I've never liked or been great at dating, but I used to be better at it. Okay, I'll start with the conceited part: I'm not unattractive. There have been many people that have told me I should be in magazines, I get compliments on my looks, personality, singing, creativity, whatever, on almost a daily basis, and I've learned how to play to my strengths.
There was a time when I juggled three or four guys at once. When talking to friends, I had to refer to them by location or nickname. It was a little fun, but also very stressful. It's gotten to where that's not fun at all.
Not long after I started dating Soldier, I went to a game night at a friend's house...that happened to have some mutual "friends" there. Lindberg and Dylan (a guy I'd hung out with for a while). There had been dates with both, and I'd kind of ended it with both. While at game night, they each thought something was going on with the other one. But, of course, it wasn't...I was completely focused on Soldier. Isn't that ridiculous? I had (at least) two guys sitting right in front of me, wanting me, caring for me...and I was stuck on the one who was a digital representation of a real person. Sadly, I'm still (again?) stuck on that one. He was a real person for a while, but it doesn't mean much now.
As you've probably gathered by now, a lot of various thoughts go through my head. Since he's back, I wish he'd come to his senses. I wish he'd see the value in us; I'm not one to trifle with a waste of time. What's sad is that I know how stubborn and bull-headed he is. I know that, even if he did get his head out of his ass, he wouldn't admit it. What is it that makes some people so averse to making a mistake or being wrong? That must be hard.
Anyway. I had/have plans with both of them this week. I invited Dylan out for Mara's going away (she's heading to Europe to teach), but he declined. The next day he asked if I wanted to see him, or if I thought Mara did; I said it was a little of both (I was thinking platonic). So, I have plans with him in a couple of days.
I had dinner/drinks with Lindbergh (oops, I've been spelling it wrong) last night. It was fun. I had a good time, and I got to go out for dinner (which I love). Except there was a very attractive waiter at my favorite restaurant who was judging me. (We've had a meaningless flirtation for a few years and that's a story for another time).
On the other hand, as is painfully obvious, I'm in no shape to try and start something. To be honest, I don't know the last time I had a completely sober day. I fall asleep and wake up thinking of Soldier. I pray constantly that he'll come to his senses. But, on the other hand, I'm doing my best to keep on with my life. I have work and family, and (very few) friends who need me. And they don't care if I'm still struggling.
WTF. The blog keeps popping up telling me I'm logged in from another location. Where the hell am I logged in from?! There are really two options: work, or Soldier's iPad. I'm relatively certain nobody's at work right now, and I'm also relatively certain that soldier does not give me a single thought. This is irritating me. A LOT. STOP IT, INTERWEBZ.
Ugh. At any rate (DRINK!) (That needs an explanation: my dad tells a lot of stories and *as most people do* repeats a lot of phrases. One of his repetitions is "at any rate" so we decided to make a drinking game out of it. Simple enough, and now you can join in!) At any rate, I'm doing my best to just get along, to make it through each day. Life has become a sort of tangled web for me...I may be the spider, but the flies have rebelled. They're ganging up on me and it's overwhelming trying to lead a normal life when you're supposed to be in charge of it.
They say to take things day by day. Sometimes you have to break it up even more: hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. You do what you have to.
The whole point is to start at Point A, try to untangle the web, and make it to Point B alive and (hopefully) with sanity. I guess that's my understanding of life. Revelation complete...for now, I'll keep working on the web. The days and hours and minutes and seconds keep going...I'll just keep working on the web.
No comments:
Post a Comment