolutions
I resolve to be more resolute.
I don't really believe in resolutions, I think I've mentioned that. I've never made good ones, and I've never kept them. But last year I decided to make myself a couple of promises: to travel, and to learn. I kept them both, and I've gotten pretty obsessed with finding new things to learn. I want to know so much stuff.
This year, I want to stick with that idea, but it's getting cheesier. Are you ready? You've been warned. My promise to me this year (my promolution?) is to live. I mean, to really live.
I want to appreciate every day, even the really shitty ones. Basically, I want to make this chick proud of me:
Spoiler alert: that chick is me. Whaaaa?!
Of course there's partly a reason for this. I mean I've been trying to live more since the whole thing where my body decided to have a mind of its own, and that mind wanted to mutiny. Psh, screw that. I whipped it right back into shape! You know...after lots of tests, and meds, and surgery...but it learned who was boss! And then it didn't, and then it did, and then it didn't, and then it did...well you know.
I had my latest appointment on Christmas Eve. Why did I think that was a good idea? Knowing I would have to stand for a long time singing at Mass that night? And that it would take all of my energy? Lord only knows. Ok, it was mostly because that was the first option to get back in to see them. I saw the PA again, which was good and bad...he's not as personable as the rhuematologist, but he knows his stuff too.
Well, the first comment was that the meds obviously aren't working. It's basically been every day waking up and wondering to what degree my knees will swell, and how sick I'll feel. So it really wasn't a surprise that the meds aren't working. We also talked about how the Prednisone (a steroid) only kind of worked. He said there's only about 5% of the population that doesn't respond to it. Go figure.
The part I wasn't ready for was when he told me what the next treatment option would be: chemo. The biggest concern medically is my age; if I were to get pregnant, there would be birth defects. And if I wanted to get pregnant, there would be a 90 day period I'd have to be off treatment before it would be safe to try. Then it would be at least a year off treatment. Granted, a baby isn't exactly in my plans right now, but it's something I would like. Now I have to wonder if it's a possibility.
We decided the best mode of treatment at the time was to drain my knee again (fucking OW) and shoot some more Cortisone into it. For some reason those steroids work. It's been doing okay so far. Which is also good and bad. It's nice to have (almost) full use of my legs again, but I've kind of resigned myself to chemo and that part of me just wants to get it started.
So, there you have it. The changes I made all those months ago have stuck. Thanks for coming along on the journey, give yourself a hug from me.
Monday, January 5, 2015
The Phantom of the Wedding Part Deux
"I remain...your obedient servant."
Meredith's wedding shower and bachelorette party are this coming weekend. I'm already bracing myself. Actually, I think I've been bracing myself since the invitations came. Even more so because our relationship has changed in the last few months. I haven't seen her since Tee and I went wine tasting with her and Dwight, and even when we talk, it's because I initiate the conversation. The conversations seem to go fine, and she even mentioned during the last one getting together to craft some things for the wedding, but I haven't heard from her since.
I'm not dumb though; it's entirely possible that I said or did something that upset her. My "role" in the wedding still stings. I keep trying to remind myself that it's her wedding and I have no right to expect or be upset about my involvement, but hurt and jealousy are hard feelings to rein in. Although, that's still no excuse for being a big jerk.
I've decided that weddings are terrible things. Too many times they ruin relationships, leave people in debt, and turn nice, rational girls into obsessive bridezillas. And with all that, half of them still end in divorce. And what do they end up with? Beautiful pictures, full of people in expensive dresses, painted and coiffed to the bride's liking, who've been manipulated the whole time.
Of course that's a gross generalization, and it definitely doesn't happen every time; I'm not at all trying to call Meredith a bridezilla. But it happens a lot. And it's sad to me.
I'm irritated that I'm irritated about it. And I don't know whether I should go and put on a brave face or just say screw it to the whole thing, she obviously doesn't give a shit. She's got her new best friends who are clearly much better than me.
Ugh. I know, I sound bitter. I guess I am a little bit. I'm afraid I'm going to end up the bitter old hag who hates everyone and everything, and can't keep any friends around. Okay, wallowing in self-pity now.
I always second-guess myself, and I always wonder if I'm making too much of things, if I'm being ridiculous or bitchy...but I really, really don't know what to make of this situation. I'm also a bit terrified to go to this thing where I won't know anyone, and I know I'll just kind of feel like a pariah. Meredith knows everyone, and even when we used to hang out just the two of us, I always felt like an idiot with her random friends and acquaintances that always showed up. So the thought of an entire day of that makes me want to huddle up in a corner and sob.
But it's not about me, right? I'll just go back to being the Phantom of the Wedding.
Meredith's wedding shower and bachelorette party are this coming weekend. I'm already bracing myself. Actually, I think I've been bracing myself since the invitations came. Even more so because our relationship has changed in the last few months. I haven't seen her since Tee and I went wine tasting with her and Dwight, and even when we talk, it's because I initiate the conversation. The conversations seem to go fine, and she even mentioned during the last one getting together to craft some things for the wedding, but I haven't heard from her since.
I'm not dumb though; it's entirely possible that I said or did something that upset her. My "role" in the wedding still stings. I keep trying to remind myself that it's her wedding and I have no right to expect or be upset about my involvement, but hurt and jealousy are hard feelings to rein in. Although, that's still no excuse for being a big jerk.
I've decided that weddings are terrible things. Too many times they ruin relationships, leave people in debt, and turn nice, rational girls into obsessive bridezillas. And with all that, half of them still end in divorce. And what do they end up with? Beautiful pictures, full of people in expensive dresses, painted and coiffed to the bride's liking, who've been manipulated the whole time.
Of course that's a gross generalization, and it definitely doesn't happen every time; I'm not at all trying to call Meredith a bridezilla. But it happens a lot. And it's sad to me.
I'm irritated that I'm irritated about it. And I don't know whether I should go and put on a brave face or just say screw it to the whole thing, she obviously doesn't give a shit. She's got her new best friends who are clearly much better than me.
Ugh. I know, I sound bitter. I guess I am a little bit. I'm afraid I'm going to end up the bitter old hag who hates everyone and everything, and can't keep any friends around. Okay, wallowing in self-pity now.
I always second-guess myself, and I always wonder if I'm making too much of things, if I'm being ridiculous or bitchy...but I really, really don't know what to make of this situation. I'm also a bit terrified to go to this thing where I won't know anyone, and I know I'll just kind of feel like a pariah. Meredith knows everyone, and even when we used to hang out just the two of us, I always felt like an idiot with her random friends and acquaintances that always showed up. So the thought of an entire day of that makes me want to huddle up in a corner and sob.
But it's not about me, right? I'll just go back to being the Phantom of the Wedding.
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