The Tangled Web

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I've never liked or been great at dating, but I used to be better at it. Okay, I'll start with the conceited part: I'm not unattractive. There have been many people that have told me I should be in magazines, I get compliments on my looks, personality, singing, creativity, whatever, on almost a daily basis, and I've learned how to play to my strengths. 
There was a time when I juggled three or four guys at once. When talking to friends, I had to refer to them by location or nickname. It was a little fun, but also very stressful. It's gotten to where that's not fun at all. 

Not long after I started dating Soldier, I went to a game night at a friend's house...that happened to have some mutual "friends" there. Lindberg and Dylan (a guy I'd hung out with for a while). There had been dates with both, and I'd kind of ended it with both. While at game night, they each thought something was going on with the other one. But, of course, it wasn't...I was completely focused on Soldier. Isn't that ridiculous? I had (at least) two guys sitting right in front of me, wanting me, caring for me...and I was stuck on the one who was a digital representation of a real person. Sadly, I'm still (again?) stuck on that one. He was a real person for a while, but it doesn't mean much now. 
As you've probably gathered by now, a lot of various thoughts go through my head. Since he's back, I wish he'd come to his senses. I wish he'd see the value in us; I'm not one to trifle with a waste of time. What's sad is that I know how stubborn and bull-headed he is. I know that, even if he did get his head out of his ass, he wouldn't admit it. What is it that makes some people so averse to making a mistake or being wrong? That must be hard. 

Anyway. I had/have plans with both of them this week. I invited Dylan out for Mara's going away (she's heading to Europe to teach), but he declined. The next day he asked if I wanted to see him, or if I thought Mara did; I said it was a little of both (I was thinking platonic). So, I have plans with him in a couple of days. 
I had dinner/drinks with Lindbergh (oops, I've been spelling it wrong) last night. It was fun. I had a good time, and I got to go out for dinner (which I love). Except there was a very attractive waiter at my favorite restaurant who was judging me. (We've had a meaningless flirtation for a few years and that's a story for another time). 
On the other hand, as is painfully obvious, I'm in no shape to try and start something. To be honest, I don't know the last time I had a completely sober day. I fall asleep and wake up thinking of Soldier. I pray constantly that he'll come to his senses. But, on the other hand, I'm doing my best to keep on with my life. I have work and family, and (very few) friends who need me. And they don't care if I'm still struggling. 

WTF. The blog keeps popping up telling me I'm logged in from another location. Where the hell am I logged in from?! There are really two options: work, or Soldier's iPad. I'm relatively certain nobody's at work right now, and I'm also relatively certain that soldier does not give me a single thought. This is irritating me. A LOT. STOP IT, INTERWEBZ. 

Ugh. At any rate (DRINK!) (That needs an explanation: my dad tells a lot of stories and *as most people do* repeats a lot of phrases. One of his repetitions is "at any rate" so we decided to make a drinking game out of it. Simple enough, and now you can join in!) At any rate, I'm doing my best to just get along, to make it through each day. Life has become a sort of tangled web for me...I may be the spider, but the flies have rebelled. They're ganging up on me and it's overwhelming trying to lead a normal life when you're supposed to be in charge of it. 
They say to take things day by day. Sometimes you have to break it up even more: hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. You do what you have to. 

The whole point is to start at Point A, try to untangle the web, and make it to Point B alive and (hopefully) with sanity. I guess that's my understanding of life. Revelation complete...for now, I'll keep working on the web. The days and hours and minutes and seconds keep going...I'll just keep working on the web. 

Life Stages

The ups and downs of a twenty-something

I just had a spectacularly bittersweet experience: going away drinks with Bffffffff. It's always nice to hang out with him, but, shit. 
He's moving across the country in a few days. I know he has to for his family, but it's still sad. Well, really, it's a selfish sort of sad...I'm sad that he's moving away. My group of friends is vastly dwindling, and everyone's moving on. 

There's a really weird thing about being single in your late twenties. God, when did I get to my late twenties?! In the past week and a half (I think it's a week, but I'll say week and a half to be safe), there were 4 engagements on the Facebook. What is this? Engagements and weddings and babies. Tomorrow I have another going away party; Mara's moving to Europe to teach. Two friends down. I know, I'm onto "woe is me." I'm happy for them, really and truly. 
I just wonder where this came from? When did life happen? How did I get left behind? No, I can't say that. I can say that I'm relatively successful. I have a great job, with an awesome boss, at a fantastic company, and I'm pretty good at it. Problem is, this life isn't what I expected and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I'm not so much the strong, self-sufficient type. 

Recently, I came up with a new solution to all of this: adventure. I think I already mentioned my upcoming {exciting superfun} weekends. If not, here they are: tomorrow (I should be asleep already) I'm doing a Mud Run with a friend of mine. Neither one of us are big into competitive racing, so it might be more of a Mud Walk. I'm good with this. Lunch and some possible afternoon activity, then back for Mara's shindig. 
Next weekend starts with a big employee event on Friday. I've somehow become in charge of a good portion of the setup, prizes, and awards. A little stressful, but I like that my coworkers/superiors trust me with it. Plus, the dress code awards-show-formal, so I'm of course going all out. I have a twenties theme planned. We'll get out early, which is good to prep for the rest of the weekend. Aaand here we go!

8:00 am I'll be skydiving. Jumping out of a plane. JUMPING OUT OF A PLANE. Oh, yeah, I already did describe this part. Oh well, suck it up, you get to hear it again. Okay. We'll have to leave around 6 am (UGH) to make it, but it's near Chicago (i.e. watching the Lake and city from the sky) so it's bound to be worth it. Back on the road to the Windy City with (hopefully) the next stop being the Museum of Science and Industry. Because science, bitches! That evening it's a show at Second City (STOKED for that) and possibly going out, possibly sleeping. That in itself will be a long day. The next will be filled with Shedd Aquarium. VIP tickets include no lines (HA!), the jellyfish exhibit (JELLIES!), and the Stingray Touch. Not the dirty kind of tough, stay out of the gutter. Then an exhausted drive home. I'll need the extra day off from Labor Day. 

Then it's on to the next step. My sister lives in Paris right now, so I'm looking for tickets to visit for New Year's. Which sucks...looking for international flights absolutely sucks. Plus I'm looking at flying into Amsterdam and taking the train as an option as well as flying into Paris. Blerg. But, what better place to ring in the New Year? I mean, yeah, I'm sure there are better places...like not solo ones...but that's gotta be far up the list. 

So, anyway, less shopping and more doing. Who needs real friends? Memories are better...they don't change. 

Oh, here's a fun tidbit from this evening: I tried to act like an adult. I decided to stay in tonight and get some sleep for the race tomorrow. Then I thought I'd go get some eggs to make a good breakfast, and get gas so I didn't have to worry about it in the morning. And promptly locked my keys in the car. The universe obviously doesn't want me to be responsible. 

A little late, but I'm off to bed now. Au revoir! 

Dabbling in Bitchery

How to make friends and influence people.

I'll readily admit I've been on edge the past few days. Like, toes hanging over-looking into the abyss-if butterfly goes past I might fall off, on the edge.
Soldier is officially back...he may have actually driven past me while I was jogging this evening. Anyway I probably don't need to point out that this is difficult for me with all the conflicting feelings. I spent months with him so far away, waiting for him to be close, and then he was gone so quickly. Now he's physically so close, about a mile and a half away, but it makes no difference. And that's really hard. My head says be logical and know that he's not coming back; my heart says that he absolutely has to. It says that there's no other answer; that's just the way it's supposed to be. Anyway, back to the fun.
I've been on edge, but one thing I absolutely cannot stand is stupidity. So, I may admit that I can be a bitch, but I swear I was provoked!

Every Wednesday, a group of coworkers enjoy a Happy Hour after work. We started this a little over a month ago and have gone to the same place so far, but yesterday we chose somewhere different. It was a restaurant that I like; it's a little on the fancier side. Well, myself and one other coworker arrived first. This restaurant has an outside seating area, and I asked the hostess if she only did the outside seating, or if she did inside as well. She said both, and I told her that we'd have 6 people. She then said that they only had high top seating inside, and started at me blankly. Oops, this needs some background. I'm always cold. AL-WAYS. And there's been something wrong with our air conditioning...to the point where everyone else has also been cold, so I've been freezing. Sitting outside meant being on the windy lake on a day that wasn't exactly summer-like. I really didn't want to sit outside, so we went back and forth a bit. I said that I wasn't sure what she meant when she said there were only high tops...so she described was it was. "Well, it's a little higher than a table..." I stopped her, wanting to say that I wasn't a f*cking idiot. I told her (I tried to be calm, but I know I was snippy) that I knew what it was but didn't know what she meant...i.e. was there not enough room or something? Some others had arrived by then so we sat outside for a few minutes, then they agreed to what I knew, that it was cold and unpleasant, and we went inside. It took me a while to stop being annoyed with her insinuation about my intelligence. We did have a really good waitress though, and the drinks were even better, so they made up for the moronic hostess.

Let's fast forward to Facebook. Aaah, the Facebook: where the idiots thrive. Today a friend asked on her status where to find good macaroni and cheese. Wanting to be helpful, I have a valid suggestion. The next comment was along the lines of "I'd say go to Noodly, but they're not here anymore :(" Yes, sad face. Sad face to your worthlessness. Because she asked for legitimate suggestions, not for impossible pipe dreams. I have such an issue with that.

As I previously stated, something's up with the AC at work, and it's on hyper drive. Today I posted as my status that I had on a blanket, a jacket, and a Snuggie, so there was clearly something wrong. An acquaintance, Asshole Incarnate, commented that I should go outside. He's unemployed, with no thought or desire to look for or acquire employment, so I commented, "I have this weird thing called a job..." So he told me I should open a window. Yeah, because large office buildings have windows that you can open. I replied with something similar to that. His next suggestion was that I didn't have enough clothes on (maybe I'm a hooker?) or that I needed to eat, because he gets cold when he needs to eat. I was getting increasingly irritated. I have a feeling in general that, when his existence is brought to my attention, I want to hurt myself or others. So the insistence was grating. I could only come up with two words "Just stop." Well then he let me know that if I didn't want suggestions then I shouldn't post it on Facebook, and he was only trying to be helpful. You know what's helpful? Paying taxes. Being a contributing member of society. Not giving unsolicited advice or being a pretentious, self-absorbed douchebag. The reasons for his title of Asshole Incarnate are many, and I'll explain them in another post.

For now, my ire is giving way and giving in to exhausted melancholy. This is a common nightly thing. If you're the praying type, say some prayers for the Soldier-ity to return.

High Tide, Low Tolerance

Life lessons and life questions.

One of the best things about the area I live in is all the water. Within a half hour drive from my house, there are at least 10 beaches. This means that every summer is filled with swimming, tanning, boating, kayaking, and tubing. This last option is where our adventures take us this time.

I'd like to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a small sad truth. It's haha sad, not boohoo sad. So I went for a jog after work...uh, nope, that's a lie; I went for a pathetic attempt at a jog after work. Well, I may have accidentally forgotten to eat before I went, so my body was really unhappy with me. This resulted in me being sweaty and gross. So, now I'm just sitting here, in my gross and filth. And I don't have a problem with it, cuz I don't care if I smell bad. And it feels like freedom. Sweet, unclean freedom. Aaaand back to the show!

I think I've already mentioned that Soldier's friends and family all think I'm kind of cool, and stayed friends with me after the fallout. A few weekends ago I was hanging out with Harry and Ginny (that's right, Harry Potter. And I won't apologize!) when they invited me to go tubing. I readily accepted, and this past weekend we set off. It was a fun time; Ginny and I were the only girls so we did our own thing and the boys did theirs. When we got back to their house, I was the only one that stuck around. Harry was pretty sloshed, but that's normal after hanging out on the river all day. We set him up on the couch, made some food, and settled in front of the telly. Harry woke up after a few hours, worse than when we got home. Though wrapped in two fleece blankets, he was shivering uncontrollably. He was discombobulated and slightly incoherent, and said his chest hurt. I got very concerned and went into crisis mode, and we took him to the hospital. I offered to drive so it would be a little less strain on the two of them...although, in reality, I was probably the most worried.

Not long after we got there, Harry and Ginny went back to the Emergency Department, and I sat in the Waiting Room. And sat. And sat. Four hours is a long time to basically just sit. When we got back to the house, Ginny offered to let me stay in the guest room, and they both thanked me. But, all of that got me thinking a lot. There's a really good line in the song "No Good Deeds" from the musical Wicked: "One question haunts and hurts; too much, too much to mention: was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention?" Sadly, I haven't actually seen the show...but I love the soundtrack.
Anyway, it's a good point. I really like Harry and Ginny, and I'm so glad they've wanted to stay friends. On the other hand, you all know how much I miss Soldier. In all honesty, it's a little difficult to hang out with them because I know he'll come up in conversation. But, I have to wonder: am I actually a good person and friend, or am I the ex that can't let go? I don't have the answer right now.

There was another interesting quandary the other day. Well, maybe not really a quandary. As you know, Soldier is on some cross country, soul searching trip. Well, the other day he posted a picture about their camping spot...but it was mostly a picture of his car with the trunk popped, with a blanket draped over the side of the trunk. This, to me (maybe only to me?) was the focal point of the picture. The interesting part is that I made him that blanket as a coming home present. Nice. I'm not good enough to keep you warm at night, but at least my gift is. I'd really like to read more into it...it made him think of me, it was a part of me on the trip, whatever...but I'm sure it's nothing. He's also on his way back and should be in town by tomorrow morning. I'm not sure how I feel about it. "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

Alright, I'll end this one on a good note. Rather recently, my company had a change in structure. Not really a takeover, not really a merger, but it resulted in us all having to reapply for our jobs. I was fortunate enough to have gotten a position that started earlier than others. Trust me, this was tricky enough for me. I was so thankful and relieved, but also felt guilty when I saw my coworkers coming in for interviews. Well, a while ago, one of my coworkers had an interview and I chatted with her for a while. She was (understandably) nervous, and I tried to quell it...I told her that she knew what she was doing, and she just needed to convey that to the interviewers. I also let her know that I'd been terrified of my interview and had seriously thought I bombed it. Well, that was a few months ago, and I haven't really thought about it since. Today she told me that she'd been meaning to tell me how much that helped and put her at ease. It's a little thing, but it meant a lot to me that I helped. So, if nothing else, I've got that...maybe not all good deeds are punished. 

The Bucket List

It's time to LIVE. 

Okay, I know that having a bucket list isn't anything monumental. Probably everyone jumped on the bandwagon after the movie. (If you haven't seen it, you need to. It's actually a very touching film.) Being me, I actually wrote out a Bucket List, made it pretty, framed it, and put it on my wall. All of that was in hopes that I'd actually do these things. Also being me, that didn't work. That ends now

Could you hear the dramatic music?! It was there...at least in my head.It should have been in your head as well. I'm judging you if it wasn't. 

Most of the things I have on my bucket list are designed to push my limits. I've spent a lot of time getting to know myself and all of that (don't be a perv) and I know my comfort zone. Apparently "life begins at the end of your comfort zone," so...fuck it. Begin. 
I'll be going to Chicago for Labor Day weekend. On the way, I'll be making a stop in Michigan City to go skydiving. To some people that sounds fine. To me, that's outside of my comfort zone. I'm gonna jump out of a freaking plane! I used to have a healthy fear of heights, then I kind of got over it, now I'm crossing this one off the bucket list. Besides...I'll be floating through the sky over Lake Michigan and the Windy City. That's guaranteed to be speechlessly gorgeous. After this possibly life changing (for good or bad) experience, it's on to Chi. Catching a show at Second City, enjoying the aquatics at Shedd Aquarium, and some learning at the Museum of Science and Industry if we can fit it in. (That's what she said.) I will be completely exhausted and likely bitchy after all the entertainment and social interaction, but I'm willing to deal. 

I'm going on this adventure with Wolverine. He's technically an ex boyfriend...but we went to high school together and were friends long before dating meddled things. It's a little bit tricky, but could be way worse. Joining us will be his cousin. It'll be a miracle if we don't all kill each other before the weekend's over...but if we all make it out unscathed, it should be an awesome time!

The weekend before the Chicago adventure, I'm doing a Mud Run. Ugh. I'm so not ready; completely dreading the thing. I actually am hoping I'll get an injury. The stupid thing is that I knew when I signed up that I wouldn't want to do it. But, when I signed up, I didn't know I'd be so emotionally scarred and crippled (relax, that'll be the only melodramatic part of this post. I hope.) Then the weekend before that (this weekend) I'm going tubing. The group is technically a part of Soldier's friends, but they invited me so I feel it's fair game. Truthfully, it makes me really sad, because I know I won't get to hang out with them much once he comes back. That asshole really ruined everything. 

So. Why all this push to get out and do stuff? This is not something I'd care to admit, but I love my blogees (is that right? I'm the blogger and you're the blogees? or should it be another g...bloggees...I like that better. You're now my bloggees...bow to me and love me and I shall reward you with entertaining literature! Umm..not sure I can call this literature. Oh well. That just happened.) 
Alright. So if you've seen Twighlight (yeeees, don't judge me), you know the big breakdown. When Edward leaves Bella, she can't handle it. She turns into an emotionless recluse (a role Kristin Stewart can actually play), then starts to put herself in harm's way because she hallucinates about him. Well, it's not quite that crazy, but probably close. I still live my life and do my job and see my friends and fulfill my obligations...and seem to be fine. But, in truth, I have to train myself to take deep breaths throughout the day when it starts to get hard, I drink a lot when I get home, and I cry myself to sleep a lot. (Oops, sorry, more melodrama.) Everything is just a little wrong, and a little off without Soldier. You know, the -ity. So, I've resorted to trying to be bold and crazy and do things I wouldn't normally do. It's kind of like trying to use tissues to stop the bleeding from a shotgun wound...but I've gotta try something. 
Feel free, and encouraged, to concentrate your prayers and thoughts to Soldier coming back to me. (Is that a little whore-ish?) I know that's pithy and silly, but the void is getting bigger and bigger and I don't know what else to do for it. 

Welp, all of my adventures might turn out disastrously. It doesn't matter; at least I'll have had some adventures. And that's what life's all about, right? You've gotta make the most of it while you have it. So onward, upward, and..well really...downward. Cuz I'm jumping out of a freaking plane, bitches!

Muscle Milk

The Adventures of the Wilderness

I'm currently laying in a hotel bed. I'm in a kind of middle of nowhere town for a three day training, tomorrow being the last day. (Alright, I was super tired so didn't get to finish this yesterday. That might make this more entertaining though--I'm overly tired, a teensy bit buzzed, and all stuffy from a cold. Who gets a cold in the beginning of August?! DUMB.)

I was looking forward to this time away. I planned on doing a lot of hiking/jogging, seeing some elk and other woodland creatures, and just getting lost in the forest to find some simplicity, clarity, sanity, or...you know...some other kind of -ity that will help. I did do some of that...the elk were far away though, so I didn't get to make an elk friend and triumphantly ride that elky glory into work on Monday. WHAT?! They thought I was lame for wanting to see elk, so what other conclusion could I possibly come to!? Anyway I saw some elk, I heard the existence of other woodland creatures, I got terrifyingly lost in the woods, but I didn't find my -ity.  It's becoming more and more clear that what I really need is Soldier-ity. Not that I didn't know that before, but I'm getting to the point of making a deal with the devil to get my -ity back.  Sorry, I'll try to make that it for the self pity. 

Okay, I did this useless soul-searching, and I enjoyed myself. I didn't find my soul though. Uh...that's weird. Why is it called soul searching? Now I feel like I'm calling myself soulless. Buuut...I guess if I'm considering making a deal with the devil...
Ahem. Yes, I did these things I'd wanted to, but I didn't stay holed up by myself the whole time. Aaand that brings me back to actually writing the story I began. The other people in the training were really cool, and one of them happened to be bffffff. (I don't remember how many Fs I'm using now) We all have similar jobs, so it made sense for us to get to know each other and hang out a bit. 
Let me just pause and go all "First World Problems" for a minute, and say how effing nice it is to be home. I know the town and don't have to fire up the GPS every time I want to go somewhere, just crawled into bed all commando (thaaat's right, I sleep naked. Judge me, be jealous, whatever...I don't care. It's comfy.), and I don't have to care about my messiness because I'm cleaning up after myself. I also don't sleep well in beds that aren't mine (alone; I slept great when Soldier was there. The -ity) so my bed feels spectacular. Still uber-lonely, but at least familiar.
Alright. So last night we went for dinner, and Bfffff and I went early to do a little drinking (woooaaah, so surpriiised). We sat at the bar, and I immediately noticed these two guys around the corner from us. I didn't notice because they were attractive or looked interesting...I noticed because you could smell the self-loathing from a mile away. As Bfff and I sat there, I noticed one kept staring at me. He looked like he might take some life tips from Jersey Shore and aspire to be on Real World or Big Brother. Soon after Bfff and I got to the bar, the two training instructors showed up and joined us. They also noticed the guy, and started saying he was the MMA Guy, or the Angry Landscaper. Then one of the instructors saw some Muscle Milk under the bar and that became the guy's new name. Anyway, Bfff and I mentioned that we were in town for a training, that we were meeting colleagues for dinner, blah blah blah. Also, Bfff is a guy...so I was sitting at a bar with a guy drinking and doing shots. Most intelligent people would back off. Not Muscle Milk. He kept trying to chat and get my attention, and it was awkward and annoying. 

Eventually the rest of the group showed up, we moved down to a table for dinner, and I thought that was the end of it. Oh no, my friend. For some stupid reason, I sat in a seat that faced the bar. So I saw him continually staring at me. Which totally creeped me out. And the rest of them were just giggling at the situation. Muscle Milk and his cousin (sorry, I neglected to say that the other guy was his silent cousin) eventually decided to go to another bar. He'd mentioned multiple times the bar they were going to, and felt the need to tell me one last time. He stopped at our table, said goodbye, and encouraged us one more time to go to this bar. 

I just hid my head in shame for a minute. I was the youngest (and most painfully single) in this group, and had already had to endure one of my colleagues "subtly" trying to signal Bfff to go after me. More than that, what kind of f*ck-tard interrupts a dinner of professionals to give one more invitation to a hotel bar? (oh, that's right, the bar was in a Quality Inn or some other cookie cutter hotel). The interest on my part obviously didn't exist, or I would have given more encouragement when I had the chance. Needless to say, I stayed as far away from the QI as possible, and went "home" voluntarily alone. 

Okay, okay. I'm starting to get a pressure headache. I'm also so exhausted that my mouth is just hanging open. I'm sure it's a crazy sight, and I don't even care. I have more fun (I use the term loosely) to report, but it'll have to wait. 

Nighty-night my lovelies!